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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This is an absolute disgrace.

77 replies

TwinkieTwinkle · 20/03/2015 13:07

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/11485027/Lecturer-wins-40k-damages-after-wife-deceives-him-into-thinking-child-is-his.html

Has IVF with an ex boyfriend and doesn't tell husband he isn't that father. He has been awarded £40 000 back, only half the money he paid towards the child. Absolutely disgraceful!

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KitZacJak · 20/03/2015 14:38

The whole things sounds a bit strange to me! However, once you have built a relationship with a child I think you should honour it whether you are the biological father or not. She is in the wrong though.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/03/2015 14:39

On the news earlier this week it was stated that the IVF clinic (which is in Spain) believed that the woman brought the same man with her both times. I assume this means she told them he was the same man.

ImperialBlether · 20/03/2015 14:40

I don't understand. The man seemed to know she needed IVF. He knew his own sample had failed. He knew she went to Spain with her ex-boyfriend, to visit the clinic. He signed something to say he wouldn't be financially responsible. She came back pregnant.

I don't understand how he could have thought he was the father and why he didn't leave her immediately.

Number3cometome · 20/03/2015 14:45

ImperialBlether

No, the man refused to go back to the clinic after she was annoyed about being asked to sign a form over finances.

She then took the ex boyfriend as in her words "He didn't want to go back [to the Spanish clinic]," she said. "The only reason I took [my ex-boyfriend] was because my ex-husband gave me that document to sign"

kickassangel · 20/03/2015 14:46

Number3 - when we went, we had to sign declarations about being in a monogamous relationship, have blood tests for STIs and HIV+, our identity was checked EVERY time - I mean each doctor/nurse would ask for our ID (we had a code number) and there were files with our pictures on, so as we arrived, we gave our number, our pictures flashed up on the screen, and then we were checked in. Then each time I had a blood test, they checked my number, each time we went into an office for a talk, they checked our number etc. Before we started first treatment they checked with our gp to make sure we weren't lying about medical history. I couldn't have just walked in there and said that I split up with my husband, here's my new man, now make me pregnant, they would have written to DH to confirm this etc.

It is obviously utterly unacceptable to lie about the parentage of a child - to anyone, but the whole case sounds really odd anyway. From how on earth it actually happened, to the man who thought he was father asking for his money back, none of this sounds like people who are rational and thoughtful about life decisions. (Although it could all be lies & exaggeration from the papers)

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/03/2015 14:47

She says he knew she took her ex with her on the second visit. Presumably the judge didn't accept that this was true. The husband presumably thought the second attempt at IVF was made using frozen sperm from the first visit. All very odd indeed.

Phephenson · 20/03/2015 14:49

Jesus wept, that woman has made me drop the C-bomb out loud at my desk. Bloody appalling! Poor little boy Sad

Samcro · 20/03/2015 14:49

poor man and poor child

Number3cometome · 20/03/2015 14:50

kickassangel this is true, until the official court notes come out, it could be media hype on the details.

seriouslypeedoff · 20/03/2015 15:13

According to the story, she only took the ex after he made her sign the agreement. Not before. He didn't get the agreement, because she used someone elses sperm.

I suspect, he decided he did not want a baby, she still wanted one. He agreed to use of his sperm on account that he wouldn't be responsible for the child. However he not took responsibility for the child, he paid a huge sum of money to the mother. Even though he could have disputed this. Then when SHE decided, she no longer wanted her son to have contact. She used the 'he isn't yours' card, to stop contact.

Until further details come out, that's the story we have. I fail to see how the man can be blamed, with the details given so far. He wasn't going to see that child again, regardless of whether he let her keep the money or not.

As for the clinic, lots of clinics abroad have been found to be lacking in their checks. Since the mother has been so devious, I am willing to bet she passed off the ex as her husband.

TwinkieTwinkle · 20/03/2015 15:43

It's a massive mess for everyone involved.

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Thymeout · 20/03/2015 15:43

On the radio, the father described his excitement when they knew they were pregnant, the scan photos, the birth. Then they split up. He paid maintenance. His ex-wife made difficulties about contact. In a row, she informed him he wasn't the boy's biological father.

He has no legal right, nor have any of his family, to maintain contact with the boy, much as they want to. He is hoping that, at 18, the boy will try to contact him.

I'd think he deserves damages for emotional distress. Perhaps that's not possible?

Do people still think she should be able to keep the money she conned him out of?

TwinkieTwinkle · 20/03/2015 15:46

Thymeout. Brilliantly put.

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Bakeoffcake · 20/03/2015 15:53

I heard that interview too Thymeout and if iirc it was when the little boy was 6 that she told the truth. The father then had no rights to see the child, as he wasn't the parent.Angry

Im glad he took her to court. You cannot get away with doing something like that.

UncleT · 20/03/2015 16:02

Point of order - the man won money back from the mother - not the child. The money spent on the child's upbringing remains spent on that, and what happens from here on in relationship terms is between them.

Astonishing that for some have decided that somehow the guy is to blame for someone tricking him into basing his life on a hideous deception.

loveareadingthanks · 20/03/2015 16:21

This is a peculiar case all round, but I think it's an important principle to tie maintenance payments to biological fatherhood, not 'acted as father' role.

Otherwise every man who fathers a child but has no interest in raising it will say they don't have to pay maintenance. Or who walks out on a child later in life will say they are no longer the father figure so won't be paying maintenance. You can't have it both ways round. If you want to be able to hold biological fathers to their financial responsibilities (as we should) we cannot also say it ties in to playing the father role or not. The two things are rightly kept separate.

A moral/ethical requirement to keep maintaining a child you have helped raise is perhaps there in some cases. Trying to make this law, is very difficult. What if a child has a bio father and a role-father. Do they both then pay maintenance?

I had a step mother role to two boys till a couple of years ago. Should I be paying maintenance for them now I have no relationship with their father, no contact with them now, and they have a mother and father already? This isn't all that dissimilar to what is being proposed by some on here.

My DPs son has a child with a young woman who already had a child. They have split up. He is the older child's father figure and continues access with both of them, and treats them the same, buys them the same. However...he pays maintenance for his child, and the bio father pays maintenance for the older one. Should the bio father be allowed to stop this and have it become just DPs son's responsibility? Should bio fathers be allowed to shirk all responsibility?

If you remove the tie between biology and maintenance, it becomes a minefield.

I'm sure the father in this case loves the child just as much as ever. But the maintenance was always the bio father's responsibility and he and the wife conned the father.

dollius · 20/03/2015 17:30

It's not about whether he should have to pay maintenance, of course he shouldn't.

This is about a man who, on discovering his son was not biologically his, stamped his feet and said " I want my money back!" I have a big problem with that attitude.

And trying to get his wife to sign an agreement saying he would not be financially responsible for any children they might have? What kind of man does that?

Of course the woman behaved despicably, but going to court to get back money? It's as if he sees the child as faulty goods and has complained to trading standards.

Poor child, is all.

TwinkieTwinkle · 20/03/2015 17:42

*It's not about whether he should have to pay maintenance, of course he shouldn't.

This is about a man who, on discovering his son was not biologically his, stamped his feet and said " I want my money back!" I have a big problem with that attitude.*

So your saying he shouldn't pay maintenance? But shouldn't get the money back for maintenance he has paid but should have been?

As for stamping his feet. His wife used him to pay 80K for her child's care, then whipped the child away and won't allow him to see him. I'd be fighting to get my money back! Why on earth should he not get it back? The child is not his, he hasn't walked away from child, she has stopped him seeing the son and he has no legal rights.

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TwinkieTwinkle · 20/03/2015 17:53

Incidentally, the guy was willing to settle for £12,500. Perhaps he just wanted to get back the money he paid towards IVF, which is wife subsequently used to impregnate herself with another man's child.

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seriouslypeedoff · 20/03/2015 18:09

Dollius that's not what happened. She let him be involved, she let a relationship with the child grow, she let him pay. She then decided to change her mind and played the You have no right to see him as you are not his father'. He didn't stamp his feet because it wasn't his son. He took the action because she stopped him seeing the child.

Beside which, why was she not claiming for the actual father, if biology was so important to her.

TwinkieTwinkle · 20/03/2015 19:31

I'm starting to think some people are deliberately not acknowledging a lot of the details of this story.

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seriouslypeedoff · 20/03/2015 19:37

Twinkie probably. Some people just can't see past gender when placing blame. Its doesn't matter that she lied to her husband and child, let them create a bond, commit fraud, then break the bond and reveal the father has no rights at all. But hey, lets let her keep 80k and take a child away from his father. Apparently not a big deal.

TwinkieTwinkle · 20/03/2015 19:44

seriouslypeedoff that is exactly it. The man is the big bag wolf. Forget what the reason is for his behaviour you don't agree with. That part of it is totally redundant! Hmm

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MidniteScribbler · 21/03/2015 00:36

So where is the exboyfriend in all of this. How about some outrage for a man who deliberately impregnated a woman and has avoided all responsibility for maintenance or acting as a father figure in this child's life?

TwinkieTwinkle · 21/03/2015 08:05

The wife clearly hasn't gone after him for maintenance, which makes it all the worse. Sounds like a sperm donor situation, made horribly wrong by the wife's lies.

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