to ask my mum to stop putting pictures of DD on Facebook?

[TrixieB123]

This probably needs a bit of background, but basically my mum keeps putting pictures of littly on Facebook even after I've asked her not to. This would probably bother me less (but I'd still be furious), but she is facebook friends with the mother of my childhood abuser. This woman is the same woman that pointedly sent christmas cards and presents to everyone in our house barring me after my disclosure, the same woman that shouted abuse at me in the street, the same woman that now comments on pictures of my beautiful girl declaring that she's a credit to our family. It knocks me sick.

My mum told me that I'm being irrational, that she's an old woman just trying to make amends, but I have no desire to forgive her or her son and I don't see why I should have to. She's also told me that she'll continue to post pictures of DD because she's proud of her and wants to share that.

i think the best option for now is to just report all unauthorised pics of your dd she posts.

have that convo with her re respecting your decision not to have your dd pics posted on fb......if/when she ignores that - then a simple 'cease and desist' letter from a lawyer might do the trick. some may call that 'extreme' but if that's the only option left.......

Your mum needs to start respecting your wishes on this one. Not sure what you can do about it except become stricter when she takes out the camera.

OP the FB 'rules' are simple: parents decide if and which photos are posted and everyone else, including gp, falls into line.

But there is a lot more going on here and the FB issue pales in comparison. Your dm refused to believe you about the abuse and has continued to dismiss your experience. I think this is the worst thing about abuse; when victims lose their families b/c families do what your dm has done And cover up or minimise the abuse.

I suspect the FB pics will not harm your dd but they will harm you tremendously. That your dm refuses to see this is awful and I am so, so sorry. I would stop your mum seeing your dd or you for a while. You need to sort through this. Do you or have you had counselling? Would it be helpful to seek some?

Your dm is entirely in the wrong here and you should do whatever you need to to protect yourself.

AS a minor aside, does your brother have contact with his father? Is his father ever allowed into your mother's house?
And how old is your brother? Does he really still need to be protected?
Do you get on well with him?
And - importantly - how does he feel about your DD?

Yanbu at all. Your mum is being massively out of line. She has no right to post photo's of your dd at all, even without the abuse she still needs to respect your decisions regarding YOUR child. Have a strong word, tell her in no uncertain terms that as she has proved she cannot abide by your wishes she will not be allowed unsupervised access to dd, and if she persists with the photos contact will be stopped completely. Tell her this is non negaotiable, her choice. Good luck op.

I've received counselling on and off for the last 15 years, I feel it would probably help more if it was consistent but private is far too expensive and the demand for it on the NHS is high, some is better than none though.

Brother is 19 and still sees his father, I've asked him to not talk about him in front of me and while he does slip up sometimes, he's normally very good about respecting my wishes. He loves his niece very much and has stopped posting pictures on Facebook when I asked him to because obviously he's friends with his father on Facebook and I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable. His father isn't allowed into my mother's house (not because of what happened to me, but because he had an affair.)

There's a strong culture of undermining my parenting in general (allowing pudding when DD has barely touched her dinner, letting her come out of time out early or sitting and chatting with her when she is in time out.) in my family as a whole, which is I think why my mum is digging her heels in on this. I don't think it's done maliciously, I just think she's an idiot. Of course she doesn't want the whole world to know about what happened to me, it would be like telling the world she failed me. (I don't actually think she failed me by it happening, only in the aftermath.)

I sometimes think that she looks at DD as a second chance to be a good mum, she was resentful of me as a child (she had me too young, she could have made something of herself etc.) and it showed.

I'd stop her taking photos in the first place, to be honest.

We take photos of my nieces, none ever go on facebook unless their parents put them on. If I do post anything it is locked down to the parents only.

I am no fan of going no contact with someone, but for your daughter's sake, this might be an appropriate time. Your mother's abject and ongoing failure to protect you as a child and as an adult from abuse makes her an unfit parent and grandparent, especially when she's apparently unable to even attempt to make any kind of amends for her past, unforgivable neglect and leave your daughter out of it.

I really would cut contact with your mum. She sounds utterly awful. The best thing you could do for your daughter is remove this woman. You sound lovely, by the way.

I would cut contact with you mother too Trixie. The only reason you have given so far for not cutting contact already is that your DD would miss her. I can't see if you have put your DDs age on here (I might have missed it) but I'm sure she would be fine. She has you and your the important one. Kids adapt and it's not like you don't have a very good reason to go NC.

OH gosh, I was imagining your brother as being an early tween or teen! He's definitely old enough to not need protecting any longer, although it sounds like he's a decent bloke and doing the "right thing" by you anyway.

I hope that you manage to sort something out.