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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send this email after he says he wants no contact?

33 replies

Homepride1 · 17/03/2015 13:46

Spilt with dp at Xmas we have a baby dd together! So far no maintenance he buys odd tin of milk and pack of nappies every 3 weeks!

He has older son he pays for private agreement and bear minimum £100 per month.

I have asked for maintance and it turned nasty, he thinks he can bully me, yet would never behave that was with his ex!

I messaged him clearly stating that he can't bully me and that he he knows if he didn't pay his ex he wouldn't be allowed to see his son etc. and I'm only asking for him to pay towards his dd like he does his son

He replied the following:

Ok well I won't see dd at the moment as I need to sort my life out!

You are ungrateful and petty

You loose out on extra support (milk/nappies)! It was always going to end up like this with you, I'm just glad I'm out of it!

So the AIBU to reply the following or do I just have to leave it at that?

There will be no at the moment, you will not just walk in and out of her life as you choose.

I would say myself and dd are the lucky ones!

I will contact voda phone now and change my phone number and I do not ever wish to hear from you again.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/03/2015 13:48

ignore the twat and go straight to the CSA

badtime · 17/03/2015 13:49

I wouldn't send that reply. You are well rid of him.

I would go to the CSA (or whatever it is called now).

LastOneDancing · 17/03/2015 13:49

I wouldn't send anything while you are (rightly) angry.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/03/2015 13:50

AF is right. The best answer is no answer. Spend the time on the phone to the csa.

FenellaFellorick · 17/03/2015 13:50

I wouldn't bother replying, I'd just go straight down the legal route for support.

Heels99 · 17/03/2015 13:50

Go to CDs. Don't contact him.
Sorry you are in this situation hop you have support. Choose any future partners very carefully. If the treat existing kids badly, steer clear.
Good luck

Heels99 · 17/03/2015 13:51

Csa not CDs.

Original poster
Homepride1 · 17/03/2015 13:51

CSA is pointless as he has own business and put through little so he didn't have to pay taxes etc!

I'm actually no bothered dd will be better off without him, he is a drunk selfish man who continues to let his kids down, he barley has a relationship with his son

OP posts:
Heels99 · 17/03/2015 13:52

If he is engaged in tax avoidance report him for it. Still go to csa anyway.

FenellaFellorick · 17/03/2015 13:54

well, they are used to that.

They can investigate and determine whether the life that he leads is realistically affordable on the salary he declares.

ApocalypseThen · 17/03/2015 13:55

I would definitely make sure your solicitor has a copy of that letter in case he changes his mind and tries to take you to court for contact at some point in the future.

Then I'd forget all about him.

Original poster
Homepride1 · 17/03/2015 14:03

Yes I'm keeping all emails, also have the one admitting he is a alcoholic and drink drives!

I'm actually seeing a solicitor for first time next week!

I have little faith in CSA, my ex doesn't pay for older kids as he works cash in hand and I have reported him to everyone over the years and still nothing!

OP posts:
miniavenger · 17/03/2015 14:25

Keeping everything written is a good idea, not bothering to try and push for contact given his behaviour is another. Definitely do CSA and reporting even if it leads to nowhere- at least you tried.

Some mobile companies can block numbers, might be worth doing that instead of changing our numbering and having hassle of telling everyone?

Original poster
Homepride1 · 17/03/2015 16:33

Actually didn't think of that I can just block his number from my phone!

It got worse he backtracked and wants access! His issue is I have older children and he says he is not paying for them!!! I didn't ask him to!

Did say I would go though CSA but he took great pleasure in telling me to and that I would get fuck all as his earns a minimal Sad

I am so upset I have tried and tried to be reasonable but he just Bully's and threatens to get his own way.

It's all pointless I can't get anything out of him so it's not worth even trying

OP posts:
mummytowillow · 17/03/2015 18:15

What Anyfucker said, get yourself to CSA and he'll have no choice but to pay!

Quick wave to Anyfucker Wink

notsolovely · 17/03/2015 18:20

I would still go to the csa. He obviously is down as earning something as he pays his ex money, assuming he isn't doing that voluntarily. Don't engage with him until you see a solicitor, or at least when you are angry. He is trying to get a rise out of you.

ILovePud · 17/03/2015 18:20

What a tool, sorry you are going through this, I despise parents who hide income so that don't have to support their DC.

LineRunner · 17/03/2015 18:22

I found the CSA (now CMS) to be genuinely very helpful. They also took all the stress out of having to talk to the Ex, as they did it. When they finally did set a rate, he had to pay arrears from the day I contacted the CSA.

So do it today.

sparing · 17/03/2015 18:24

Don't bother with him and don't bother with the CSA. If he can show no income then you'd be better off with a clean break, rather than having to drag it all out and get nothing at the end anyway.

If you think your dd would be better off with no contact, then stop running after him and let him go to a solicitor if he wants access.

By all means block him on your phone, you can block him on what's app too, but I was advised that before you do this you need to formally tell him, eg an email or better yet a letter by registered post. This is because he won't know he's been blocked and could well be sending texts etc trying to see his dd or asking or giving information. He needs to know t hat you're not contactable by this method and that if he has something reasonable to say to you, particularly about contact, he needs to send an email or write, or use a solicitor.

Given that though, I would absolutely go no contact with him. You'll save your sanity.

You need to accept you cannot force him to be a parent, and stop engaging with him. Leave it up to him whether he wants to make a relationship with his dd or not.

LineRunner · 17/03/2015 18:33

I have have disagree with that, sparing. The CSA did the contact for me, by proxy. And my DCs got the financial support they deserved through school, finally.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 17/03/2015 18:43

Can you not report him to the inland revenue for tax avoidance and hit him hard that way. If he is fiddling the books they will be very interested particularly because he is doing it to avoid paying more tax and child maintenance.

sparing · 17/03/2015 18:45

Ach don't prolong the agony by reporting him here there and everywhere.

Just go for a clean break. Don't spend another minute of your life worrying and thinking about him, his money or his dodgy tax schemes.

Not. Your. Problem.

ajandjjmum · 17/03/2015 18:52

So both of your exs are tax avoiders - sadly this means they are unlikely to treat you (or their children) fairly.

You're certainly best away from such idiots. Flowers

miniavenger · 17/03/2015 18:53

Blocki him and ignore. He wants access then he can go through the courts and explain all his nasty texts and his admitting he drink drives and is an alcoholic.

Original poster
Homepride1 · 17/03/2015 20:30

Well he has finally stopped messages now!! Because of how he is and that he can't be trusted alone with dd I had been giving him access every week in my house 8am to 8pm but in the end I finally told him that because of his behavior and attitude I can no longer allow him into the house and will arrange a contact centre! And that I will no longer have any more contact with him. He has basically told me to go through CSA as he don't have to pay anything anyway and that he is seeking advise on access!

He basically laughed at CSA and told me good luck as his earnings are minimal!

His ex is paid through a court order, she gets £100 per month so if I go through CSA will this get taken into account and would the CSA still get spilt between both of us even though she diesnt use CSA? I'm guessing she won't be affected and it will all stay the same for her and only my dd will suffer!

I would like to report him, he had just taken on his 5th member of staff but I don't actually know who to and how I can prove it, all I know for certain was last time he went back to court he manipulated his earning to bring his payments down to ex.

I'm seeing a solicitor next week so intend to bring print outs of everything and get some advice on what's what and how easy it would be for him to go through the courts ect as he has no parental rights and isn't on birth cert

OP posts: