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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is none of her business?

43 replies

MsMarvel · 21/03/2015 10:23

Dsd's mum has been creating a fuss about what dsd does on her weekends here. Most Saturdays, the girls of the family (aunties, gran, great gran, cousins etc) all go on a day out. Dsd will normally (obviously!) Want to go with them but is always given the option to stay with her dad. the day out will normally be a couple of hours somewhere, the rest of the weekend dsd is with us.

Apparently this isn't acceptable to her mum, as dp isn't spending his weekends wth dsd.

He told her this was none of her business what goes on here at the weekends, and that if she wanted to query it she could take it back to the lawyers

AWBU (are we being unreasonable!) To not change what happens at the weekends?

OP posts:

VelvetRuby · 21/03/2015 12:02

Unless it isn't a couple of hours and is actually more like all day. Then I can sort of see why she might find it a bit of a cop out on your DH's part.

HolgerDanske · 21/03/2015 12:12

Oh yes the men vs women issue is another thing altogether and I don't like the idea of that. I wouldn't want my daughter to grow up thinking that's how families and parenting works so, yes, if anything I'd be challenging that part of the scenario.

Original poster

MsMarvel · 21/03/2015 12:15

But if it's something that's always happened and is just another families style, is it her place to question this and try to put a stop to it? It's something that happens and is going to continue to happen whether she 'allows' dsd to go or not. All that she would be able to do is force dsd to stay at home while they go out anyway.

OP posts:

pictish · 21/03/2015 12:16

velvet even if it was, it would still be none of her business.

OP yanbu...she certainly isn't entitled to dictate what you guys do with your dsd. It's nothing to do with her. She shouldn't even be passing comment, let alone expecting any of you to alter your plans. What a self important mare!

MarvellousMarbles · 21/03/2015 12:21

Would your DH like to go along? I think it's rather unpleasant if he would like to but isn't allowed because of being a man. I would feel very shut out if I was one of only 2 women in a family and wasn't allowed on the weekly 'men only' family outing to fun non-gender-specific places like farm parks and ice cream shops!

VelvetRuby · 21/03/2015 12:22

Yes, I agree Pictish. She has no right to challenge it. I was just sort of thinking of why someone might find it a bit off. Ignore my previous post!

Discounted · 21/03/2015 12:26

"All that she would be able to do is force dsd to stay at home while they go out anyway."

I don't think she can force anything but can't DP see that this isn't a healthy view of the world for his DD? Does he want his DD to learn that her place is with the DC while the men get some time to themselves? He could change it simply by going along. Why doesn't he?

cleanmyhouse · 21/03/2015 12:26

I used to get a little bit pissed off when my 2 spent some of their dads time with granny/auntie because dad used to be pretty shit with having them regularly, then i got over it. extended family is really important and as long as the kids are having a good time, thats all that matters. And now that their time with dad is regular and consistant, it really doesn't matter.

That was a long way of saying that it might be her business, and there might be reasons behind it, but that yanbu.

pictish · 21/03/2015 12:33

Discounted I think the dad going along/not going along issue is separate to the OP tbh. OP and her dh are satisfied with how that churns along in itself. They are happy, dsd is happy and dsd's extended paternal family are happy. The issue is whether dsd's mum has any business piping up either way...and the answer to that is no.
I don't think you need to comment on the arrangement itself really. The OP didn't ask what we thought of her dh's parenting.

HolgerDanske · 21/03/2015 12:33

Oh sorry hadn't noticed it's more a matter of logistics than anything else, when it comes to how many men and women there are. It seems to work well if everyone so no big deal IMO. And as far as balance goes, it sounds as if you have all bases covered with quality time with her.

A lot of people tend to forget that just because one person has residence doesn't make them the grand lord of parenting. What your DH chooses to do when his daughter is with him is completely his choice. He has a right to parent in whatever way feels right to him as long as it's not neglectful or harmful in some way.

I think she is coming from a good place of wanting the best for her daughter, but I do think she is being unreasonable.

HolgerDanske · 21/03/2015 12:35

And a LOT do people seem to have a very hard time accepting that their in-laws are grandparents too, and, barring any dysfunction, are a great asset to their children's lives and should be valued as such. Your Dsd is a lucky girl to have a big happy family and cousins she can grow up with.

Discounted · 21/03/2015 12:46

No pictish and I've said the mother can't actually do anything but in her position, I would be concerned about what lessons this was teaching her DD and this (rather than just being difficult, or not wanting Dd mixing with extended family) could be the reason she's raised her concerns.

If so, then they are valid IMO and she's not wrong to raise them in the context of parenting jointly.

AuntieDee · 21/03/2015 14:44

Sounds like she has very little quality time actually with her father though - one day with family and the other day she shares him with a cousin. Do they actually have any lone time to bond over the weekend?

TheoriginalLEM · 21/03/2015 14:45

I'm interests to know if this would have happened had they stayed together.

basgetti · 21/03/2015 14:47

Is the issue that contact is every weekend? When does her Mum get quality time with her? I could understand her annoyance if she was deprived of any weekend time with her own DD but then found out she was spending regular time with other relatives.

Phephenson · 21/03/2015 14:55

YANBU. I have the same problem here and yet we don't question what dh's ex does or how much time the kids spend being looked after by stepdad/extended family of her or him. Unless the child is at risk of harm or is unhappy then what's the problem?

The court told my DH's ex that it wasn't her business to divi up our contact time or have a say over what we did or who we or the children spent time with unless she had a specific concern, which she didn't so now she just has to suck it up.

Step parents get a bad press, if you welcome the kids with open arms and try to make them feel at home then you are too involved but if you barely acknowledge them and make them sleep in a cupboard under the stairs you're some sort of monster.

Original poster

MsMarvel · 21/03/2015 17:41

Yes this would have probably still happened if they were together, or at least the invite would have been there always.

Contact is every weekend as agreed by lawyers. It used to be alternate with mid week contact but then ex moved too far away for midweek to be possible with school, so dp got access every weekend instead. One night, then two nights alternate weeks.

OP posts:

Phephenson · 22/03/2015 21:10

sounds reasonable to me msmarvel

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