to want my life/ house back?

[brilliantlybew1ldered]

Try and keep this to a minimum: I have a complicated relationship with my ex, who is the father of my teenage son. We've always got on, even when we split up, and I guess have a kind of on-off relationship sexually but have always been friendly even when that's not been part of things. Scary to think that I've been sleeping with him on and off for nearly 18 years. There have been half-hearted other relationships but men have always (understandably) been put off by my close relationship with my ex.

I'm having some MH issues at the moment and am signed off work. I have days when I think it's all very serious and some days when I think everyone needs to calm down about it, but my friends and GP are very worried.

A few weeks ago, I had a blip and my GP said ex should come and stay to help look after my son and to help me out. I agreed and ex agreed. He's been great at helping out. Then, after a real confrontation with work, I had quite a big blip and got signed off, and then did some fairly extreme things like disappearing. I had told ex that I needed time out and I would never have left my son if ex hadn't been there, but the outcome of it was that GP said that, if ex went home, my son couldn't remain with me.

I'm struggling with it all now. I want normality back. Son does have quite challenging behaviour at times (autistic) but I can manage him and I'm really much better at the moment now I'm not having the problems at work. I'm finding having ex here is hard because I'm getting too reliant on him. Don't get me wrong, he's being great, but I can't get too dependent because we aren't together and I can't make a decision about whether I even want that at the current time. Wouldn't be fair.

So having him talk to my doctor and friends about me, and monitor my sleeping/ eating, and take control of my medication is all well-intentioned and done out of love (of whatever kind), but it's not real life.

Am I being a brat to want him to go home for some of the week now? And, given that all this is informal and based on me taking advice from my GP, do things have the potential to go more formal under safeguarding procedures if I send him home regardless of that advice?

PS just reading your last posts, if the work situation is really getting you down it might be wise to spend a little time enrolling on job sites and getting signed up to job alert emails, and checking out new roles in your area. No job should be making you sick, so you might want to consider other options.

It just sounds like you want your life back without the MH problems then Yes?
So would meds help? Do you need support that isn't your ex in place? If your ex wasn't an option would there be help?

Yes, desperately want my life back before the problems and the loss that set it all off. That's what it comes down to.

I want to go for the half-and-half option (him here sometimes but not all the time) but I'm worried that, if I say that to my doctor, she'll do something child protection-wise and then I've made stuff worse.

I am on meds but all the MH people say it's therapy that's going to be the changer as there's been no significant improvement on any of the 4 meds that I've been on.

I wouldn't be able to get a new job with my current attendance record, and my union are confident that boss will be set straight that he's breaking Equality Act with his current stance (refusing some really quite small adjustments).

I don't have any effective support from family other than ex.

Son's father IS a really good man. That's not the issue. I am very grateful to him.

Ok. You need a staged return to the status quo. That's what you need to talk about. How do they see you regaining autonomy? Rather than saying this is what you want it's got to be what is our path back to normal? Ask that question.
Good luck. My dd has mild ASD and I have had some milder mh issues so I have an inkling.
Just being someone who potters along is a good place to be

Yes, exactly that. I just keep being told 'it'll take as long as it takes'. I am not a patient person.

Thing is OP, it sounds like what you want and what your DS needs are two different things. You want the opportunity to manage your own affairs again and are finding having your ex living in your house difficult (not surprisingly), but your MH team feel that your DS isn't safe in that environment.

You admit that you're a danger to yourself, so how is that safe for him? If you are alone in the house with him and you harm yourself, or worse, how is that safe? I can fully understand your frustration, but until you can prove that you're not suicidal or wanting to self-harm then I can't see how you're going to get your autonomy back - and you're clearly not in that place yet.

Try to focus on your recovery and not to get too hung up on your living situation. Your ex is there to keep both you and your DS safe, by the sound of things, and without him there it sounds like you might need to be in hospital and your DS in care (or staying with another relative). So while this situation isn't ideal, it does at least allow both you and your DS to remain in your home while you recover.

I think YAB a bit U. I can understand it must be very frustrating to feel as though your autonomy is compromised like this but if you are still considered a danger to yourself then it's understandable that those around you want someone else there for the sake of your son.

You say you struggle with patience but perhaps this is something to work on? Certainly your impatience doesn't weigh heavily against your son's safety as a factor to consider.

I wouldn't do anything if I was on my own with him though.

What I want (and what my son needs) is for me to be better, and the current situation feels like it prevents that. But maybe I need to accept that I am not thinking clearly :(

I'm sorry you've been having such a difficult time of things lately. I certainly don't think you are being a brat or unreasonable to want some normality back and more time to yourself or time just with your son but in answer to your question as to whether changing these informal arrangements could lead to more formal safeguarding concerns and investigations then yes I think it could. It seems like there's lots of people involved in your care, can you discuss this with them to show that you've taken on board some of the concerns but are looking to regain that independence? Being upfront about what you want to do and being willing to listen and address their concerns will serve you better than acting unilaterally and asking your son's father to leave. Hope you are feeling better soon.

I just looked up safeguarding stuff and realised that my son probably does come under level 3 (child in need) anyway because of his disability and having crazy parent probably doesn't help :( .

Feeling quite trapped.

Thank you all for your input.

all the MH people say it's therapy that's going to be the changer

When is the therapy starting?

You could tell your therapist that you want to focus on getting well enough that your ex can move out.

It's sorted of started. Had one type for 7 months last year and it was sort of pointless. Then another type which was good but short-term. Now started a higher level of that but she feels I need something different first. Getting a bit frustrated.

Spoke to father-of-son about this today. Said "I could manage son fine if you weren't here, couldn't I?" He looked really sad and said he thought I'd struggle. :(

I would listen to the advice of your G. The last thing you want is SS to get involved.

GP*

Sorry it must be really frustrating for you, but ultimately you sound like a lovely mum, and will choose that's best for your DC. Cherish the support you have.

Everyone wants you to succeed in getting well again OP - its in no one's interests to see your recovery put back or, god forbid, you succeed in harming yourself. Just think of all the people who would have to live with themselves if they let you live alone again, against their better judgement.

It does sound though like you want to run before you can walk. It will take time. I think you need to make your peace with that and focus on the things you CAN control. Can you ask your HCPs for some achievable goals perhaps? A 'road map' back to where you want and need to be to get your life back? Then as you recover you can tick things off and have a sense of purpose and forward movement.

I know. The problem is that I get less and less likely to be honest about how terrible I really feel the more I feel like it'll be used against me. I am terrified of being sectioned or having SS involved regarding my son. So it's lose-lose. I can fake OK to everyone except my GP, who's very perceptive, but she's going off on leave in a couple of weeks so then I could fake fine, but then it's a bit of an own goal regarding getting better for real.

I think you are probably concentrating on the wrong thing here and putting the cart before the horse. nobody on here knows all the details so It is better to listen to those in your life that do and they are telling you it isn't time yet. how long has your ex been in your house.? also it's one thing to be fine while life is fine it's another thing to be able to cope with the stresses that life throws you without the situation turning back to you not coping.

take this time to get well. don't worry about the time frame. maybe talk to your ex about gradually easing back on the amount you depend on him now with a view to him moving out when you are better.

He's been here since December. That's a really long time!

Maybe when you are stronger you could all agree and move on to daily visits. He could pop in for a hour each day to touch base and you could agree to ring straight away if you started to struggle again.

That would be great. And I would ring him if I needed him - he's always been the person I ring when life goes wrong, to be honest. I just know everyone'll say no, and I want to know when that will change.