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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - ex MIL and DC birthday

26 replies

QuickMILAIBU · 17/03/2015 23:57

Tomorrow is DD birthday. Ex has her half the day, I have her the other half.

Ex MIL text today to ask when she could come and see DD tomorrow. I text back and said ex had her that morning and she could go see her then as we have plans for the afternoon.

She replied that she had spoken to ex and it wasn't really possible during the time he had her(it is possible just easier if she can see her during my time)

Now I have to host ex mil during the afternoon so she can see DD on her birthday.

I don't really have anything to do with ex's family anymore (their decision not mine) but it's very much on their terms when we are 'family' and when we aren't.

Plus DP is finishing work early to come home and see DD open presents etcetc and I don't think it's fair on him to have my ex mil hanging around the house.

AIBU to say she'll have to see DD during ex's time or the next day?

OP posts:
fattymcfatfat · 17/03/2015 23:58

yanbu. if my exes mum wants to see my children she xan go through her son. she is nothing to do with me and will not intrude on my time

ilovelamp82 · 17/03/2015 23:59

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Just say you have family plans that afternoon, so she'll just have to see your dc in the morning or another day.

CitySnicker · 17/03/2015 23:59

No. Tell her something's come up and she can't come anymore.

Inkspellme · 18/03/2015 00:01

I think you should nicely say no, that just isn't possible as you have plans. sounds like there is enough going on for your dd for one day anyhow.

Inkspellme · 18/03/2015 00:01

I think you should nicely say no, that just isn't possible as you have plans. sounds like there is enough going on for your dd for one day anyhow.

AddToBasket · 18/03/2015 00:02

YABU. It isn't about you or your DP. It's about your Dd.

Original poster
QuickMILAIBU · 18/03/2015 00:03

I text this morning and said she could come over between x and y time and she didn't bother replying.

It seems rude to text now and say actually facilitating you isn't my responsibility. And I will get a guilt trip about keeping her away from her grandchildren on their birthday, but I just don't think it's my responsibility any more!

OP posts:
sandgrown · 18/03/2015 00:04

Wow Fatty you sound bitter! My ex-DH was a real shit to me but it was not his mum's fault and she was my children's grandmother so I tried to keep a good relationship with her even though I did not see her much. Could MIL not just pop in for an hour? Tell her you are going out later .

asmallandnoisymonkey · 18/03/2015 00:11

lol Sandgrown - she doesn't sound bitter, she sounds like she's had enough of her ex and his family. Which is totally allowed.

It's great you have a good relationship with your ex-MIL but not everyone does, so try not to judge everyone by your family's standards, eh?

fattymcfatfat · 18/03/2015 00:15

well my ex mil was a b*h to me. ive had threats of violence, she doesn't care that im pregnant and on crutches. she kicked off at me because I phoned the police on her sons for coming to my house and causing a fuss outside, kicking doors trying to get in etc. she also is not allowed anywhere near my children without supervision as my DS had a handprint bruised onto his bum from where she hit him. so yeah you could say im bitter Smile

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 18/03/2015 00:18

No it's your time and she should respect that.

I feel your pain. My xSIL has just announced that she has booked a holiday near my home during my half of the holidays and is wanting to have my ds join them for a week. Words fail me.

SugarOnTop · 18/03/2015 00:45

I text this morning and said she could come over between x and y time and she didn't bother replying.......It seems rude to text now and say actually facilitating you isn't my responsibility

Actually it was rude of her for insisting on seeing your dc only when it was convenient for her and then not bothering to reply to your text to confirm a time.

Stop letting her pull your strings. She chose not to see her son and gc together and now she has chosen not to reply back re the time. i say sod her and go do whatever you had planned in the afternoon - when she complains you can remind her of the options she chose to ignore.

i wonder - has it clicked to you yet that she is making sure your dc only has a 'good time' with her dad and his family.....and doesn't get to spend any quality time with YOU-her mother - on her birthday? Angry

Original poster
QuickMILAIBU · 18/03/2015 08:12

Still no reply to text, think I'll just go out like we had planned!

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 18/03/2015 08:14

Definitely go out - you texted her, not your problem

Bakeoffcake · 18/03/2015 08:17

Yes go out. Hope your Dd has a lovey day.

SocksRock · 18/03/2015 08:17

I would text her now saying that as you haven't had a reply, you assume she is not coming and you have made other plans now.

AlternativeTentacles · 18/03/2015 08:17

If she responds now text back 'Oh, I didn't hear back from you so we have reverted to plan A. As I said, she is with her dad in the morning and we are out in the afternoon so best to sort it with him'.

Blu · 18/03/2015 08:21

Go out but not without texting back: 'just to let you know, I didn't hear back from you so we have other plans now, not available x time. '. So that she can re arrange for the morning. As the last thing that was said was come between those times it will lose you a share of the high ground if she shows up and you are out. Don't let other people set low standards of manners for you!

Joyfulldeathsquad · 18/03/2015 08:22

This depends entirely in the relationship you have with mil.

I have a great one with my exmil and would have squeezed her in.

BUT I'm NC With my current mil, she is altogether not a very nice person so I would not facilitate it.

Grandparents do not have automatic rights to DGC especially if they have been behaving like twats

Joyfulldeathsquad · 18/03/2015 08:26

She hasnt text back because she has no respect for you and feels she doesn't need to. She is not coming to see you, she is coming to see your dd. you are irrelevant. She will come.

Just text and say 'sorry to mess you about but we Just can't change our plans after trying, you will have to see dd when your son has her'

MinceSpy · 18/03/2015 08:35

Your ex-husband is responsible for letting his mother see his daughter. It's not your problem. Your ex-mil has no respect for you, I'd be tempted to go out.

Phoenixashes · 18/03/2015 08:39

I agree with Pp.

Text and say 'we've changed our plans so not available at x time. I suggest you see DD when she is with ex'

flora717 · 18/03/2015 09:12

Definitely text her. You want the afternoon to be able to focus on your DD not running around making someone else comfy. There's no way my exMIL would get an invite to invade my space (but then that's been the case since before the divorce). It's the ex's responsibility to manage hosting / or not for his family.

proceeding · 18/03/2015 09:27

It's absolutely your ex-DH's responsibility to accommodate her, not yours. Would he be as helpful to your mother as you are being to his!?

Happy Birthday to your DD btw Cake

MagicMojito · 18/03/2015 09:56

Agree with everyone else. You said that its definitely possible for mil to see DD at her dads house, its just easier and more convenient for her to visit in in your time. Well its not for you!!

Text her back a polite but firm message telling her that you already have firm plans set for this afternoon.

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