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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really pissed off. DP invited a friend to stay for 3 weeks without running it past me

39 replies

chrome100 · 18/03/2015 18:22

Said friend quit his job last year to do some travelling and now wants to come back for a visit. DP has agreed he can stay with us for the whole time. He will be low maintenance, that's not the issue, but I hate sharing my space and will feel I have to be on "best behaviour" and unable to relax in my own home. A week would be pushing it, but three?!

I really want to put my foot down but don't want to hurt the friend's feelings as he is a nice guy. How can I sort this one out?

OP posts:

NotYouNaanBread · 18/03/2015 18:24

You could just, well, say no. 3 weeks is too long.

Dowser · 18/03/2015 18:28

Put up and shut up.

I mean that nicely. You will have pleased DP . You might have a good time.

You might want to stay at his when he's settled.

It will passin a jiffy.

It's not for life ;-)

3littlefrogs · 18/03/2015 18:28

My DH invited his friend to stay for 2 weeks. It turned into 8 weeks.
I had to tell him to leave in the end.
He was not a considerate house guest AT ALL.

Your DP has to deal with this and tell his friend he can stay for 1 week.

WhingeyMinge · 18/03/2015 18:29

Yanbu, I wouldn't like it if DP asked a friend to stay for 1 night let alone 3 weeks, I couldn't stand not having my space and not being able to relax. I would expect him to ask if I'm ok with it the same as I would ask him if I wanted a friend to stay

Original poster

chrome100 · 18/03/2015 18:29

Dowser - I have considered that. I know it's not for life, but I am dreading it!

OP posts:

Mintyy · 18/03/2015 18:30

Your dh has been an utter arse. How dare he?

clairecasta · 18/03/2015 18:31

I would recommend discussing your point of view with your partner. He may not have realised that you would feel this way, and he may have assumed you would be ok with it. He needs to know that you aren't happy about the arrangement AND that you aren't happy that any arrangement was made without discussing it with you first.

Hopefully your DP will be able to have a chat to the friend and backtrack somewhat on his offer, taking it down to a week, or even a few days at the start and end of his visit?

You or DP could suggestion to this friend that he spends time visiting his other family and friends, and maybe suggest a few cheap hotels he could stay at whilst visiting other people (to enforce the idea that he needs to sleep elsewhere whilst on his visit)

Good Luck!

AnotherGirlsParadise · 18/03/2015 18:31

Oh my god I would've gone fucking SPARE. I'm a complete introvert, I also hate sharing my space/being on best behaviour/being unable to relax, and I would totally kick off over this.

I'm also at your DP for not running this by you! That's massively selfish. Tell him no. A firm, unequivocal NO.

BathtimeFunkster · 18/03/2015 18:32

3 weeks is way too long.

Cut it down to a week.

This kind of thing can really damage friendships.

Say to both him and your DP that you think you'd all drive each other mad over such an extended period and that you'd love to have him for a shorter visit you will all enjoy.

Original poster

chrome100 · 18/03/2015 18:37

I am glad others agree. I was beginning to wonder if I am just inhospitable (although suspect I am!) I am also an introvert and although I enjoy seeing friends, I like it be on my terms with a definite ending and a nice peaceful return to my own home!

I also work very near home and quite often bob home at lunchtime to do some exercises, I feel like I won't be able to do that. I know it's trivial but it matters to me.

OP posts:

Littlemonstersrule · 18/03/2015 18:38

I might mention it but it's my house too so I often invite guests. Should one adult never get their own say in their own home? Sounds very controlling.

Fairenuff · 18/03/2015 18:41

I think it is just good manners to check with each other before inviting house guests to stay.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 18/03/2015 18:45

Oh this would worry me. I'd be thinking that three weeks would turn into three months.

Do you have a spare room?

TheCraicDealer · 18/03/2015 18:46

Inviting guests ad hoc is fine if it's a weekend and there's plenty of advance notice Littlemonsters, but three weeks? Ridiculous. I would say it's more controlling thinking that your partner's agreement to a houseguest for that length of time is unnecessary.

MrsHathaway · 18/03/2015 18:46

It's his house too, yes, but three weeks is a long stay. It would be different if it were family you can totally relax with, but actively hosting for more than a few days is exhausting.

I'm not surprised you are annoyed, OP. If you object now you'll be the bad guy.

One should always be ready to host good friends in an emergency - I don't know, gas leak or violent partner or something. But I get the feeling this is largely social, and that's pushing it.

Original poster

chrome100 · 18/03/2015 18:48

We do have a spare room but it's a tiny flat. It's a good point that it's his house too, if it were my way no one would stay so I was prepared to compromise for a week - but not three. I will have words tonight and see if anything can be done.

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 18/03/2015 18:49

Should one adult never get their own say in their own home? Sounds very controlling.

Er... what?!

The OP has had no say in what is happening in her own home.

How can it be "controlling" to expect to be consulted about things that directly affect you in your own house?

Fairenuff · 18/03/2015 18:51

Who is going to be cooking his meals, shopping for his food and washing his clothes? Is he going to do it all himself or is your dp going to do it?

Mintyy · 18/03/2015 18:58

Of course it's not controlling to expect to be asked first if it's ok for someone to come and live in your house for 3 weeks .

MissBattleaxe · 18/03/2015 19:00

In my experience, the lion's share of work often falls to the women when house guests. I'm not saying it's right or that's the way it should be, but that's what happens in my experience.

It is therefore totally off limits to invite house guests unless your DH intends to do all the necessary practical work, and even then 3 weeks is too long because it encroaches on family life and space.

YANBU. I'd be planning to leave home for three weeks if he tried this.

passmethewineplease · 18/03/2015 19:01

YANBU OP. Things like this should be discussed.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/03/2015 19:11

YADNBU he should have asked. The guest might be a saint but I wondered if you have the space for visitors. It's going to be cosy. Is DH using leave to spend time entertaining him? It's nice to be hospitable but you are looking at three weeks.

Have you had anyone staying without checking first with DH? I'd be concerned too about the three weeks stretching to four, and so on.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/03/2015 19:13

Sorry DP not dh.

EeyoresTail · 18/03/2015 19:13

Would your DP want rumpy pumpy while his friend stays? Making a huge generalisation but I'm surprised he's prepared to go without for that long!

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/03/2015 19:31

Yanbu.

I would be greatly displeased and would say so.

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