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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DM there!!

49 replies

Missrubyring · 20/03/2015 13:24

I recently discovered I'm pregnant with my 2nd DC after 5 months of ttc, and I know as soon as i tell my DM her response will be along the lines of 'Can i be there at the birth??' or something to that effect.

The thing is I was hoping that this one could be just me and DP as last time i had DP, DM, and DMIL. I know if i say that I just want myself and DP she'll feel quite let down and start the guilt trips (a notorious trait for DM) and try to manipulate me and make me feel bad about not letting her be there, and she wouldn't be happy with just sitting in the cafeteria as she would feel 'left out'.

AIBU for sticking to my guns and not wanting her there?? And if not how do I handle her guilt trips??

OP posts:
dancestomyowntune · 20/03/2015 14:48

I must be unusual, I wanted my mum with me! My mum was at my first four births, and the fifth, six weeks ago, she was waiting on the ward while I had an emergency c section ( only allowed 1 person with me in theatre).

She was brilliant when my fourth was in distress at getting the midwives to take notice and reassuring me. She was so proud when each of them were placed on my tummy and she kept dh company while I slept. We are very close though and was adamant that dh should accompany me for c section ( even though I was wavering about wanting her with me, she's calmer than him!).

MagentaMouflon · 20/03/2015 14:55

ineedabodytransplant of COURSE the decision should go to the person who is giving birth. It's a massively traumatic and personal thing happening to your body.

If you were having penis surgery (I know it's not the same thing, but probably the closest you could get) I think you would feel that you, as the person going through it, should have final say about how many and which rellies you would like to have lining up to watch. And I think you'd feel a bit upset if your wife claimed she had just as much say as you.

knittingirl · 20/03/2015 14:57

ineed to be honest I would say that your wife has a bigger say than you. She's the one in pain, in a vulnerable position, half/fully naked, possibly undergoing medical procedures, and she should be able to decide what environment and with who she will be most comfortable being in that situation. Of course it should be something discussed between the two of you, but ultimately yes, it's the choice of the person giving birth.

AlternativeTentacles · 20/03/2015 15:04

Or are you saying that because it was my wife giving birth only she had the say so?

Yes.

MavisG · 20/03/2015 15:05

A labouring woman needs to feel as comfortable and confident as possible, and should be able to choose who to have with her. Fathers don't have a 'right' to be in the room, though of course often the woman wants him, never mind a right to decide who else is there.

diddl · 20/03/2015 15:08

"Then when you go into labour, tell no one but DP."

Difficult when they'll need someone to look after PFB.

Trickydecision · 20/03/2015 15:11

The very notion of wanting anyone other than a DP there is very strange to me, unless you are a single mum.

DS1, hospital birth, DM came to stay for a day or two after our return home, PILs similarly.

DS2, home birth, DM staying to give a hand, it was over Christmas so she would probably have been with us anyway. She stayed in her room looking after DS1 while it all happened in the early morning, no suggestion from any of us that she should be present at the birth, and certainly no way did I expect to be there for DGCs' arrival. Why?

strawberryshoes · 20/03/2015 15:54

True diddl but there are other options for childcare. Maybe there is a friendly neighbour who can pop in, a friend or a sibling who understands the awkward position of not wanting DM or DMIL there and will look after the PFB. For my own second birth, as my mum is dead and my mil is HOURS away, I had to find someone else to look after DD1, so it can be done.

nunkspugget · 20/03/2015 16:23

ineed, you have exactly zero rights over who attends a birth.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 20/03/2015 16:40

Giving birth is frightening, painful and makes you feel incredibly vulnerable so yes, only the person going through that should decide.

CactusAnnie · 20/03/2015 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 20/03/2015 16:59

Snowman

100% damn right.
(given everything goes well)

LittleBairn · 20/03/2015 17:20

This thread reminded of my mums horror recalling when her dad was really keen to be at my birth. His reason was he wasn't allowed to watch any of his children's births so he would have loved to have seen his grandchilds.

rumbleinthrjungle · 20/03/2015 17:28

"are you saying that because it was my wife giving birth only she had the say so?"

Yes. Any couple with a good relationship can do this by discussion and that works fine, but bottom line if your wife decided she did not want even you in the room the midwives would enforce it as absolutely her right whether or not you agreed. It's your child; its her body, her labour, her going through the extremely vulnerable, undignified, painful and scary business birth can be. You get to stay fully dressed and able to walk out of the room any time you want to, she doesn't. Of course it's her say so. Why would a loving partner want to enforce having someone present that their wife didn't want, stressing her (and baby) when at the same time they expected her to successfully get on with giving birth?

OP my DM excels at guilting, I've had to learn that the only way out is to remind myself that her feelings are just that - her feelings. And her making it clear she's upset/sad/disappointed doesn't mean she's right, or that I'm doing something wrong, or that I have to fix it. Sometimes it just means she isn't going to get her way this time, and it's ok to say clearly nope, I'm going to be doing this.

Not having both DMs at the birth is definitely not unreasonable - my hat is off that you've already done it once! Grin

ImperialBlether · 20/03/2015 17:40

CactusAnnie, yes, I remember a man in the NCT class I went to saying, "We're not having pain relief."

GoooRooo · 20/03/2015 18:00

My mum turned up at the hospital when I was in labour. She had never mentioned wanting to be there before that or I would have told her no. I sent her home saying I would love her to come and be the first to visit the baby. She didn't come for a week, her nose was pushed so far out of joint.

I am pregnant again and have asked her yo look after DS this time to prevent it happening again.

Definitely sort thus out before you go into labour!

Original poster
Missrubyring · 21/03/2015 13:02

Thanks for the tips and stories everyone, it helps to hear from others with similar experiences and how they learnt to cope with it. I hope to update you all with what happens, and if it's bad maybe ask for your advice again. X

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 21/03/2015 13:13

OP, is it possible your mum felt left out because you had your mil the last time? I can understand that tbh. Family dynamic has a lot to do with it of course, but I could see entirely why she may be upset. I'm sure you realise this.

Asking her to look after your dc while you're in hospital this time would be the way to go to spare hurt feelings.

cleanmyhouse · 21/03/2015 13:19

my step dad worked at the hospital i was in and turned up in the labour room when he got the phonecall to say i'd had the baby. they fucking let him in. i was under a blanket, naked, covered in blood. it was hideous. we'd specified we wanted no-one to meet the baby before our other son.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 21/03/2015 13:25

God YANBU. It wouldn't even cross my mind to have anyone other than DH at the birth. It's not a spectator sport.

YellowTulips · 21/03/2015 13:39

I love my DM and MIL is lovely.

However there is no way I'd have even considered them being there for the birth of my son.

As the post above - it's not a spectator sport.

It is a bit more difficult as you let them attend last time (why???) but you just have to say no and stick to your guns.

Original poster
Missrubyring · 21/03/2015 14:39

YellowTulips i have a hard time standing up for myself at the best of times, after labour and no sleep for almost 2 days I had no hope.
And TidyDancer, she was there eventually but i didn't pick her as my 2nd birth partner because she stopped talking to me when i fell pregnant, kicked me out the house (i will clarify i was 21, me DP both had FT work and was saving for our own place) and didnt speak me throughout the pregnancy until a few weeks before i was due.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 21/03/2015 14:49

Ok well you need to get your OH to back you up as well.

You don't have to get into a confrontation - just say I don't want anyone other than DH with me this time. You don't have to justify why.

Then make sure you tell the midwife only to admit your DH into the room.

auntpetunia · 21/03/2015 16:45

If you don't need her for child minding older children then tell her a date a few weeks after as your due on and then don't call when you go into labour which can take days

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