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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this should not be my job

32 replies

purplehandgang · 18/03/2015 06:39

So I am virtually a sahp to 3 dc including a toddler. Each evening I cook a meal for dc and wash up etc. Dh generally snacks in the evening so more often than not he comes home and sorts himself out or brings home a takeaway.
I put toddler to bed which is no mean feat whilst he normally eats his tea, plays on tablet , watches tv and bed.
well this morning I have come down to crumbs on 2 work surfaces, frying pan on hob, food packets still on the side and a mug updtairs.
Aibu to think that if you make a mess you should clean it up and not leave it for the sahp (skivvy) to do it.
He does work lomg hours during the week so I try to cut him some slack.
But at the weekend I worked for a few hours but he did bugger all than too and I returned to washing up in the boel.
aibu

OP posts:
Original poster
purplehandgang · 18/03/2015 06:40

Mean for dc and me. Upstairs

OP posts:
OddBodkins · 18/03/2015 06:48

You are probably right but it wouldn't bother me. if someone left a big mess every day I'd be fed up but otherwise I wouldn't really think anything of it.

AuditAngel · 18/03/2015 06:51

I'm not a SAHM but I still get this, every single day.

I get ridiculous excuses like, the dishwasher was full (so empty it?) or if he doesn't even check "but you never empty it so I don't check" you need to decide his much of a problem it is for you.

Ragwort · 18/03/2015 06:59

But how did it get to this stage ........... I can't imagine wanting to live with someone (let alone have three children with the same person) who treated me like this. Did it suddenly happen over night that he started leaving his mess around or has he always done it and you just cleared it up for years and it is only now that it is annoying you?

Genuine question, I don't mean to be sarky but you (or anyone in a similar situation) needs to be sure you are not enabling this sort of disrespectful behaviour.

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 18/03/2015 07:05

I can see how this happens. Pre-kids, my DH and I were pretty evenly matched, workwise. But since having children (DS has SEN so returning to work is not possible) the equilibrium isn't there any more.

To the point that my DH is annoyed if he has to fill the dishwasher or washing machine.

I'm not sure what to do about it (to be fair, there are real stresses from his side too as he feels the pressure to do all the work) but I can see how it happens without ever meaning it to.

ThatBloodyWoman · 18/03/2015 07:06

Tbh,I can't see the big deal over a few crumbs etc.
If you're at home the next daý,won't you just amal
gamate it with breakfast making and clearing up?

Jackieharris · 18/03/2015 07:06

It's 'wifework' again!

He's showing you a lack of respect.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 18/03/2015 07:12

ThatBloodyWoman why should she amalgamate it? Why shouldn't he just clean up after himself?

Being at home does not = skivvy. I'm pretty sure she doesn't sit around waiting for someone to give her more chores all day!

Purplepoodle · 18/03/2015 07:12

Tell him to stop,being a lazy ass and clean up his nighttime meal. Otherwise I'd be dumping it in a washing up bowl and sticking it in the passenger seat of his car. Plus crumbs and stuff like that attract mice brrrrr

ThatBloodyWoman · 18/03/2015 07:15

Go because its very very little and marriage is give and take.

Mind you,he needs to sort his act out on days he's off and op is doing some paid work,for sure.

sandgrown · 18/03/2015 07:15

Yes. I have tried to tell DP that crumbs on worktop all night attract mice and ants!

SandysMam · 18/03/2015 07:23

Count yourself lucky, least you don't have to cook for the fat lazy pig too Wink

Original poster
purplehandgang · 18/03/2015 07:24

It was a gradual thing but became 10 times worse after dd3 birth. Most nights at least something is left out but not normally this bad. I am especially pissed off as it was something smelly anl of it. (Good job I have a cold.) Plus I can't really put clean breakfast dishes on worktops covered in crumbs. Plate etc also not washed up.
Also last night he was on the phone to his sis who has 2 dc He mentioned that he was just watching tv as he needed to chill before bed and work the next day. She must have said I would love to chill too. His reply was well that's what happens when you have dc.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 18/03/2015 07:27

I get very cross when people leave the kitchen other than pristine. It is grossly disrespectful to others that will use it and in the same league as leaving the lavatory or bathroom dirty.

Original poster
purplehandgang · 18/03/2015 07:28

Sorry that went wrong. It was somrthing smelly and he knows that I hate the smell of it.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 18/03/2015 07:30

Doesn't he like your food?

What does he eat at lunchtime?

ThatBloodyWoman · 18/03/2015 07:30

I've got up to spaghetti in the sink,the bin over flowing,and the washing up.
Bonsoir.

(Mind you,I left it like that......)

SewingAndCakes · 18/03/2015 07:31

I feel the same as you OP; I really dislike getting up to mess in the kitchen when I cleaned up the night before. I work overnight at the weekends and if I come home to mess it upsets me. I've had to start being very clear and specific with my requests of DH as it did no good to get upset and moody about it without saying anything!

How about a "clear up your own mess" rule for the house?

Original poster
purplehandgang · 18/03/2015 07:39

He tends to eat at work lunchtimes and than won't fancy a proper meal in the evening unless it is his chippy night. We do cook and eat same at weekends but during the week he just wants to snack.

OP posts:
Original poster
purplehandgang · 18/03/2015 07:40

sewing I have a sign to that effect but noone seems to follow it.

OP posts:
Honeypot1 · 18/03/2015 07:44

YANBU. I'd be up in arms about what kind of role model is he setting for your kids? I want my daughters to see the home as a place of love. Sometimes I clear up more than my hubby depending on daily stressors and strains - and vice-versa - and it shows the girls DH and I are partners. And we both have pride in our home. If I had a DS I think the same message would apply.

He may have a hard day at work, and you may have a hard day with the kids. But you're still a team!

I also found the balance altered whilst on mat leave. He thought I didn't do much all day and I saw he had freedom to drink a cup of hot tea and go to the loo uninterrupted. We sat down, talked it out and (childishly?!) Wrote a rosta together. He hates hands on knees cleaning & I don't mind it. I hate hanging washing out & he doesn't mind it, etc. So now we're clear about who does what (and I'm back at work full time) but we don't use the rosta anymore. we are more flexible around each other's needs IYSWIM?

It definitely wants a conversation.

SewingAndCakes · 18/03/2015 07:50

What is his reaction likely to be if you said that you consider housework to be his responsibility too when he's not at work?

Scrumbled · 18/03/2015 07:51

Yanbu its disrespectful to leave a mess and expect someone else to always be clearing up after you. It may be easy to incorporate into your routine but it sets out how things are, before you know it you're lumbered with a whole list of little extra insignificant tasks.

I work long hours and its amazingly easy to wipe a side down, empty the dishwasher, put clothes in the washing machine. I haven't passed out with exhaustion yet.

Ragwort · 18/03/2015 07:54

It definitely wants a conversation - totally agree with this, the trouble is that it really needs a conversation before you set up home and have children together.

I think so many people (women??) have this rosy idea about living together and looking after their man Hmm that they just won't have a basic, old fashioned talk about running the home. I think far too much time and energy is often spent on planning a wedding than discussing the housework Grin.

I am grateful that I married a man who lived on his own, in his own home (as did I) before we got together.

I just hope younger women, our daughters etc will face this sort of thing before it's too late.

gabsdot45 · 18/03/2015 09:22

I'd suggest that you eat together as a family and then clean up together and put the kids to bed together. It sounds like you don't have any family time in the evenings at all. It's pretty selfish of him but you're letting him act in this way.
When my kids were small and I was at home all day, I counted down the time for DH to come home so I could have some help. You should insist on it.