Really pissed off. DP invited a friend to stay for 3 weeks without running it past me

[chrome100]

Said friend quit his job last year to do some travelling and now wants to come back for a visit. DP has agreed he can stay with us for the whole time. He will be low maintenance, that's not the issue, but I hate sharing my space and will feel I have to be on "best behaviour" and unable to relax in my own home. A week would be pushing it, but three?!

I really want to put my foot down but don't want to hurt the friend's feelings as he is a nice guy. How can I sort this one out?

Should one adult never get their own say in their own home? Sounds very controlling.

No if they live alone. If they live with someone its called consideration to ask the other person, not control.

So what is your dp cooking for the next 3 weeks?
If he don't know how to use the washer etc, best show him now. He's going be very busy over the next few weeks.

DH made the same offer to a friend of his many years ago! A dear friend, a really lovely guy, who was returning from a duty tour during the 1st Gulf War. I just didn't feel that I could say no under those circumstances, but wasn't looking forward to being, as you say, on best behaviour for that whole time. He'd stayed with us before, but never for an extended period.

So, I booked myself 2 separate weekends away during his stay. I spent the weekends unwinding and relaxing by myself in a nice hotel. We just let him think that I was with some girlfriends rather than 'getting away'.

It worked. He was a nice guest (always was) and I got my breaks.

I would not even ask my mother to stay for a night without asking DH!

Do you have small children or pets? A few early morning wake up calls from any would probably encourage the guest to visit a few other friends

Bollocks is it controlling!
If more than one person live in the house then of course you run it by everyone else before inviting guests (for any length of time never mind 3 weeks) its called consideration!!!

I would find this a nightmare TBH. I am an introvert and would struggle with just one night. Its the reason we don't have guests unless in an emergency.
Dh would never invite guests even if he wanted to because he respects my feelings and my feelings actually matter to him.

Does that make me controlling???

Op does your dp know your feelings on this? You need to spell it out to him and make it absolutely clear how this impacts on you. Tell him that you are willing to compromise a week (this time) but no more and in future he cannot invite Fred Random to stay without speaking to you first!

It does sound like he made the offer without thinking.

What would your dh do if you invited one of your friends to stay for that long without asking him first? Or even your parents?

I bet he wanted to be seen as the nice guy, the big man that can do big gestures and didn't give a thought to the practicalities but make sure he understands them very very clearly -not least in so far as he is the one that is going to have to do all the running around after the guest and see if he is still as happy to host for 3 weeks on the trot. Or is he expecting the guest to use you as a base to leave his big travelling bags whilst he goes out to meet friends or stay with them (just taking a small bag of stuff) so he won't be there every single night?

sounds like he feels it is his right as 'man of the house' to do as he pleases

Yanbu. I would find this unbearable. I don't enjoy having people to stay, never have. 3 weeks would be a nightmare for me.

As you have a spare room, and you say he will be low maintenance, then perhaps your dh presumed you were as hospitable as you are?

I have offered for people to stay in our homes before now, because it came up in a conversation I was having at the time, and it seemed the hospitable thing to do. Obviously, when I saw dh, I ran it by him and could have withdrawn the invitation, but, fortunately, my dh is also hospitable and would have made the same offer as I would so it's never been an issue. A couple of times offers have been made without an end date , again, because the circumstances were such, that if the roles were reversed, I would hope that I would be offered the same hospitality and I try to treat people as I would like to be treated.

Sorry, *dp

if it is an established thing in your relationship that both of you are cool with the other inviting guests without running by you then all well and good.

Some people really thrive on that sort of open house set up.
Some of us need time alone to retreat and recharge, others need company and social activity to feel at their best.

I think it's disingenuous to suggest that those who dont enjoy having people to stay are are 'inhospitable'

it's just a different strokes for different folkes issue surely and I assume OP that he is aware you're not comfortable with sharing your space with house guests?

Three weeks is a pretty long time

Is there anything in particular you are worried about?
It would be fair to say to him something along the lines of "OK, we are delighted that you are staying, but 3 weeks is well beyond being a guest, so here are a few things that you need to be aware of during your (long) stay..." Food, booze, bathroom use, clearing up, etc.
You can may be stop problems happening before they occur?

chrome100 - did you talk with your DP last night? How did it go? Were you able to get something sorted?