Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me how to deal with this situation

33 replies

lollipoppi · 17/03/2015 17:30

Me and DP live next door to a family member.
She lives on her own, no children, never married

We have lived here for 6 years with our children and as the children are growing we are also outgrowing the house, we have decided that later on this year we will put the house up for sale and move. We will be staying very local, no more than 5/10 mins from where we are now

Anyway, we mentioned this to her and she broke down in tears, it was so upsetting to see her like that, she doesn't want us to move. I understand why, she feels safe with us next door and she pops round to the children all the time.

We told her yesterday, and she has already been round 3 times today in tears begging us not to move.

I feel really bad for her, but we cannot stay in a house we are outgrowing for the next 20 years just to keep her happy

What's the best way to handle this?

OP posts:
Charlotte3333 · 17/03/2015 17:32

To be frank about the fact that you cannot stay somewhere to please someone else. Give her a hug, pat her on the hand and say "I understand it's hard when things change, but this is the right thing for OUR family".

Nolim · 17/03/2015 17:33

Err. Tell her you have made a decision and it is not about her.

EauPea · 17/03/2015 17:34

Maybe suggest selling both houses and look at getting a larger home with an annexe for her?

kewtogetin · 17/03/2015 17:36

eaupea you cannot be serious?!

calmexterior · 17/03/2015 17:36

Great idea from EauPea.

Hard to know - is she dependent on you?

calmexterior · 17/03/2015 17:37

It's a family member, an annexe isn't so crazy. But it depends how independent they are?

popalot · 17/03/2015 17:38

Is she older or vulnerable in some way?

Pyjamasandwine · 17/03/2015 17:38

Oh dear that's so upsetting.

Of course you have to go what's right for your family but could you extend and stay? Whatever you decide though op you shouldn't feel guilty.

Enigmatist · 17/03/2015 17:39

Knock a hole through the wall and send the kids to live with her. Sorted.

Pyjamasandwine · 17/03/2015 17:40

Kew what's wrong with the annex idea? It could be a great solution depending on the personalities involved.

ILovePud · 17/03/2015 17:40

She's been round three times today in tears begging you to stay? It sounds like she may have some underlying depression or anxiety, this is not a proportionate reaction to you moving 5 - 10 minutes away. You have to do what is right for you but be kind to her, reassure her that you will still be close by and urge her to get some help either through her GP or through some community organisations. Does she have much of a support network apart from you?

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 17/03/2015 17:40

Is she particularly vulnerable? Does she depend on you for practical reasons?

You can't stay to please her, OP. I know how difficult it must seem right now, but all you can do is reassure her that you will se her regularly, make sure she is okay etc.

ILovePud · 17/03/2015 17:42

Do you want to live with her OP, if not then you shouldn't feel guilty about dismissing the suggestions of moving somewhere together?

Original poster
lollipoppi · 17/03/2015 17:42

She isn't dependant on is at all, she is in her 60s and in good health.

She just like us being here.

She wouldn't sell her house it was her parents before hers so has grown up there.

She is just so lovely and i feel really bad that she is so upset. She said she didn't sleep at all last night because of this situation
And I've just had a call from the MIL to say she's had her on the phone 3 times already

I do keep saying we're not moving far, if a bigger house came up on the same road we would buy it!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 17/03/2015 17:43

What Charlotte said.

popalot · 17/03/2015 17:44

Bless her, it's a big change seeing as she hasn't ever moved. But you have to go on and do it, ofcourse. Just have to reassure her you'll visit a lot and she can still visit you.

ILovePud · 17/03/2015 17:45

What does MIL think? again her reaction seems so excessive that I'm thinking there are underlying issues that need to be addressed here.

Bakeoffcake · 17/03/2015 17:47

You'll just need ot keep repeating that you won't be far away and you'll keep seeing her. She will get used to the idea. eventually

Original poster
lollipoppi · 17/03/2015 17:48

Mil knows we need to move, there just isn't enough room her as the children are growing. Mil has reassured her that we won't be moving far, were in walking distance to school and would like to keep it like that.

She is VERY emotional, all the time, she will cry of my little boy says something really sweet to her
She probably does have some emotional issues tbh but not something I feel comfortable talking to her about

OP posts:
nocabbageinmyeye · 17/03/2015 17:51

You or someone close to her needs to sit her down and have a chat with her, her reaction is OTT and completely selfish and she needs to be told exactly that, she also needs a grip handing to her (assuming there are no mh issues). She has two choices, act rationally and be welcome in your new home or continue with the water works and by time you move there will be no relationship left because she'll have alienated herself

Fairenuff · 17/03/2015 17:51

Is her house the same size as yours? Any chance of a swap?

ILovePud · 17/03/2015 17:54

Might your MIL (I'm guessing her Dsis) be able to talk to her about maybe seeking help around her emotional issues.? If she's losing sleep and constantly fretting over this move and this distress doesn't start to dissipate soon then she's going to really struggle. You sound really thoughtful and obviously care about her a great deal, I hope this can get sorted.

Pyjamasandwine · 17/03/2015 17:55

Bit harsh noc I would assume by her actions that she has anxiety issues and just needs gentle reassurance. Op she will hopefully adjust after getting over the initial shock. Poor thing.

Original poster
lollipoppi · 17/03/2015 17:59

Same size house, were in a bungalow, and although we've converted upstairs into 2 bedrooms were just really cramped as there is still bedrooms downstairs IYSWIM
We want to move into a house.

I'm going to call MIL tonight and see if she will have a chat with her about it all, hopefully she will get her head around the idea fairly soon and maybe once it's sunk in she will be ok, but I can't take it if every time she comes round (every other day) she gets upset as it's not nice to see that and also I don't think it's very fair

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 17/03/2015 18:02

I think if she clearly can't self regulate her emotions then someone - preferably your dm presuming a similar age therefore a more balanced dynamic in the relationship - needs to very kindly explain that she can't keep displaying her emotions to you so prolifically.

It's fine to be sad and scared of a big change, but not guilting people or being inconsolable over a decision which has nothing to do with you.

I do feel for her, but your not emigrating, have made clear she's still very much part of your lives. It's a massive over reaction and she may need to explore by herself or with support why it's so extreme and why she can't temper it.

It sounds like she has a great deal of affection for you all and I think she'd possibly be mortified if she comprehended how distressed her behaviour makes you.

I think for your part you all need to remain very upbeat about it and very firm that this is what's happening.