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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my mum to stop putting pictures of DD on Facebook?

36 replies

TrixieB123 · 21/03/2015 00:20

This probably needs a bit of background, but basically my mum keeps putting pictures of littly on Facebook even after I've asked her not to. This would probably bother me less (but I'd still be furious), but she is facebook friends with the mother of my childhood abuser. This woman is the same woman that pointedly sent christmas cards and presents to everyone in our house barring me after my disclosure, the same woman that shouted abuse at me in the street, the same woman that now comments on pictures of my beautiful girl declaring that she's a credit to our family. It knocks me sick.

My mum told me that I'm being irrational, that she's an old woman just trying to make amends, but I have no desire to forgive her or her son and I don't see why I should have to. She's also told me that she'll continue to post pictures of DD because she's proud of her and wants to share that.

OP posts:

JohnCusacksWife · 21/03/2015 00:27

Sounds like your mum needs to un-friend the woman or you need to un-friend your mum.....

textfan · 21/03/2015 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

TrixieB123 · 21/03/2015 00:32

If I unfriend my mum I won't be able to monitor what she's posting, and she won't unfriend the woman because she's my little brother's gran and apparently protecting my brothers feelings are more important than my wishes regarding my daughter. I'm furious. She's being incredibly dismissive about the entire thing, but I can't say "well if you carry on then you just can't see DD", because then DD will be upset about not being able to see her nan.

OP posts:

Ejzuudjej · 21/03/2015 00:34

She is being massively unreasonable.

You are going to have to make some hard decisions involving ultimatums and consequences. She is your daughter and you have the right to say no to this.

Debinaround · 21/03/2015 00:38

UANBU

Why would your mother want to be FB friends with this horrible excuse of a woman?

Can you report it to Facebook? I'm not on it so not sure on the rules but surely there is something in place for people putting pictures of kids on there without their parents consent.

Debinaround · 21/03/2015 00:44

Sorry x post Trixie.

Even if this woman is your brothers GM I still don't get why she wants to have anything to do with her.

Why would your little brother care weather they are FB friends? I don't see why his feelings would be taken into account over this.

Original poster

TrixieB123 · 21/03/2015 00:49

The general consensus in the family is that we don't talk about what happened to me, partly to protect my brother, partly because discussing feelings is a cardinal sin apparently. It was never taken to court due to lack of evidence (happened as a small child, disclosed at 12 when I properly understood that what happened wasn't normal.) So mum likes to keep up appearances and that also includes being friends with "his" family. It's an argument I've had a lot and mostly I end up going round in circles and I've decided it's easier to just pick my battles and ignore that.

Sharing pictures of little one with them is a deal breaker for me though, and if it wouldn't hurt DD so much I'd just cut mum out completely, it makes no odds to me otherwise. It feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a bigger rock tbh, I can either put up with this vile woman talking about my child as though she's her granddaughter, or I can cut mum off and upset my little girl in the process.

OP posts:

EstRusMum · 21/03/2015 00:51

Report the pictures. Every single one.

Ejzuudjej · 21/03/2015 00:52

I would move and cut contact.
Your mental health is worth far more than this. It's dysfunctional.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/03/2015 00:54

TBH, I'd go with short term pain, long term protection and cut your mum off.
If your mum died, your DD would be upset too - she'd learn to live with it and she can learn to live with not seeing her now either.

Since your mum failed so abysmally in her duty of care towards you, what makes you think that she would be any better with your DD? Nothing, right? So get rid of her - you'll feel a lot safer and a lot happier knowing that you're doing the best thing for your DD's safety.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/03/2015 00:55

Is it too late to report your "stepfather" for his abuse? Or are you still into protecting your little brother?

textfan · 21/03/2015 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

TrixieB123 · 21/03/2015 00:57

Honestly it's less my mental health and more the fact that littlie is now the same age I was when it started happening that bothers me, I've blocked "him" so I don't have to see his face all the time but I know that friends of people commenting on things can see what they're commenting on and I don't want him to even look at DD.

I live an hour away from mum now so it wouldn't be that difficult to cut contact if I chose to, maybe I could phase her out slowly? I don't know.

Honestly it didn't even occur to me that I could report the pictures since they're not offensive material and it's not like it's a thing I've had to do before, I'm going to do that now.

OP posts:

textfan · 21/03/2015 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/03/2015 01:00

If you want it to stop now, then stop seeing her now. Phasing her out - too difficult. And if she gets wind that you are phasing her out then she'll probably take extra photos just to annoy you.

Original poster

TrixieB123 · 21/03/2015 01:02

The whole thing was a fiasco when I reported him in the first place and it's taken a long time to get into a space where I can come to terms with it. I told mum when I was 12 and she didn't believe me, it took me attempting suicide (at 12!) for her to even consider actioning anything and after questioning and examining and counselling it was determined that they wouldn't have enough evidence for a conviction. I can't see how they'd have enough evidence now anyway, so it would just reopen old wounds and that's more than I can deal with.

OP posts:

Original poster

TrixieB123 · 21/03/2015 01:05

All pictures have now been reported, definitely looking forward to the giant toddler tantrum mum is going to have. We're supposed to be visiting during half term, so I think it might be worth having a sit down with her (so she can't hang up!) and calmly discuss my reasons for being angry about this. If she still wants to carry on, then I can just call it a day knowing I've done everything I can.

OP posts:

M00nUnit · 21/03/2015 01:11

Hope reporting the photos makes your mum stop posting them. It's outrageous to put photos of someone else's child on the internet when you've specifically been told not to! She has absolutely no right and I'd be furious too.

SilverBirch2015 · 21/03/2015 01:15

How is she accessing you DD's photos? I understand if she is sharing your FB photos you can adjust your privacy settings to friends only, so that only people you are both FB friends with can see photos from your FB albums and pages.

Original poster

TrixieB123 · 21/03/2015 01:20

My own profile is on lock down, she's posting pictures that she takes herself. I get that she's proud of her because I am too, but I also wish she'd take history into account and respect my wishes.

OP posts:

SilverBirch2015 · 21/03/2015 01:25

I think until she stops doing this, I would not permit her to take pictures, unless she stops sharing them on FB or excludes this woman from being able to see them.

SilverBirch2015 · 21/03/2015 01:32

She obviously loves her GS very much, unless you can establish some acceptable controls on this behaviour that is causing you such understandable distress you have the perfect right to refuse her unrestricted access to your son.

SilverBirch2015 · 21/03/2015 01:36

*daughter

LittleMissRayofHope · 21/03/2015 01:37

If this was me, I WOULD be saying fine, then I can't put DD in a position where you can take a picture, which means not seeing her.
And when dd is old enough you can explain.

She's your daughter and yor mum is massively out of line here. Not least about being friends with the abusers mum. That is absolutely disgusting behaviour. That alone would have me reevaluating!

Cut her off, she's only got herself to blame

wickedlazy · 21/03/2015 01:47

I agree with pp's. Either your mother stops posting photographs or you cut contact between her and your dd completely. Ask her one more time, and if she goes against your (completely valid, sensible) wishes, cut her out of your lives. If she had any empathy she would have stopped posting them by now. What's wrong with putting pictures up in frames around the house for her true friends and family to see.

You said your mum didn't believe you when you disclosed abuse? Is she the type of person that cares more about keeping up appearances, and seeming like everything is just fine and dandy, than actually caring about how their family is really feeling and coping? If so, your daughter doesn't need her in her life. To be photographed endlessly so granny can play the proud grandparent on facebook, and show the world what a happy extended family you have. No unpleasantness here! No skeletons in our closet, look friends and neighbours, my younger sons grandmother just loves our little x to pieces!

It sounds like you have a lot of other issues too. But this is the straw that will break the camels back, because your dd is now involved in this mess your mother has allowed to happen (your feelings not being considered to "protect" your sibling etc). And you have rightly went into protective momma bear mode. Something she didn't do for you.

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