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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my sister to sleep in a hotel?

62 replies

Meechimoo · 20/03/2015 15:38

(my sister already gets on my goat a fair bit already, expecting regular childcare for her 3 and 6 yr old from our 80 year old frankly quite exhausted Mum...)
She's recently asked to come and stay with us, they're a family of 4. (And we're a family of 5)
This would mean 9 people in an average sized house. With no spare rooms.
We have two school aged kids and a preschooler.
The eldest kids rooms aren't the tidiest and are chock full of personal stuff like posters, ornaments, diaries etc..I'm loathe to get them to sleep on the sofa for a few days so guests can use their rooms.
We had them to stay a few years ago and it was very cramped, very chaotic and I swore never again. We've never stayed with them because we wouldn't want to bunk down on airbeds in their lounge. Which is what they're suggesting.
Also, our youngest is a very early riser so where the hell would I go with her when she wakes at 6 and they're all snoring on my lounge floor? Their toddler wakes at 8 apparently! Like I said, having done it before and felt like I was in a living hell for 3 days, I really don't want to do it again.
So I replied to my sister's text with a polite message saying that we didn't really have enough room and wouldn't it be better if she stayed in our local travel lodge?

Anyway, now she's got the major hump according to our other sis (who doesn't think I'm being unreasonable) and won't talk to me. She's basically sulking and ignoring my messages.
So, am I being unreasonable?
Be honest!
Should I just suck it up and let the 4 of them crash here with the 5 of us even if there's not enough space and I hate every second?

OP posts:

avocadotoast · 21/03/2015 10:19

maria tbh I don't have this issue with family, as all my family live in the same city anyway! (Except my sister actually, but her house is so tiny I would just assume there'd be no room to stay.)

I don't think it's an issue of formality as such; for the OP it's clearly a matter of space. If you don't have room for an extra 4 people I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to stay in a hotel.

Original poster

Meechimoo · 21/03/2015 10:30

She's still sulking. My other sis said she's 'fuming' apparently and doesn't want to talk to me, which we both find bizarre.Slight overreaction I think.

OP posts:

HermioneWeasley · 21/03/2015 10:35

Sounds like the sulking is a result. You obviously don't enjoy her company so it doesn't matter whether people on MN think YABU or not

Kewcumber · 21/03/2015 10:36

and doesn't want to talk to me Result!

BackCrackAndNappySack · 21/03/2015 10:39

I think this is not about the space but about the fact that you don't like her or her partner very much.

If you were looking forward to spending time with her then a few days of cramped, happy chaos would not be the end of the world.

plinkin · 21/03/2015 10:53

YA so NBU! When my sister lived down in Herefordshire and we went down for a visit which included an overnight stay, I wouldn't have dreamed of imposing on them and would always book into a hotel/travel lodge. We have a small house (2 bedrooms) and will always offer it out if needed but am never offended if ppl choose to stay elsewhere. I've lived/ stayed in cramped conditions before for extended amounts of time and it's not pleasant nor enjoyable. Your sister needs to get over herself and stop seeing you as a free b&b!

NobodyLivesHere · 21/03/2015 10:54

My ex in-laws stayed with us in our two bed house when my children were then 18 and 1 month old. They stayed for 3 nights and by the second I was ready to kill. I swore never again. In contrast I had a friend and her three children stay with me and my three for a week and it was wonderful. It depends on the dynamic. If your relationship is difficult, managing is also going to be more difficult.

StayingSamVimesGirl · 21/03/2015 11:14

YADNBU! It sounds like it would be a really stressful and difficult visit.

Cramming lots of people into a small house can work - there are 5 of us in my family, and we have had friends who also have three children come to stay - luckily we do have a bit more space than the OP, but even so, it has been pretty chaotic. It worked, because we all got on well together - but that isn't the case for you, OP.

When we go to stay with my mum, she does, technically, have enough space to put us all up, but we go to a hotel at night, because she is not in good health, is always in pain, and needs some peace and quiet, and her own space at night. I wouldn't dream of getting the hump with her for wanting and needing this!

gobbin · 21/03/2015 11:32

I like your comment about 'now that you're older' you won't put up with doing things you don't want to do...this is very much like me now.

It's amazing how much shit we put up with when younger because we feel a sense of duty. Actually, you're spot in here:

it's your (full) house and there isn't any room
she's a mardy arse who you feel you ought to out up but you don't have to
her kids wind up your kids (you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family etc)
she reacts badly when you make an emminently sensible suggestion

Like HELL will you put her up/put up with her.

Stay strong, she sounds a right PITA.

lem73 · 21/03/2015 11:43

Agree with Op and gobbin I'm fed up with doing the right thing because of family obligation. It never seemed to work both ways and it was certainly never appreciated. My RL friends think I'm being a bit unreasonable.

SoMuchForSubtlety · 21/03/2015 11:56

PIL are visiting us soon from the other side of the world and they're staying in a b&b because they know that during the week they're here I'll be going to work early every morning and it would just be stressful for all of us if they were around. We'll still see them a lot (and they're mostly here to see DD anyway not me!) but I couldn't handle having them stay in our house, not would they want to. Same goes for my parents.

Different families are different. I would never expect to be automatically welcome to stay at my brother's house. So I think do what makes you comfortable OP, I don't think there's a firm rule that all people must follow in this regard.

hellsbells99 · 21/03/2015 11:56

I love my family visiting & I would always expect them to stay with me. Both DDs have friends stay over a lot and just use air beds in the lounge/bedrooms. At Xmas, the adults got the beds and the DCs got air beds in the bedrooms and lounge.
I also don't issue invitations to family to visit and visa versa, we just check whether it's convenient.

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