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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This isn't sexist at all.

999 replies

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 20/03/2015 17:55

In my DH works on night shifts each of the wives/partners cook for all the men on shift.

I'm happy with it and so are all the other women, we have been doing this for years. It means they all get a hot home made meal.

The 1 partner of a new man who has started has pulled a strop and said it sexiest and very 1950.

The reason we all enjoy cooking them as we can step away from cooking 'kids' meals and kick up the heat on curries and jerk chicken ect.
While I accept that children do eat these kind of meals within our friendship group all these are always done mild.

IABU to think it is not sexiest.

In able to do this many years ago with the Christmas bonus they brought a George foreman, slow cooker, pressure cooker and a rice cooker. Due to H&S the only thing they haven't got is a deep fat fryer. But all the others have been PACT tested.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 21/03/2015 20:58

because not versus sorry.

bumbleymummy · 21/03/2015 21:04

Bertie, my last post was to SilverBirch.

I don't understand what telling a group of women that they shouldn't be cooking for their husbands (even if they want to) is going to achieve as far as changing society's opinion of women goes.

SilverBirch2015 · 21/03/2015 21:08

BertieBotts, an excellent post. A clear cohesive explanation, and useful analogy.

Bumbley, it actually isn't just one couple's decision, there is a group dynamic and social pressure potentially happening here. Yes the OP states her and the other woman are happy to do this. I'm not so sure, judging from her pretty gauche handling of the new colleague and the single man's contribution, that they are not just reinforcing some pretty sexist stereotype behaviour.

Ooooooooh · 21/03/2015 21:08

Tell us her reply. It would be awful to unintentionally get off on the wrong foot and I hope your last text smooths the waters.

In theory she should reply with something like 'DH is keen to cook on a rota day thanks (or DH isn't keen to cook sadly), we are quite into equality in our house '. This way she's lightening things but getting her point across nicely.

Original poster

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 21/03/2015 21:14

I do Dish myself a portion of what I cook, no where in this thread have I said I haven't.

The man who does the fry up does so because he wants to, he can if he wants do something different. It's not set in stone in what he can or can't cook.

OP posts:

Pantsfullofsmarties · 21/03/2015 21:14

Are the dh/dp firefighters??
My friends dh tried getting her to cook for everyone.... He does it himself.
I think the issue with "Miss who threw a strop" is that the man will receive meals but his dp won't be returning the favour..... Getting cooking man is what I say.

Pantsfullofsmarties · 21/03/2015 21:15

Ohh and yabu .

BertieBotts · 21/03/2015 21:18

Well no, it wouldn't. You don't change things from that direction, it doesn't work. But there will be several factors at play here which will feed into the logical conclusion that this group of people (who happen to be male) are doing heavy manual work (which is male dominated, which is based on the valuing of men's physical strength, for starters) and hence need sustenance (fair), that it is practical for it to be prepared by their partners (because, perhaps, they already do most of the cooking, because that is the set up - which again has a range of factors present in the decision of that set up - because the idea that women are good at or enjoy cooking is encouraged, because the idea that women care for their husbands and children by feeding them is incredibly strong and culturally engrained, we see it as an act of love, which is fair, it is! But why this act of love rather than any other.)

That's brushing on the surface, really. But it's fallacy to pretend that the decision is entirely circumstantial, when there are so many factors which will have lead into each part of the decision.

It is not accident that the group are all male. It is not accident that 95% of them are married. It is not accident that their wives are the ones doing the cooking, these are not coincidences, they are patterns. You could probably find a similar set up in several other warehouses or other situations where there is a male dominated profession and the men need to eat.

BertieBotts · 21/03/2015 21:21

I do plenty of stereotypical things myself, BTW. We all do. It's not a problem on an individual level. It's not incompatible with feminism. It doesn't make feminism irrelevant to you. You can absolutely be a feminist and a cupcakes-and-glitter fan and a wife and a mother and shave your legs and whatever you want. You know? This isn't some attack. It's just pointing out that there is a wider pattern and it's useful to be aware of it even if you don't want to change your personal situation - nobody is saying that you have to.

Ooooooooh · 21/03/2015 21:24

If I was cooking in bulk, I'd make enough to feed me and the kids too, then also freeze a load for nights DH worked.

DartmoorDoughnut · 21/03/2015 21:26

Omg I've only read as far as page 6, started laughing and read it out to D H and he asks what was wrong with it and said it was good old army "wife of" I may have to LTB

DocHollywood · 21/03/2015 21:29

Op, I definitely think that the text was meant for her husband and the 'twats' are the nightshift. Just text back 'lol, that told me!' and I bet she'll be totally embarrassed

bumbleymummy · 21/03/2015 21:31

Silver, I've already posted my opinion about the approach that the OP took and her attitude towards the newcomers partner. What I have questioned you about was your opinion that a group of women arranging to cook for their husbands was sexist.

Exactly oooh - you don't need to be rude to make a point.

ClockwiseCat · 21/03/2015 21:32

Just back and I'm still confused about the whole thing. I just don't see why the woman was so rude in the text, unless she thought it was a wind up by the husbands. Because otherwise she's just a twat or made up. I don't believe that anyone in real life is such a complete tit that they would send such a rude text to complete strangers who happen to be related to DH's colleagues. Who does that?!

ClockwiseCat · 21/03/2015 21:34

Ok, what Doc said makes sense - that she thought it was all a wind up by the husbands. I can understand her text in that context rather than sending it to the wife.

kojackscat · 21/03/2015 21:36

I haven't read all this thread, because I am trying to get DS to sleep, and this is making me laugh out load. Great big belly laughs! I have never read such a bizarre thread on here before. What a weird situation you describe, OP, I am flabbergasted that anyone would take part in cooking rota for their partners workplace. Especially with the excuse of is it is 'fun to cook spicy food' and 'it saves money on ready meals'. Honestly, I cant stop laughing.

MsJudgementalPants · 21/03/2015 21:48

Is this a pisstake? Seriously OP, your original post suggests your life revolves around cooking boring food for the kids and better stuff for the men folk. my calendar does suggest it's 2015. Why you would expect any man to involve his partner in the workplace catering arrangements is completely beyond me.

Get a grip, YABU.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/03/2015 21:54

Oh fuck this...leaves thread....

CaptainHolt · 21/03/2015 22:05

I'd bet my house that not every one of the 18 womenfolk is doing the actual cooking.

NigellasGuest · 21/03/2015 22:13

are you from a culture that thinks this is normal?
could be a cultural thing.

DocHollywood · 21/03/2015 22:28

Ha, yes the men probably do the cooking but pretend it's the women because they want to preserve their laddishness.

ilovesooty · 21/03/2015 22:35

I'd bet my house that not every one of the 18 womenfolk is doing the actual cooking

So would I. And I'd bet most of the men won't have told their colleagues either.

YouAreMyRain · 21/03/2015 22:38

How do we even know that it was the GF/DW that responded? It could have been the male colleague that thought it was a piss take text and responded himself. Message and response were both through the male coworkers phones.

ouryve · 21/03/2015 23:57

Manhattan, the OP had (admittedly humorous) a thread in which she said her DP came home and suggested she participated in "steak and BJ day".

firesidechat · 22/03/2015 09:13

Not trying to goad you. Just wondering why some people think that women choosing to cook meals for their husbands/partners is considered sexist. Surely that's also a decision being made by a couple?

But they aren't just cooking for their own partners are they? They are feeding 20 men at their place of work.

We have a very traditional set up. Husband goes out to work, puts up shelves and I've probably mowed the lawn once in 30 years. I'm not working at the moment and do 99% of the housework and cooking (love cooking and manage to cook tasty meals for both children and adults without suffering chilli withdrawal symptoms). I also do the vast majority of the painting and decorating and am a dab hand at putting together flat pack furniture. We play to our strengths and divide accordingly.

I would consider it seriously out of order if someone suggested cooking for my husband and 19 of his colleagues at work. It's not hard to imagine that there is a fair amount of social pressure put of all the wives to agree to this and that many are indeed unhappy about having to do so, but don't want to rock the boat.

I short this has nothing to do with sahms.

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