Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to think this is none of her business?

43 replies

MsMarvel · 21/03/2015 10:23

Dsd's mum has been creating a fuss about what dsd does on her weekends here. Most Saturdays, the girls of the family (aunties, gran, great gran, cousins etc) all go on a day out. Dsd will normally (obviously!) Want to go with them but is always given the option to stay with her dad. the day out will normally be a couple of hours somewhere, the rest of the weekend dsd is with us.

Apparently this isn't acceptable to her mum, as dp isn't spending his weekends wth dsd.

He told her this was none of her business what goes on here at the weekends, and that if she wanted to query it she could take it back to the lawyers

AWBU (are we being unreasonable!) To not change what happens at the weekends?

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 21/03/2015 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hedgehogsdontbite · 21/03/2015 10:29

YANBU

It's nice that she gets to spent time with her extended family.

Original poster

MsMarvel · 21/03/2015 10:32

In no danger, its nice trips out for things like going to get ice cream, going to a farm park, museum's etc.

As far as I see it, Dps time with his daughter isn't just time for one on one, it's also time to see his side of the family.

Would his ex be laughed at if she tried to complain to her lawyer about this?

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 21/03/2015 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamselNotInHerDress · 21/03/2015 10:39

Yanbu at all, she is spending time with this side of her family and sounds like she really enjoys it as she chooses to go.
Her mother Is being insane.

DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP · 21/03/2015 10:40

YANBU, to let her go with her relatives for a few hours on a Sunday. It's important that she feels included in wider family activities and that she has a relationship with her extended family.

YABU to say it's none of her mothers business, do you know why she has raised this? Has your DSD said she feels she has to go or that she doesn't get to see her dad?

Instead of going on the defensive find out what has prompted this, your DP needs to talk to his DD and find out how she really feels. What she says to you and your DP might not be what she is saying to her mum.

Kampeki · 21/03/2015 10:44

If dsd is choosing to go out with her other family members, I can't see an issue! How old is she?

momb · 21/03/2015 10:48

Just to clarify: are these girls days out with your DPs female relatives or yours?
If it's you, your Mum, sisters etc then I can see why she might feel that he is passing the responsibilities on rather than parenting himself. That said, I still think it's none of her business as long as your SDD is having a nice time.

AuntieDee · 21/03/2015 10:48

Could she see it that he is shirking his repsponsibilities and palming her off on his parents? It might not be the case but you would be surprised the number of men that do do this...

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 21/03/2015 11:04

YANBU.
We'd prefer it if my DSS's were glued to our sides on our weekends but also have to appreciate that DH's extended family, and mine, want to see them too. Most of the time we manage it when we're all together but sometimes they want to see their grandparent etc. on their own. It's just a bit of a balancing act.
Your DSD's mum needs to keep her beak out; she already has the luxury of majority time with her, it's you and your DH that have to maximise the time that everyone gets with her on your contact weekends.

Original poster

MsMarvel · 21/03/2015 11:08

It's dps family she is spending time with. She's 7 and has cousins here of similar age that she wants to play with.

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 21/03/2015 11:08

If dsd is choosing these activities then there is no issue and her Dm needs to keep her beak out!! my dsc's regularly beg ask to have sleepovers at fil's house, in fact they are there now and dp is fixing my car. it gives them time to be spoilt rotten by fil and gives him time with the kids which they all love.

does she not allow her family to spend time with dsd?

and yes she will get laughed at by a lawyer albeit metaphorically

Holepunch · 21/03/2015 11:09

I think it's a nice thing to do now and again but looking from the outside in, I can see a girl who has little contact with her father anyway (alternate weekends?) possibly doesn't have many male role models and then spends the weekends when she "should" be with her father in an all female group.

TBH the "tradition" of weekly all female trips is what would bother me, for reasons I'm finding hard to articulate. Absolutely yes, now an again but every weekend? What are the men/boys in the family doing while these trips go on?

She's choosing to go with the group, but does her father make any effort to do similarly fun things if she stays with him? Why doesn't he go on trips for ice-cream, to the farm or museums?

HolgerDanske · 21/03/2015 11:14

It sounds lovely to me. Extended family is hugely important. And being out of the house playing with cousins and spending time with people who she likes and loves is very good for her. If she's choosing to go on these outings then I think she should be allowed to go. Special time with dad can be done later in the evening with telly, talking, sharing an activity or two and stories before bed. In other words proper quality time.

VelvetRuby · 21/03/2015 11:15

Yanbu. As long as your dsd is safe, happy and spending time with people she likes/loves I really can't see how she can complain or indeed has any right to.

MirandaWest · 21/03/2015 11:18

Yanbu. When my DC are with their dad it's up to him what they do - only exception would be if say one of the DCs had an activity that he'd agreed he'd take them to and then didn't but apart from that it's not up to me. It's not up to him what they do when they're with me and vice versa.

RocketInMyPocket · 21/03/2015 11:18

I agree with you, It's sounds lovely.

Yes, it's about seeing her Dad, but also her paternal family.

The mum sounds like she just wants something to moan about.
I presume that when she's at Mums she's allowed to spend time with her maternal family?
Ridiculous

VelvetRuby · 21/03/2015 11:20

Crikey, if my parents ever split up the thought of spending an entire weekend with just my dad would be boring to say the least! I adore my dad but he is very quiet and self contained and he would not miss rugby on telly for anything! I'm sure the dad in this case is nothing like that but to say she ought to spend the whole weekend exclusively with him is a bit silly IMHO.

HolgerDanske · 21/03/2015 11:20

Oh and I just re-read the OP and saw this is a matter of a couple of hours!! Let's extend that for argument's sake, so three and a bit hours out of a weekend. Not unreasonable at all!

TheoriginalLEM · 21/03/2015 11:23

I would find it really difficult to let my DD go off and spend time with family that I was no longer part of. I would however let her do it if that is what she wanted to do. In your shoes i would, or if you don't talk to her mum, get your DP to talk to her about what the problem might be, if the problem is hers then carry on as normal, but could it be that actually your DSD is unhappy about it but only feels she can talk to her mum about it?

Discounted · 21/03/2015 11:31

Let's (for argument's sake) assume the mum isn't just being difficult and that she's raised the issue out of genuine concern.

I think if DSD genuinely prefers to spend time with these other people and it's only a short period of time then that's fine. However, what's the choice? If dad is going to 9e.g.0 be sat in front of the rugby if she stays home with him, then she hasn't really chosen to go with the other group, rather to go with the group who will make some effort to do something nice with her. What would they be doing if she stayed with dad?

I am a little bit troubled by the idea that every weekend the women and children go off to do one thing while the men do something else....

Original poster

MsMarvel · 21/03/2015 11:48

It's not that the men go and do something else, its just that there are very few men in the family. Dp and his dad are the only males in the family group.

He does do the same fun things with her, but she would obviously prefer to be with her cousins that she can play with.

And it isn't palming off, because every Friday night we have his niece to stay with us (as requested by both girls!) So that we are getting some quality time with dsd and our niece.

Contact is every weekend.

OP posts:

Discounted · 21/03/2015 11:55

Ok, but I'm not sure I'd be happy to have My DDs learn that the men get the afternoon off, every week, while the women entertain the DC. If it works for you then I guess that's fine and I agree while she's with her Dad it's up to him, but it would cause me some concern about the stereotypes it reinforces. Why doesn't her Dad go on some of these trips? Do you go?

TendonQueen · 21/03/2015 11:57

It sounds like these are nice outings for her, but I still don't get why her dad wouldn't go too? That way he gets the pleasure of seeing her play with her cousins and so on. Especially since he doesn't see her in the week.

MaryWestmacott · 21/03/2015 11:58

well, from the other side, it seems quite sad there are family trips out where two of the larger family (the 2 men) aren't welcome. I would be surprised at DP not going along on family outings, but leaving it to his Mum and sister. Why isn't he welcome?

But no, not OK that she says what her DD does when with other parent. Does DSD not spend time with her mother's family?

Flip

1 2