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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Opinions please?

64 replies

Pinot4me · 20/03/2015 12:57

I have a friend. She's lovely. Works full time, married, doesn't appear short of money. Here's the issue: without fail, every time she comes to my home she asks me for something. Last night, as she was leaving she asked if I had any crisps for her child's lunchbox, the time before it was shampoo, the time before that it was plasters. The list goes on. They're all petty things but I'm embarrassed to say no. I find it a really odd thing to deal with....AIBU? should I just ignore it and carry on 'sharing' my stuff? In all other areas she's a good friend!

OP posts:
MrsNextDoor · 24/05/2015 14:55

I wonder if it's a long time habit or a compulsion. Did she have a hard childhood? Poor?

Gabilan · 24/05/2015 14:57

Thing is, whilst wine may be worth more than crisps/ shampoo/ mascara, if you've opted to buy the crisps etc. not the wine, it's irrelevant. You can't just say to someone "oh those are nice fairy lights, swap them for this car battery?" Well you could say it, but expect Hmm

I think she might have a bit of a problem. I also think, as Mavis says, it's probably better to ask her. It is affecting your friendship and yes, you run a bit of a risk but if she's a good friend she won't mind a friendly question.

HappenstanceMarmite · 24/05/2015 22:46

The only "problem" she has is that her free grocery store has caught on to her.

crustsaway · 24/05/2015 22:49

I'd ask her why? if she's a friend why cant you?

Zzzsnatcher · 24/05/2015 22:59

Just ask her why casually. And say do you know you do this

Original poster
Pinot4me · 25/05/2015 09:35

Thanks for all your replies (sorry, I took so long to come back)... I really can't work her out but enough is enough! I'm armed & ready next time she asks for something! Lol
I'll be seeing her later today so I'll let you know how it goes..

Thanks again

OP posts:
HappenstanceMarmite · 25/05/2015 14:26

Go for it Pinot!

You could just reply to any request with "no I haven't got x,y,z. In fact I was going to ask if YOU had any going spare?" Grin

Iwasbornin1993 · 25/05/2015 15:35

I agree with Happen - I'd start asking her for things whenever you see her!

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 25/05/2015 15:39

Oh good, let us know how it goes!

Original poster
Pinot4me · 25/05/2015 17:29

So, 3 of us met today for coffee. The coffee came. I get my sweeteners out she asks me for some! I feel tight and mean but I say, I'm really sorry I've only got a couple left and I'll need them for later (blatant lie) I then ask the waitress if they have any (which, of course, they do and she brings some) The coffee comes with little wrapped biscuits on the saucers ( I don't eat mine) she asks if she can have it - I hand it over. An hour or so later and another coffee (same thing with the biscuits!!) She then asks me if I have any hand cream - I do but I say, no sorry, but I'm sure there will be some in the loo...(she didn't go). No wifi in the coffee shop and she wants to go online (not sure why) - can she borrow my phone as hers is out of credit /data... (I'm on contract but she doesn't know that). I'm really being tested here but, I say, no sorry, I've hardly got any battery left... (I felt like a right tight arse!). My other friend didn't seem to notice but even she looked at me funny when I said no to the phone !
The bill comes, we all get our purses out and 'scrounger friend' grabs it and says, this is on me and paid it!! I felt bloody awful (and petty) at that point!

Well, I've made a start anyway, the next time I'm on my own with her, I'm going to bring it up...she isn't short of money at all...I'm just finding it all really grabby! She even asked me for some sun cream a few weeks ago (pub garden) after she'd seen me putting some on my shoulders!!
Thanks for reading - hope I haven't bored you too much! Lol

OP posts:
DampAndRotten · 25/05/2015 17:45

Do you think that part of it might be that she just has different boundaries regarding personal possessions than you do?

I'll admit the crisps thing sounded weird, and I'd be annoyed if someone wanted to use up my data allowance (unless it was totally necessary) but personally I'd have no problem sharing hand cream or sun cream or sweeteners..

OurGlass · 25/05/2015 17:48

Weird

sideshowbob2 · 25/05/2015 17:49

i have a friend who's always asking for money or food or something!!
but she always has money for cigarettes, more take-aways in a week than i can afford and energy drinks!!
it used to be can i have a biscuit or a bag of crisps as my blood sugar is low!! but she had just walked in with an energy drink as usual!!
so i started to hide any treats or nice things as if she saw them in the cupboard she's always ask for them!!
does my head in!!
same as asking me for money because her benefit is due tomorrow!!
i used to say no as i don't carry cash and i'd take her to the shop and usually she's just buy junk food not real food at all, which is another reason she's always hungry as she doesn't eat real food!!
one time went to ikea and i made sure we had all had something to eat for lunch, she spent the entire time in the cafe and must have spent over a tenner in there, as she needed a coffee and was hungry despite eating just half hour before!!

Original poster
Pinot4me · 25/05/2015 17:52

That's the thing - I don't have a problem sharing those things normally but it's every time! I'd made up my mind today that I wasn't going to give her anything she asked for so was digging my heels in! You know what it's like when you notice something - I'm now on edge around her waiting for her next request...
It's a good point about different boundaries but I don't see her asking other people for stuff...she comes from a large family - 5 siblings so maybe she has a 'grab it quick' mentality - who knows...
As I say, I'm going to bring it up with her the next time we're on our own as it's getting daft and it's making me feel petty...

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinot4me · 25/05/2015 17:56

Wow sideshow - that's worse than my story! I totally know how you feel!
I always have a bowl of sweets on the side in the hall (mints usually) when she was here last, as she was leaving, she asked if she could have one. I said, yeah of course, help yourself....which she did, to several, which she "put in her bag for later" wtf! Who does that!!!

OP posts:
Andylion · 25/05/2015 18:12

OP did she ask the other friend who was with you for anything? It does sound strange.

Original poster
Pinot4me · 25/05/2015 18:17

No, nothing. Even when I said no to the phone she didn't ask our other friend...it's weird! I wonder whether she almost thinks of me as a sister (I've known her years) and maybe this is how she behaves with them....I don't know. In every other way, she's lovely but there is literally never a time when we're together that she doesn't ask me for something(s)

OP posts:
holdonaminute · 25/05/2015 18:29

Pinot - I'm just wondering, has she always been like this throughout your friendship?

just that I met a lady like this through a meet up group - she was very funny, good company, very generous with money on nights out BUT from very early on she was contacting me several times a week asking for favours - examples: buying tickets for meet up events ( always paid back so money wasn't an issue) borrowing household stuff like iron cos hers was broken, wanting me to look up information online for her ( she was fully tech'd up) and on and on and on.

The problem was that none of the things in isolation were unreasonable so I didn't feel like I could say anything. Also I'm the sort of person who just gets on with stuff and doesn't ask loads of favours when I'm perfectly capable of doing the thing myself so it's not like I wanted favours back.

Eventually I got really fed up of the seemingly constant demands. I started to say No and she was quite put out - her response was " but we are such great friends and you know I would do the same for you" - er yes but you're not doing anything for me are you?!!! And I don't really want you to either.

I decided it was either that she desperately wanted to think that she had someone who would do anything for her or less charitably maybe she was just controlling. She did tell me I'd let her down wtf ?!!!

It caused me a lot of angst at the time. Needles to say we don't have any contact now although we are polite if we bump into each other??

Original poster
Pinot4me · 25/05/2015 18:36

Holdonaminute - I've known her for 15 years, I count her as one of my closest friends...she's always asked for the odd thing here and there but no to the extent she does now - it's relentless! Like you, because it's lots of little things I don't fell that I've been able to say anything. I'm either going to have to say something or it's going to affect our friendship. I'm not sure she realises any things wrong.
Thanks for sharing your story - it made me feel a little less petty and mad!

OP posts:
holdonaminute · 25/05/2015 18:53

Thanks Pinot - no you're not petty or mad - like you I'm also more than happy to help out a friend but there are limits!

I think the fact that you've known her a long time and the behaviour has escalated indicates a difficulty she is having maybe?

It's good that you feel able to speak to her as these things can build up and destroy a friendship. Good luck!

Original poster
Pinot4me · 25/05/2015 19:03

Thank you - I'm definitely going tackle it (her)...

OP posts:
sideshowbob2 · 25/05/2015 22:34

yes i find it highly annoying the last 2 requests were should we go away for a few days in july or august and can i use your printer as mine's run out of ink!!
conveniently mine had run of ink too!!
sometimes i feel she only contacts me when she wants something!!

murmuration · 25/05/2015 22:41

That sounds decidedly odd. Do talk to her. I wonder if she doing something, perhaps unconsciously, like equating if you'll give her something with reassurance that the friendship is still 'strong', especially as you've known her for so long and she's not asking other people...

Fluffcake · 25/05/2015 22:48

Hi Pinot, having read your thread, I wonder if she does it to you as she considers you such a good friend and it's a form of flattery. If you are putting sunscreen on, then it must be a good idea, if you are using sweeteners it must be a good idea. She may well be desperate for you to ask a favour of her so that she can help you. Hence paying for coffee etc.
Not sure if I've explained myself very well but I hope you get my meaning. That said, if it is bugging you, I think you need to raise it but not sure how it will affect your relationship.

Nancyjuice7 · 25/05/2015 23:12

Same as fluffcake, possibly she just sees you as a really good friend and if you asked for things she would do it for you? It does seem like small things, and possibly she does it just to verify your friendship? Possibly she has ran out of things to talk about? Or maybe she does it with her sisters and you are just one of them now. Personally, i would just ask her for stuff back and accept thats the way she is, its not worth making her feel small and risking upsetting her over small things. If she pays for bills and brings wine then does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? I think because you've noticed it you cant help but overthink every time she asks?

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