to want my life/ house back?

[brilliantlybew1ldered]

Try and keep this to a minimum: I have a complicated relationship with my ex, who is the father of my teenage son. We've always got on, even when we split up, and I guess have a kind of on-off relationship sexually but have always been friendly even when that's not been part of things. Scary to think that I've been sleeping with him on and off for nearly 18 years. There have been half-hearted other relationships but men have always (understandably) been put off by my close relationship with my ex.

I'm having some MH issues at the moment and am signed off work. I have days when I think it's all very serious and some days when I think everyone needs to calm down about it, but my friends and GP are very worried.

A few weeks ago, I had a blip and my GP said ex should come and stay to help look after my son and to help me out. I agreed and ex agreed. He's been great at helping out. Then, after a real confrontation with work, I had quite a big blip and got signed off, and then did some fairly extreme things like disappearing. I had told ex that I needed time out and I would never have left my son if ex hadn't been there, but the outcome of it was that GP said that, if ex went home, my son couldn't remain with me.

I'm struggling with it all now. I want normality back. Son does have quite challenging behaviour at times (autistic) but I can manage him and I'm really much better at the moment now I'm not having the problems at work. I'm finding having ex here is hard because I'm getting too reliant on him. Don't get me wrong, he's being great, but I can't get too dependent because we aren't together and I can't make a decision about whether I even want that at the current time. Wouldn't be fair.

So having him talk to my doctor and friends about me, and monitor my sleeping/ eating, and take control of my medication is all well-intentioned and done out of love (of whatever kind), but it's not real life.

Am I being a brat to want him to go home for some of the week now? And, given that all this is informal and based on me taking advice from my GP, do things have the potential to go more formal under safeguarding procedures if I send him home regardless of that advice?

Could you request that your ex leaves but continues liaise with you about taking your meds etc.? Would that work for you as a compromise?

Could your son stay with your ex until you're in better position?

It's more the supervision of my son that doctor seems concerned about. Though it's all been very informal and I've just agreed to it up till now so there haven't been any formal guidelines set out. I've just asked 'can he go home yet?' a few times and been told no.

Neither would want that and nor would I. I'd miss my boy and he would miss his house, routine and stuff. He's never once stayed at ex's house. Ex has always come to ours. My 'disappearing' was really a bid to get space but now everyone would freak out if I disappeared again. GP told ex to call police when I went off last time. Even though I had told him I was taking time out, nobody trusted me (probably fairly) to be sensible and I think same might apply right now.

Have been referred to mental health team, seeing therapist and psychiatrist. Also have access to (pointless and crap) crisis team. I know they're all communicating and writing to each other, but nobody seems keen for me to see the reports and I don't get sent copies. I have accepted that I have depression and am sometimes 'at risk' but I don't think feeling dependent on ex is aiding long-term recovery.

Fair point, Loletta. Just shorter to say ex!

Went to a hotel a few miles away.

Probably true. But that doesn't mean I can't parent, does it? These problems started well over a year ago now and I've been managing.

I guess I don't want to make things worse by forcing GP to make informal advice formal. But could that happen? I suppose I could always tell father-of-son that GP says he can go home and just not tell GP that he's gone, but I've promised not to lie to either of them and I'd feel bad. But then the current situation feels bad too.

Psychosis hasn't been mentioned - to me, anyway! GP did say explicitly that she couldn't section me but asked if I'd like to go into hospital. I said no.

Could you and ex swap over homes for a while? Keep ds at home and settled whilst you get some space?

I've wondered that. But his house is a state and he was in the middle of doing a lot of work to it, so there's currently not even a bed. Plus I think being on my own would be crap as I'd have nothing to force me into a routine. Having my son around makes me snap out of it enough to function.

No, SS aren't involved. Son used to have a disability social worker, at my request, as it meant he could access various services and activities, but was discharged.

I didn't think SS could be involved except for above reasons either. So does this mean I can choose to accept advice or not and make a decision with father-of-son about what works for us rather than having to just do as I'm told even if I'd rather not? I AM listening to professionals but I think it's complicated by the fact that, in some ways, father-of-son's input is making me just more pathetic and reliant.

Apart from knowing your ds is ok, what do YOU need?
What would help you?

Think I am probably intermittently deemed to be a threat to myself. Not others though. Which is why I want to be trusted to look after my son rather than feeling completely totally pointless and redundant.
Thanks you for your advice.

What would help: my boss not being a machine, and allowing me to be at work by agreeing to follow Occ Health report and GP's advice. Getting my house/ son back so I feel more normal. Not feeling like a sledgehammer has been applied to my life!

Thanks but I get full pay for a few months - and am hoping to be back at work before then, if union can get boss to stop being unreasonable. Things have definitely fallen apart more speedily since work became part of the problem rather than a distraction from it.

Hi OP, sorry to hear you aren't feeling too good, hope you can get things in better shape at work and start feeling better soon.

I'm no expert on these things, but your GP has no right to dictate who lives in your house with you, but obviously is correct in advising you to take measures so that your son has full time care, including any time that you feel you can't cope on your own.

The picture you have painted here of your 'disappearance' doesn't sound too bad on the surface. You told your ex you needed some space and went to a hotel for a short time to do your own thing. You made sure he was there to look after your son, so you weren't neglectful. It doesn't sound bad from what you are saying. I can understand that your ex was worried that you weren't ok, and called the police, maybe he overreacted, but he was probably just worried. I often see advice on here telling women to get out of the house for a weekend and let the partner do the house work and child care when it gets too much. I don't think what you have done is much different, but obviously you being signed off would make people more vigilant about your well being at such a time.

I suppose the decision to ask your ex to leave depends on whether you feel you are truly feeling better and able to cope on your own. He sounds like a good man from what you have said. Do you think he would be comfortable if you suggested a slow retreat and just ask him to go home in the evenings and come over during the day to help out? You can then reduce the days/hours he needs to be over dependent on how you are recovering?