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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't sexist at all.

999 replies

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 20/03/2015 17:55

In my DH works on night shifts each of the wives/partners cook for all the men on shift.

I'm happy with it and so are all the other women, we have been doing this for years. It means they all get a hot home made meal.

The 1 partner of a new man who has started has pulled a strop and said it sexiest and very 1950.

The reason we all enjoy cooking them as we can step away from cooking 'kids' meals and kick up the heat on curries and jerk chicken ect.
While I accept that children do eat these kind of meals within our friendship group all these are always done mild.

IABU to think it is not sexiest.

In able to do this many years ago with the Christmas bonus they brought a George foreman, slow cooker, pressure cooker and a rice cooker. Due to H&S the only thing they haven't got is a deep fat fryer. But all the others have been PACT tested.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 21/03/2015 18:55

That they are somehow oppressed and downtrodden because there is no possible way that any woman might actually want to cook a meal for her partner and colleagues

Sure thing sweets. It's not like they have anything else of worth to be getting on with is it?

Stealthpolarbear · 21/03/2015 19:03

great, another nigt off the cottage pie and smiley faces, cooking staaaag chilli for the real men. with yorkies all round for afters

kittensinmydinner · 21/03/2015 19:07

It simply all boils down to this. If the other partners/wives WANT to do this then it's their right to do so. If they don't, then don't do it !!

SilverBirch2015 · 21/03/2015 19:15

Oh, I can remember the joy of cricket teas. Even in the late 1970s when invited to participate as a girlfriend, thinking WTF I came to watch the cricket like the other men who weren't playing!

Manhattan, the OP had (admittedly humorous) a thread in which she said her DP came home and suggested she participated in "steak and BJ day".

Yes this thread is bugging me too,

bumbleymummy · 21/03/2015 19:20

"the implication that she's falling short of expected standards by not complying."

I agree that this isn't right. Saying that she was 'throwing a strop' because she didn't want to join in. As I said earlier, the newcomer should have been told about the arrangement and then it's up to him to decide if he wants to join in and his wife/partner can decide if she wants to be involved.

bumbleymummy · 21/03/2015 19:22

Yes, you can always rely on certain posters being patronising and accusing you of 'being in denial' or 'not understanding' because you don't happen to agree with them. Hmm

Thymeout · 21/03/2015 19:26

Bertie - Well, personally, I'd rather do the cooking than spend the whole night manhandling pallets. In fact, I'd hate manhandling pallets so much that I'd want to lighten my dh's load if I could. Is that manswork/womenswork and sexist of me?

In my household, menswork was the things I didn't fancy doing. Of course I was quite capable of getting rid of the maggoty dead fox, tipping the washing machine upside down to clear the pump, bringing down all the dusty heavy stuff from the loft and taking slug-ridden bags of rotting vegetation to the tip. And had to do it when my dh was away. But he thought that he was better at that sort of thing than me, and I didn't disabuse him of that sexist assumption.

In return for which, I did the things I liked, or didn't dislike as much, and was good at.

Where is the oppression in that? OP likes cooking for the group. I expect she also likes being in touch with the other wives. Or some of them. It wouldn't suit everyone, but it suits them. Live and let live. No need to lecture people about their choices.

Her motivation in texting the new man's wife was that she didn't want her to feel excluded from a long-standing association between the wives. Obviously, she wants to be excluded. But I wonder what her dh thinks.

Ooooooooh · 21/03/2015 19:28

OP it would have been better to text the DH and not sent a text to his phone for his partner. It would have been better to ask him if he wanted to join in with the communal cooking rota.

Ooooooooh · 21/03/2015 19:31

It might be best to text again and say 'didn't mean to offend sorry, trying to sort the rota out didn't know if DH or yourself wanted to join in'

bumbleymummy · 21/03/2015 19:34

"It's not like they have anything else of worth to be getting on with is it?"

Why do you consider cooking a meal for a large group of people 'not of worth'?

ilovesooty · 21/03/2015 19:34

In the OP's position I certainly wouldn't text again.

SilverBirch2015 · 21/03/2015 19:55

I can remember a group of women on TV talking about upcoming legislation on women's right to equal pay for equal jobs. They view that it was wrong, as men should earn more as they were the main breadwinners. They also had the right to their opinions..., but please don't let women who wish to conform to a sexist group behaviour expect me to agree with them.

I'm not being rude or unnecessarily critical, but the OP has asked for our opinions about whether their behaviour is sexist.

SilverBirch2015 · 21/03/2015 19:55

*their

bumbleymummy · 21/03/2015 20:01

So is being a SAHM sexist behaviour?

ilovesooty · 21/03/2015 20:04

Why should it be bumbley?
Haven't we had enough threads about that issue without dragging it into this one?

bumbleymummy · 21/03/2015 20:10

You would think.

FryOneFatManic · 21/03/2015 20:25

Camolips Sat 21-Mar-15 15:15:48
I thought that the new worker would see the text as it's on his phone, forward it to his wife, she answered back 'you're a load of sexist twats (meaning him and his mates) and he's sent it back to the op without realising Shock Could be wrong though!

This was my thought as soon as I saw what the reply was. I doubt that the newbie's wife would have been so rude directly to the OP, but a reply like this to her own DH makes sense.

CunningCat · 21/03/2015 20:27

I'm back nights on Monday, anyone going to offer to cook me a dinner to take?
I'm not bothered whether it is cooked by a vagina or a pair of bollocks GrinGrin

Original poster
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 21/03/2015 20:29

I have text back saying what oooooosh said.

I genuinely just didn't want to exclude her, but I can see what I have offended her.

The steak and BJ thread was a lighthearted thread and no way was DH being serious.

OP posts:
OrangeMochaFrappucino · 21/03/2015 20:33

But OP, please tell us what's so fun about cooking spicy food that you won't get to eat and why the single man has to do a fry up? I keep checking back to see if you've explained!

SilverBirch2015 · 21/03/2015 20:34

Bumbles, you do seem to trying to goad me to argue. I have not mentioned anything about SAHM - this is a personal decision for any couple.

In fact the OP does work, her DP makes sandwiches for her to take to work she mentioned up thread.

BertieBotts · 21/03/2015 20:40

Bumbley: No. Individual acts of gardening or SAHM are not sexist. Societal trends that men tend to do heavy, one-off jobs around the home and women tend to be more likely to be the main carer and less likely to work are sexist, and these choices aren't made in a vacuum. I myself work fewer hours than DH and do the bulk of childcare. In our case that was because it was always the setup; DS is not DH's child. And in fact, even when I was with XP, I was a SAHM in part because I did not have a job at the time he was born, so it was a practical decision. But no, I'm not going to claim it was some wholely separate decision making process; there was a part of me which felt that I should stay at home, and a large part of XP, I am certain, who would never have considered staying at home.

I'm sure there is an article or a blog post or a book somewhere who can explain this better than I am managing, but it is possible for individual acts not to be sexist while a general trend in society is sexist.

Perhaps a racial parallel helps. If two men apply for the same job, one black, one white. The white man is more qualified, more experienced and comes across more professionally in interview. He gets the job. Is it racist? No, of course not. The individual act of choosing a white candidate over a black candidate in this instance was not race motivated; the white candidate just happened to be better qualified for the role. It would be ludicrous in this instance to give the job to the less qualified, less experienced, less professional candidate just because he was black.

Yet. If you look across entire populations, proportionally more white people are hired than black people and they are hired in higher and more prestigious positions than black people, even when you adjust for educational level. This is racist, or, if you like, white privilege.

In fact if you look at the interview example, things may not be as clear cut as they seem. The black candidate may have had fewer educational opportunities. He might have been less likely to be considered for other jobs leading to his lack of experience. The "professionalism" or lack of felt by the interviewers could have been their own racial bias at work. Still; his lack of education and experience is not the white candidate's fault, and it is not the responsibility of employers to make up the difference in education and experience. It still was not a racist decision by those employers to hire the more qualified, more experienced white candidate. But it is a pattern we can't ignore as a society and we should try to change as a society.

bumbleymummy · 21/03/2015 20:49

Not trying to goad you. Just wondering why some people think that women choosing to cook meals for their husbands/partners is considered sexist. Surely that's also a decision being made by a couple?

BertieBotts · 21/03/2015 20:53

Because it doesn't happen in a vacuum.

ilovesooty · 21/03/2015 20:57

I'm wondering actually how many of this group of women actually want to do this. I still think it seems like a throwback to a different era.
I'd also like to know what will be said at work to this new chap with the wife who isn't toeing the line - versus I bet that will get discussed. Hmm