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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DM there!!

49 replies

Missrubyring · 20/03/2015 13:24

I recently discovered I'm pregnant with my 2nd DC after 5 months of ttc, and I know as soon as i tell my DM her response will be along the lines of 'Can i be there at the birth??' or something to that effect.

The thing is I was hoping that this one could be just me and DP as last time i had DP, DM, and DMIL. I know if i say that I just want myself and DP she'll feel quite let down and start the guilt trips (a notorious trait for DM) and try to manipulate me and make me feel bad about not letting her be there, and she wouldn't be happy with just sitting in the cafeteria as she would feel 'left out'.

AIBU for sticking to my guns and not wanting her there?? And if not how do I handle her guilt trips??

OP posts:
0x530x610x750x630x79 · 20/03/2015 13:28

how to handle guilt: walk away, put the phone down, change the subject and talk over her.

OneFootIn1999 · 20/03/2015 13:29

I can sympathise. I think with such people you have to take a deep breath and be clear, firm but kind. Don't tie yourself in knots

'Me and DP have talked about it and we've decided that we want it to be just us at the birth this time'

Then if she says why, there's no further explanation needed other than 'because it's what we want this time'. Followed quickly with a smile and 'I'm so looking forward to you meeting the baby when we are home'.

Easier said than done, I know. But- as you will know if you have a guilt-trippy person in your life- the moment you try to make excuses or fabricate some reason which isn't authentic, there's a chink in your defences and you may find yourself giving in.

Or, to take more wimpy approach (as I would prob do)- could you ask her to look after dc1 while you are having the baby?

6LittleOnes · 20/03/2015 13:29

Couldn't you ask her to look after dc1 while you are in labour. Might help her feel like she is involved without her being at the birth

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 20/03/2015 13:31

who is looking after dc1 during the birth? it's a very important job you know and both grannies will need to be there to spoil dc rotten whilst dc2 makes an appearance....

diddl · 20/03/2015 13:33

You had your mum & MIL there last time???

Good grief!

Was it a spectator sport for them when they were giving birth???

Who will be looking after you PFB?

Will you just be able to tell everyone afterwards?

Of course YANBU.

Just tell her no, that isn't happening.

LittleBairn · 20/03/2015 13:33

YANBU. During my first pregnancy my mum tried to insit she attend the birth because I was planning a HB. I had to be really firm about it, I made no excuses it was no and that was the end of it. Luckily my dad and sister backed me up and told her to stop being pushy.
Do you have anyone that can back you up, that she will listen too?

buildmeabuttercup · 20/03/2015 13:35

Yanbu at all. My mum asked this I said no thanks just want it me and DP and in the end she basically forced her way in with a 'I have to be there'. I was really uncomfortable being examined etc and it really took the shine away from everything tbh.

I so wished I had said no way in the end of instead of allowing it to be forced on me. Good luck x

Original poster
Missrubyring · 20/03/2015 13:46

She might listen to my DBro LittleBairn, but only a to a certain extent.
diddl I was supposed to have just DP and MIL but DM guilt tripped her way in to stay after what was supposed to be a 'quick pop in'
OneFootIn that's exactly what it's like, without the guilt trips she's usually a loving DM and GM, but if you disagree with her or she doesn't get her way then it's a trip down guilt lane.
I think i will ask her to look after DD1, as long as her work doesn't coincide, hadn't thought of that so thanks to everyone that suggested it.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 20/03/2015 13:53

I've always thought the mother was the worst person to have at a birth. I wouldn't have mine there, I knew she would be upset to see me in pain and that would just make me feel awful. Mind you I liked to labour alone and only got guilt tripped into husband being there by a pushy midwife, I was on my own for first one, he came in towards the end for second and I decided then I would rather be alone so no I don't think you are being unreasonable. My DD insists she wants me there if she ever has a baby, I really don't want to but will have to if it upsets her. Maybe me and your mum could do a swap?

When I had a home delivery my mum was in the house looking after first born, midwives were aware that I was intending to get up and leave if they let her in the room.

knittingirl · 20/03/2015 13:58

YADNBU. A firm "no, we're not having anyone else at the birth this time", "because it's what we want", "because it's what we want" and repeat. She can try and guilt you, but if you don't buy into it and feel guilty then it can't work - easier said than done but be confident that you are in the right here, if she wants to come over all hurt then that's her problem, your only issue is making sure you're comfortable when you're at your most vulnerable.

When it comes to the crunch, and you go into labour, I would honestly not tell anyone that you've gone into labour until the baby arrives. If they don't know they can't push their way in. Find a friend to look after dc, and just ring your parents when the baby is here.

diddl · 20/03/2015 14:06

I think that you just have to tell her no.

Don't get others involved.

Why would you feel guilty at only having who you want there whilst you give birth?

If it's too much trouble to ask her to look after PFB, would MIL do it & then your mum can just be informed after the birth.

Didactylos · 20/03/2015 14:11

YANBU.
When she asks, state you are not having anyone other than dh at the birth, and if she questions this or pushes at you, tell her that her presence at the last birth was intrusive and you aren't going to accept that this time.
You handle her guilt trips by knowing you are right in this situation, and that who supports you at the birth should be 100% your choice - and how dare she question that or insinuate otherwise!

ineedabodytransplant · 20/03/2015 14:15

Jeez, when my ex-wife and I had our two girls I would have refused anyone being there. What next? Sell tickets?

It was the same almost when we had two mis-carriages. Personal to us.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 20/03/2015 14:17

It's ok for her to ask. why not? it's what happened last time so it's not unreasonable of her to think you might want the same thing. please don't assume the worst.

It's definitely ok for you to say no. no need to explain, but you'd have to say that it's because that's what you want this time.

Also you should say that you'd prefer her to come and look after PFB (if that's the case!) because that is the help you will need.

fx she will be understanding and willing to help, not interfere.

ouryve · 20/03/2015 14:18

You have who you like at the birth.

If you only want your DP there, that's your right. Tell DM and MIL to stuff off. It's not a spectator sport.

AlternativeTentacles · 20/03/2015 14:18

Don't mention it and when asked say 'no'.

nunkspugget · 20/03/2015 14:23

Ineed.....what if your ex wife had wanted others, its not up to you who gets to be there.

ipswichwitch · 20/03/2015 14:24

You could always tell the MW under no circumstances to let her in if she does turn up. Get it in your notes too, and repeat ad infinitum.

M27J5M · 20/03/2015 14:26

I was expecting my DM to be like that but she was fine, with my DS it was the 1st question she asked this time I said straight away that I just wanted DP and she was fine with that and just said she'll be on stand by if I change my mind or decide I need her!

DakotaFanny · 20/03/2015 14:29

Mother in law as well?!! Are you a saint?

Just say no! You and DH are only going to have this tiny amount of time where it is just the three of you, then you will be going home and becoming a (magical) foursome. Sieze the opportunity to have those few precious hours.

Personally, I cannot imagine anything worse than having anyone else in the room except for me and dh- it's an intense, incredible experience and such a special thing to share with just dh. I would not want that diluting by other people being present.

Be strong chick. Tell her what you want and why you want it.

ImperialBlether · 20/03/2015 14:30

I agree with the others. And what's this about her sitting in the hospital café? No, no, no. She should be sitting at home, ffs. There are plenty of YouTube tutorials on how to knit a blanket for a baby if she needs to keep busy.

BabyDerek · 20/03/2015 14:33

My mum dropped heavy hints about attending the birth - I just laughed as if she meant to joke and said "Are you kidding?! You would drive me mad!". She looked slightly hurt but she got the message. She irritates the life out of me at the best of times, let alone when I'm in agony, in labour. i see no need for anyone but the father to be there, or maybe a close friend if he can't be.
Don't be guilted into giving in - this is YOUR day, and you can't let them make you feel uncomfortable.

ShadowStone · 20/03/2015 14:36

I think I would say that I really needed her to look after DC1.

strawberryshoes · 20/03/2015 14:39

I would lie.

Say yes of course!

Then when you go into labour, tell no one but DP. Announce the birth after its happened, and tell them it was all so fast you just didn't have chance to let them know.

I don't actually advise you do this though, you should set boundaries and stick to them early on - deal with the guilt with honesty - tell her you are sorry she feels left out but its your pregnancy, your labour and your baby, and you don't want ANYONE but DP there. Guilt will not make you change your mind, but might make you wait an extra couple of days before telling her she can meet the new arrival.

ineedabodytransplant · 20/03/2015 14:44

Nunkspugget, there's always one...sigh

I would have had as much right as my wife to say yes or no. Or are you saying that because it was my wife giving birth only she had the say so?

But of course, being normal decent people we would have discussed this and agreed between us. Doesn't mean to say I have to be happy with the choice, no more than she would have to be.