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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't sexist at all.

999 replies

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 20/03/2015 17:55

In my DH works on night shifts each of the wives/partners cook for all the men on shift.

I'm happy with it and so are all the other women, we have been doing this for years. It means they all get a hot home made meal.

The 1 partner of a new man who has started has pulled a strop and said it sexiest and very 1950.

The reason we all enjoy cooking them as we can step away from cooking 'kids' meals and kick up the heat on curries and jerk chicken ect.
While I accept that children do eat these kind of meals within our friendship group all these are always done mild.

IABU to think it is not sexiest.

In able to do this many years ago with the Christmas bonus they brought a George foreman, slow cooker, pressure cooker and a rice cooker. Due to H&S the only thing they haven't got is a deep fat fryer. But all the others have been PACT tested.

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 22/03/2015 23:09

Yes, Orlando - that wasn't why I was using the SAHM example. Nothing to do with being forced - just people's perceptions/criticism of 'women's work' in one context but not another.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/03/2015 23:12

I guess that passes for logic on your planet... but actually several posters over several pages have explained why they do not consider the mere fact of staying home to raise children in preference to engaging in paid labour is in itself sexist. You just keep on with the old "broken record" technique, saying the same thing over and over until someone cracks and admits that yes, they think that thing you think they ought to be thinking. Even if they don't.

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 23:13

Text Orlando She didn't even speak to the woman.

KatieKaye · 22/03/2015 23:13

It's still not relevant, bumble.
You just have a bee in your bonnet about it.

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 23:16

I'm bemused by the detailed curry recipe we got and the minutiae of the breakfast guy's cooking.

bumbleymummy · 22/03/2015 23:18

Annie, yes, I know what they say about the SAHM arrangement but it contradicts what they have previously said/criticised about the cooking arrangement being wrong/sexist because it is stereotypical women's work.

I've only repeated it for clarification because some people are asking why I was using it as a comparison and saying it wasn't relevant when actually, in the context I'm using it, it is.

HTH :)

bumbleymummy · 22/03/2015 23:19

No bee in my bonnet at all. It highlights the contradictions well.

OrlandoWoolf · 22/03/2015 23:20

I got a text asking if I would batch cook for my husband and his colleagues

#everydaysexism

SilverBirch2015 · 22/03/2015 23:22

To me, it's my concern about the group dynamic at play in this situation. It may be that I live in a very sheltered world, and all 19 women are indeed autonomously signed up to this bulk cooking process.

However I can't help feeling that there must be some form of social pressure for both the men and woman to conform to the norm of the group. In my mind this equates to a subtle form of sexism, in the same way group think can generate racist behaviour by using a specific term to describe someone with a different ethnic heritage.

This unintentionally rude reaction by new woman has helped throw a light on this.

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 23:24

, Silver I absolutely agree. And the implied judgement about the other woman reinforces that.

OrlandoWoolf · 22/03/2015 23:26

So I wonder what's going to happen? Will new man make the food? Will the other wives question the norm? Is this a Rosa Parks moment?

Anniegetyourgun · 22/03/2015 23:30

I know what they say about the SAHM arrangement but it contradicts what they have previously said/criticised about the cooking arrangement being wrong/sexist because it is stereotypical women's work

I'm sorry, it's a 32-page thread and it's late, would you kindly point me towards the posts that said the arrangement was wrong because etc? Probably near the beginning of the thread I imagine.

Bambambini · 22/03/2015 23:31

If new wife hadn't been so rude then this thread would not have been started and the OP would not have realised the expectations of this set up was weird and sexist. This could be the start of the end for hot curry dinners and jerk chicken on the night shift. I feel sad, it could be the end of something beautiful.

SilverBirch2015 · 22/03/2015 23:39

Is this a Rosa Parks moment? Grin

Ideally I would like the OP to open it up with the whole group of co-workers and partners to discuss openly how they all about the arrangement, how is working for them, encourage people to opt out if they are finding it a problem for them. Agreeing some other options in the workplace for people who do not want to participate any more. Where is the employer in all of this, what about them providing a second microwave?

Ooooooooh · 22/03/2015 23:46

Have you heard back yet ?

BackCrackAndNappySack · 23/03/2015 05:22

''OK, lets cut OP a bit of slack.

A team of people work night shifts together.
They like having a hot meal in the middle of the night.

They could each eat a shitty chicken ping
OR
they could save a fortune by taking turns to bring in a communal meal.

OP happens to cook the one her team member DH takes in.
Chances are some of the other team members actually cook what they take in.
One team member prefers to do short order cook breakfast than take something in from home could have a crap kitchen where they live

A new team member has not been invited in a way that makes it clear that each team member decides how best to participate

  • it may be the spouse/partner cooks
  • it may be the team member cooks
  • it may be their parents cook
  • it may be their children cook
  • they may hire a caterer

the idea of a communal meal is FAB
the way OP's DH has presented it to the new team member needs work

basically OP, your DH should have invited him to take part
not you invite his wife
IYSWIM''

TalkPeace that is an excellent summary full of well balanced common sense. No wonder your name is TalkPeace. When you decide to run for government let me know and I'll vote for you.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2015 05:56

I think I have rarely read a thread where someone is quite so consistently talking at cross purposes to everyone else and misconstruing people's points quite so regularly as bumblymummy on this one!

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2015 06:03

talkinpeace yes that's a good summary but it glosses over a few points and makes quite a few assumptions

"Chances are that some of the team members cook what they take in"

Except the op explicitly says they don't. That the wives / partners do it in every case

"One team member prefers to do a short order cook breakfast"

Yes, and this just happens to be the one member without a partner to do it for him

BackCrackAndNappySack · 23/03/2015 06:08

There are 20 of them - how can she know exactly who cooks what every time? Confused

And even if the wives/female partners do always do it, they presumably do it out of choice because they are generally the cooks of the household. It isn't a prerequisite that you must only provide the meals if you are a woman, the fact that most or all of them are is irrelevant really.

I really think that people should be left alone to make their own decisions about who does what in their household. I agree that the OP or her DH should have approached the man about this arrangement and not his partner, though. Then it would have been up to him to discuss it with her, or not, depending on who does most of the cooking in their house.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2015 06:11

Back I absolutely agree that everyone should be allowed to choose. Which is precisely the courtesy that that op didn't extend to New Wife.

Pagwatch · 23/03/2015 06:38

The thread is like a whole other world.

My dh does most of the cooking because I'm rubbish. If someone suggested I would like to cook for him and his workmates he would be horrified, both by the notion that I should cook for his colleagues and because he might have to eat it.
Yet he has a penis and I an a sahm. We are a wacky combo.

bumbleymummy · 23/03/2015 07:04

BitoutpfPractice - you obviously haven't read all my posts because I've agreed with most people on this thread about the main issue.

Nice to get a little jibe in though? Yes? :)

One of the first things I agreed with was talkinpeace's summary. The OP has said since that some of the men may be cooking the meals themselves.

OrlandoWoolf · 23/03/2015 09:04

TBF - the OP has admitted that she made a mistake in asking the wife of the new person to join in.

SilverBirch2015 · 23/03/2015 09:13

If some men are cooking themselves, (as many of us suspect), from the OPs original post and approach to the new woman, the group are not openly sharing this information.

I wonder why that would be the case?

Could it not be a clear indication that there is indeed social pressure to conform to a sexist presumption about gender roles.

Thymeout · 23/03/2015 09:22

Just caught up with Kiri's post about OP taking the new wife out for a drink to apologise for having insulted her.

Really?

In real life, as opposed to the rarified world of Mumsnet, it'd the new wife who would be making the apology. Afair, her text was something like, 'fuck that! ....1950's sexist twats.'

Who's being insulted here? Don't you think that there was some conversation at work about where the free hot food came from? That the new man wasn't asked about OP ringing up his wife?

I find it depressing that so many of the suggestions on this thread would result in the end of an arrangement that has obviously been working well for years. 'The firm could buy another microwave'....

I think it's sexist that you think the 19 wives are so feeble and brain-washed and lacking in self esteem that they're incapable of making their own choices. They just happen to be different from yours.

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