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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Opinions please?

64 replies

Pinot4me · 20/03/2015 12:57

I have a friend. She's lovely. Works full time, married, doesn't appear short of money. Here's the issue: without fail, every time she comes to my home she asks me for something. Last night, as she was leaving she asked if I had any crisps for her child's lunchbox, the time before it was shampoo, the time before that it was plasters. The list goes on. They're all petty things but I'm embarrassed to say no. I find it a really odd thing to deal with....AIBU? should I just ignore it and carry on 'sharing' my stuff? In all other areas she's a good friend!

OP posts:

Fatmomma99 · 25/05/2015 23:46

Well done for practising your "no's" Pinot. And I'm glad for you that you've had support from pps.

And you're not in any way boring about this thread... It's strangely compelling. I keep coming back to find out what she's done next.

You could be right about the large family thing.

The other thing I wondered (which someone else [didn't clock name, sorry!] suggested is) maybe she looks up to you as someone to aspire to. So, she sees you putting sun cream on and maybe thinks "shit! She'll think I'm a terrible parent if I don't put sun cream on my children. Bugger! Didn't bring any.. will ask to borrow"

This is a shaming story, (and hope it doesn't 'out' me. Believe they aren't mumsnetters, and hope that is the case!) and I'm not proud, but I stalked someone once. Not for my benefit, but my (v young at the time) dd really fell for a girl in her class. Only trouble was that this child was tight with another girl, their older sisters were BFFs and the mum's were close. And my dd would come home sobbing "I want potential friend to be my bff and (so ashamed) I told her to cultivate both. I made sure I always stood near them in the playground. I was always BRIGHT and PERKY and I agreed with EVERYfuckingTHING they said and did lots of "me too's" and I have never, ever said ANYTHING to other child's mother to upset her. I.E. She wants to cancel a plan at short notice because her DC is tired? "Fine! Hope she gets some rest and feels better". [quickly takes child aside, tells her not be show any upset and says I'll explain later] And my happy-ever-after is that ALL the kids are good friends, and all us mums are mates. And I have confessed I stalked her family (although, not the extent and detail, because I'm sure it would freak her out!)

But maybe she just ADORES you?????

rootypig · 25/05/2015 23:51

Sounds slightly pathological. I don't think it's about the money, but the gesture of borrowing obviously has some meaning for her. I highly doubt that she's aware of doing it.

VanitasVanitatum · 25/05/2015 23:55

She sounds disorganised. She's not grabby or a scrounger, she pays her way with bills etc so it's clearly not about money.

Marcipex · 26/05/2015 00:05

Say no.
I had a friend who did this a lot. She lived next door to her parents and helped herself from their house. If they hadn't got something she wanted she came to me.
Loo rolls, tin foil, shampoo. It was endless. She was just really disorganised , not poor. She worked in a hairdressers, why take my shampoo?
She was cool for a while when I refused her, but she got over it.

Fatmomma99 · 26/05/2015 00:42

One last thought...

By asking to borrow YOUR phone, but not anyone elses, is she demonstrating to the other friends the closeness she shares with you but doesn't have with them.

I'm only saying this because I remember one time (about 20 million years ago) I met a friend with 2 other of his friends. We were only ever platonic, but I had a nickname for him, and they also had a nickname for him, but it was different to mine (he and I were school friends and they were his friends from Uni). And I remember this night because we ALL used his nickname a LOT and it was like we were chimpanzees showing how close we were to alpha male. I don't think any of it was conscious, but we all 3 did it. It was a bit odd, really, but the unspoken conversation was "I'm close to X, look at my pet name for him" "no, I'M close to X look at MY pet name" "no, look, see how close we are, I'll use that pet name again" "no..." etc.
I was the only girl (at the time) round the table, so there really wasn't a sexual context to it. But I think we were all battling to demonstrate our connection to the person (who prob got a massive ego boost from the evening).

Maybe it's like that?

HappenstanceMarmite · 26/05/2015 01:05

Have to admit that the buying lunch/coffee thing has thrown me.

MrsSheRa · 26/05/2015 01:11

I can't work her out Pinot.

Original poster

Pinot4me · 26/05/2015 06:18

Thanks for all your responses (and for sharing your very personal story fatmomma) ...much appreciated. You've all given me food for thought and maybe I need to think this through before I say anything and risk, hurting her feelings, and upsetting her..(I'd hate to do that)...it really isn't money related and as nannyjuice suggests maybe it's because I've noticed it, I'm overthinking it (almost waiting for it now if I'm honest).
I'm very independent and never really ask her (or anyone) for anything. Whereas I have supported her (and others) through lots of stuff over the years. I'm seen as one of those 'turn to if you're in trouble' people, so, maybe it's an attention /closeness thing.
Hmmmm not sure what to do now, I'll mull it over for a few days and see what pops up....
Thanks again to everyone for your help!

OP posts:

saoirse31 · 26/05/2015 07:57

I'd never discount the idea that money could be an issue. I'm sure plenty on here have lived with perhaps good incomes but v v little cash due to mortgages, bills etc.

Other than that I think it's v odd but then maybe it's something dating from her childhood...?

You sound a lovely friend though!

PeppermintCrayon · 26/05/2015 09:12

OP have you tried doing the same to her to see how she reacts?

Original poster

Pinot4me · 30/05/2015 07:58

Update: ive read back over all your comments before typing this. I've started to see things very differently now. This is not just a case of my friend borrowing things or asking me for things. I was so busy thinking about how strange that behaviour was that I completely missed the bigger picture. As some of you suggested, I think she just wants to be close to me (feels weird saying that) and, I don't mean in any other way than 'best friends'. I've thought a lot about her behaviour (putting aside asking me for stuff). She invites me out a lot, wants to meet for coffee, do I want to do this or that with her? etc, etc.

I guess, I have quite a busy life, a large family and several different circles of friends. I also enjoy spending time with O/H and we do stuff together a lot. So, a lot of what I do doesn't include her whereas, almost everything she does she invites me to. Ive realised that most of the stuff I do with her she initiates. This makes me feel guilty. I've decided not to say anything to her about the' 'constant requests' as it all seems really petty now. She's a lovely person and I value her friendship so I'm going to make an extra special effort to initiate contact and make her feel special, so that if she is feeling insecure about her friendship, hopefully this will help. Think I'll suggest a spa day or similar.

Anyway, thanks for all the replies/suggestions - for those that are interested, I just wanted to pop back and update.

OP posts:

AyMamita · 30/05/2015 09:41

I love an update.

She sounds like a pain though. I like to confrint bad behaviour so I would be saying something like "oh HI Sally Scrounger, do you want the shirt off my back as well?" after the second or third request! One of my pet hates is when children act like this so I would be very at an adult doing it. Being one of five siblings explains the behaviour, but doesn't excuse it.

Original poster

Pinot4me · 30/05/2015 09:46

Lol AyMamita love 'Sally Scrounger' !!!! it does feel a bit like that but, because of the length of our friendship etc I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and go in 'softly' (at first) lol - I won't put up with it forever though as its weird behaviour.

OP posts:

Purplepixiedust · 30/05/2015 11:08

I would say yes to the things you don't mind about - hand cream, sun cream, sweeteners, perfume - I wouldprobably offer these to a friend if applying/using in their presence.

Then say no to the things you think are really odd like crisps and shampoo and say no sorry but the shop should still be open.

I think the spa day sounds a lovely idea.

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