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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my sister to sleep in a hotel?

62 replies

Meechimoo · 20/03/2015 15:38

(my sister already gets on my goat a fair bit already, expecting regular childcare for her 3 and 6 yr old from our 80 year old frankly quite exhausted Mum...)
She's recently asked to come and stay with us, they're a family of 4. (And we're a family of 5)
This would mean 9 people in an average sized house. With no spare rooms.
We have two school aged kids and a preschooler.
The eldest kids rooms aren't the tidiest and are chock full of personal stuff like posters, ornaments, diaries etc..I'm loathe to get them to sleep on the sofa for a few days so guests can use their rooms.
We had them to stay a few years ago and it was very cramped, very chaotic and I swore never again. We've never stayed with them because we wouldn't want to bunk down on airbeds in their lounge. Which is what they're suggesting.
Also, our youngest is a very early riser so where the hell would I go with her when she wakes at 6 and they're all snoring on my lounge floor? Their toddler wakes at 8 apparently! Like I said, having done it before and felt like I was in a living hell for 3 days, I really don't want to do it again.
So I replied to my sister's text with a polite message saying that we didn't really have enough room and wouldn't it be better if she stayed in our local travel lodge?

Anyway, now she's got the major hump according to our other sis (who doesn't think I'm being unreasonable) and won't talk to me. She's basically sulking and ignoring my messages.
So, am I being unreasonable?
Be honest!
Should I just suck it up and let the 4 of them crash here with the 5 of us even if there's not enough space and I hate every second?

OP posts:

Bilberrycrumble · 20/03/2015 17:04

It's a person thing. I have camped out at my sister's for a couple of nights and I'm quite sure she didn't mind, apart from her usual antisocialness, but when I go with my DH we always stay in a hotel. His morning perkiness would not fit well with the household. There doesn't need to be a discussion about this!

I'd never stay with my older brother as his house is small and he really likes his space and has unexpected visits from his son.

My other brother DH and I quite happily stayed with and would have taken kids - they have a big house and are quite sociable.

So, horses for courses, some guests work others don't. If you don't want them to stay, you've tried it - you don't need to try it again.

Original poster

Meechimoo · 20/03/2015 17:10

Bilberry, we've had single guests or couples stay overnight. Whole family camping on floor=done a couple of times and hated every second.

OP posts:

Chunkymonkey79 · 20/03/2015 17:32

Only on MN have i seen people feel obliged to accept these situations... Its ridiculous.
Yanbu, send her a list of b&bs !

lauralouise8 · 20/03/2015 17:42

oh good lord OP, it sounds gruesome. Stand your ground, YANBU. If you had spare rooms, I could understand her being in a huff but you don't, with the result that you would be like battery chickens. Christmas used to be like that when I was a child: 7 in a very small house. The best bit was when they all left.

mariamin · 20/03/2015 17:45

This depends on the culture of your family. In my family, telling close relatives to stay in a hotel would be massively insulting. So yes, my sister would be extremely upset if I said this to her.

Original poster

Meechimoo · 20/03/2015 18:02

The culture of our family is to do anything and everything for family. I had to weigh up what was worse: upsetting my sister or enduring a painful few days. Maybe I can be the catalyst for changing family culture

OP posts:

BackforGood · 20/03/2015 18:24

Same here mariam.
ChunkyMonkey - Only on MN have I ever heard of the concept of people coming to visit you, and the family they are traveling to see being so rude as to not then put them up! (Unless the traveling family prefer to spend good money on a hotel)

googoodolly · 20/03/2015 18:33

But not everyone has space! My parents have three spare bedrooms so guests isn't a problem for them, but for DP and I in a tiny one-bed, and no room at all for an air bed or a sofabed, it's not possible to have people stay unless they're willing to sleep on a cramped single sofa.

I think it'd be more rude to expect people to sleep in cramped conditions than it would be to direct them to a B&B.

Original poster

Meechimoo · 20/03/2015 18:49

Lol Back for Good, I'll send 'em round to sleep at yours

OP posts:

mariamin · 20/03/2015 18:53

In my family, you would always offer space in your place. When I lived in a bedsit, I said my mum could sleep there, but I wouldn't be offended if she stayed in a B and B. She stayed in a B and B.
We have had lots of family members staying, on air beds and sleeping on sofas. Not ideal, but we manage.

spidey66 · 20/03/2015 19:05

We visited the inlaws a couple of years back, in Ireland (we're in London.) The reason for the visit was because my bil and his family was over. Also there was my sil and her two kids and my other bil and his partner. No way was the house big enough. There was a b&b opposite, which we stayed in. My inlaws were worried about my 2nd bil staying there with his partner as it's small town Ireland and they were understandably worried about homophobia. With the others they'd have had to shell out for extra rooms with the kids. We were fine with us, and actually it gave us a good break from the family!

You are so not being unreasonable, it sounds like a logistical nightmare.

spidey66 · 20/03/2015 19:07

PS the first bil I mentioned was over from the States, that's why we went over to see him.

Littlef00t · 20/03/2015 19:22

If you don't want them to come you're not obligated! Yes lots of families would put themselves out and I have fond memories of 10 squeezing in together for a week, but we got on and it cemented the good relationship we had.

It's only going to make your relationship worse as the kids will bother each other, you'll resent your sister etc. do you live somewhere lovely and they are using you like a free b&b or could you not just see them in your hometown like you say you do a fair bit?

Beautifulbabyboy · 20/03/2015 21:16

Strange! My sis is coming to stay with me I. The hols with her 2 DC, and we have had a good laugh about what a squash and a squeeze it is going to be and who is going to end up on the sofa.... I can't wait for 4 nights of chatting and laughing and drinking lots of wine and the kids running amok and general mayhem. It's going to be tiring but ace.

BackforGood · 20/03/2015 21:48

I just think that if someone is coming to stay with you then it's you they want to spend the time with. Obviously once people get elderly or if they have a bad back or something and would struggle curled up on the sofa or on the floor, then they could choose to spend the time in a hotel / B&B, but when people have already said they are happy to bunk down where there's a few spare feet of space, then it's rude to say they have to go to a hotel. They aren't tourists coming to visit the area, they are family wanting to spend time with you.

Original poster

Meechimoo · 20/03/2015 22:16

Yeah but she invited herself, I didn't even offer! Anyways, thanks for the honest comments. My overriding feeling is of relief rather than guilt. I think it would.be easier if she wasn't bringing her other half or if the kids were closer in age and actually got on too!

OP posts:

coconutpie · 20/03/2015 23:00

YANBU. You don't have the space and she's very cheeky to have just invited herself and her family.

Chunkymonkey79 · 21/03/2015 09:19

I just don't understand why, if there are no spare rooms or proper beds, anybody would choose to cram a silly amount of people in to a house for days/weeks! In my experience it results in people getting on each others nerves because there isn't enough space.

I think if there is a hotel or bnb nearby, it would be more comfortable for guests to stay there. That way everybody can get out of bed whenever they like, get showered/dressed in their own space and time, then get together for breakfast and spend the day together! Also being able to go to bed when you want without perhaps having to wait for the lounge to be cleared to get on the sofa, or hanging around the following morning waiting to use the lounge when people are sleeping all over the floor and sofa in there!

I understand that this is normal in some cultures though.

If there are plenty of spare rooms and beds then i would be happy with having people stay/stay with people.

avocadotoast · 21/03/2015 09:26

YADNBU. I'd never assume I could stay at someone's house, let alone with all my family in tow!

Marynary · 21/03/2015 09:29

I presume that it would be quite expensive to stay in a hotel if there are six of them (two family rooms?) so I would feel a bit mean telling them to stay in a hotel. I can see that it will probably be inbearably cramped in your house though. Depending on the age of her children, perhaps suggest that the older two children stay with you and she and her DH stay in a hotel with the youngest?

nooyearnooname · 21/03/2015 09:43

I find it really rude when people invite themselves to stay, especially when it's obvious it would cause inconvenience because of the number of people / size of house. We had it recently with some of DP's family and it basically meant we both got a terrible night's sleep and because of someone sleeping on the sofa couldn't even make a cuppa or switch the lights on in the early hours when we were wide awake, luckily it was just one night! We both swore that next time we'd ask them to stay in a B&B. We did mention space being a problem before the visit and got 'oh don't worry, we don't mind bunking down wherever'. We did mind though, we knew it would be awkward and cramped!

It sounds like it would be a bloody nightmare OP, stick to your guns and enjoy the silence while she's huffing!

mariamin · 21/03/2015 09:43

avocadotoast - I wouldn't for friends, but family?? And I am taken aback that anyone thinks you need an invitation to visit family. In our family we check it is convenient to go and visit family and stay with them, but we don't need to be formally invited to stay.
So I would expect family to ring and say they wanted to come and visit me and stay - so ringing me and asking if the first weekend in April is okay? Also lots of people don't have guest rooms, they still put people up.
Of course it is your family, so it is up to you, but I am glad my family is not so formal.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 21/03/2015 09:48

I think it's good you've been honest, take no notice of hissy fit! I have early rising kids too (5am today FFS!) and would want guests in the lounge/diner for that reason. Stick to your guns or if you feel generous and can afford it offer to pay half of Travelodge

AlwaysDancing1234 · 21/03/2015 09:51

*i meant WOULDNT want guests in lounge/diner

Pooseyfrumpture · 21/03/2015 10:16

My SIL stays in the travel lodge when she comes here. This is because

I've only ever had ONE cup of tea in her house in 14 years - and that was made by my DP.
She sleeps in until 9am, with the aid of ear plugs. Her DC get up at 3am 6am.
Her idea of putting her DC to bed is unplugging all the lamps in the room they are in so they can't see where the door is, and shutting the door. 4. 4. Her DC's idea of going to bed is banging on the walls and door screaming for mummy until everyone else is awake and frazzled.
BIL only eats meat and two veg. Only the right meat and right two veg, cooked in the right way and presented in the right way on the right plate. This "right" might be, or might not be the same way as the previous visit. If asked, he will say "I don't mind" even though all evidence and experience points to the contrary.
She only ever comes when she invites herself. Well, perhaps "invites" is not the best description ... it's more of a "telling".

So the travel inn is a much better alternative despite her being family. Even MIL doesn't have her to stay and she gave birth to her

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