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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step-MIL and her obsession with me not cooking!

65 replies

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/03/2015 10:29

Background: DH is a really good cook, and enjoys the whole process from start to finish. In contrast, I'm just an okay cook. We each do about 50/50 during the week, but when we are having a party or people over for a meal, DH likes to do it. I help with chopping / prep and things but that's about it. This is a pattern we've fallen into naturally and are both happy with it.

We hosted a meal over the weekend with both sets of parents. As usual from the moment they sit down I had comments from Step-MIL about the fact that DH has cooked. She will laugh, "Oh, what a surprise that you've not cooked Tiffany!" looking sideways at FIL. "Why is DH stuck in the kitchen again Tiffany?" , and this weekend, "Do you ever cook?". Hmm

Every time this happens DH jumps in and explains yet again that he is just the better cook and that he enjoys it, but Step-MIL really seems to judge me for not being the main chef in our household. It seems that she upholds the outdated idea of the woman belonging in the kitchen.

To prepare for having our parents over, I cleaned and tidied the house top to bottom, put away laundry, bought the dinner ingredients from the supermarket, laid the table, made a playlist of music and did most of the conversation-holding -- While DH cooked. In my opinion I did my fair share of hosting, am I missing something?

AIBU to think that we are even partners, regardless of who has done the actual cooking, and I am not the lazy slattern Step-MIL likes to make me out to be?! How does everyone else do it in their homes?

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 17/03/2015 11:01

I'm old enough to be your mil OP. When I was first married and working full time I did all the traditional jobs in the house and the cooking because DH couldn't cook and he worked long hours. He did his fair share though and used to join in on wash night when I had the old twin tub washing machine to wrestle with, we couldn't afford an automatic and the twin tub was a hand me down.

When we had DC1 he started to do more. He wanted DC2 and I wasn't sure, so we talked it out and went ahead on the basis that he stepped up and took on more domestic chores, plus he learned to cook.
DCs are grown and left home now and we both work the same hours. I'd say he does more in the house than I do but I shop, plan meals, supervise the cooking, do all the laundry and all the domestic finance and admin. He cleans and cooks and when people come for a meal I tend to do more of the prep and unseen stuff and he's the one who cooks when they're here.

It suits us and it's no one else's business who does what regardless of traditional roles or generation.
Personally I'd just give her a knowing smile and no comment. Don't let her think she's rattled or got a rise out of you. Your house, your rules.

shovetheholly · 17/03/2015 11:13

I am sorry, this INFURITATES me! It's the bad old sexist assumption that women are responsible for doing everything in the house. And I think it exists even where it's less spoken - it is women who are quietly blamed when presents aren't wrapped, food isn't cooked, shopping isn't done, children aren't cared for - never men!

I would buy her a feminist book for every birthday and Christmas from now on.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/03/2015 11:18

Tiffany - I think you need to amass a number of responses, for when she makes these comments - I am sure that the collected wisdom of MN could come up with something suitably polite but cutting.

Like - "Not this old shite song again, StepMIL? Change the record please!" Or "OK - obligatory dig at dh and I - check! Now can we discuss something new and more interesting?" Or "You know, dh explains this to you every bloody time you visit, StepMIL, but you don't seem to be able to remember what he says - have you considered visiting your GP to discuss your memory problems?" - with a concerned head-tilt.

CunningCat · 17/03/2015 11:20

Point out it is 2015 not 1950! Rule number 1: do not entertain rude, arrogant arses at your home!!! No more invites!

Roseformeplease · 17/03/2015 11:22

Do you think she might, rather than being critical of you for NOT cooking, is being critical of her own DH for NOT cooking.

Is she, in fact, wanting her husband to do more and is comparing him to your DH (his son?)?

FinallyHere · 17/03/2015 11:25

What a rude person.

Please remember that it says much more about her than about you. Don't care what she is feeling insecure about, but I would try my best to do nothing more than laugh (at her) whenever she says anything like this. Certainly not explain it all over again. Fair enough the first time, now just laugh at her, or say 'you are so amusing' anytime she comes up with it.

Being the bigger person always works out much better and infuriates the hell out if the horrid person. Go for it and knock her dead. Good luck.

Original poster
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/03/2015 11:26

Thanks all! To the poster who asked whether my parents stood up for me, they probably would have done but it all sort of happened quickly and DH replied straight away with our usual defence. But I do need to change the way we react to it otherwise she will never change.

I think I'll go with shooting back "Yes what a modern man I have, I'm so glad we're not stuck in the 50s anymore..."

OP posts:
FernGullysWoollyPully · 17/03/2015 11:26

I must just point out that I don't think its 'the little wife should do all the domestic job's' thing with my MIL. I think it's just such a shock for her that we've broken tradition and don't eat Sunday roast!!

I quite like my MIL really. I just think she's a bit weird Grin

Original poster
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/03/2015 11:27

Roseformeplease yes quite possibly - FIL does nothing around the house. I never judge them for choosing that lifestyle though... Guess that's the difference between her and me!

OP posts:
wreckingball · 17/03/2015 11:33

Yeah, it would irritate the fuck out of me too and I would probably end up being snappy with her.
'Have you forgotten that all this has been explained to you many times before'?
With a worried and concerned look in your eyes and the implication that old age is clouding her memory.

wreckingball · 17/03/2015 11:38

And she does this in front of your parents too?
Cheeky old cow, I'd be straight on her case if I were your Mum.
'I didn't bring up Tiffany to be a doormat dear'.

ButDadSaidICould · 17/03/2015 12:13

My ex-MIL used to make similar comments. I used to 'misinterpret' them as criticism of my ex-DH's cooking and jump to his defence. So, when asked if I'd made anything at all for the evening meal, I'd pat exDH's hand and say 'Nevermind, darling, I thought it was a lovely meal, even without my help.' She hated the idea that she might be seen to be criticising her pfb so much that she gave up. Fortunately, exDH thought it was hilarious even though he was generally a massive PIA.

Roseformeplease · 17/03/2015 12:16

So, why not use that against her. "Such a shame your DH isn't as handy at cooking as his son." "Why doesn't FiL do some cooking too?" "Are you fed up with cooking - can you help her?"

etc etc. She sounds a cheeky bint.

Also, like the idea of playing the age card. "Is FiL too much of a dinosaur to help? Does he struggle in the kitchen?"

or "I love helping DH when he is cooking - what does your DH do?"

flora717 · 17/03/2015 12:22

We're another couple where DH is a better cook and tends to take the lead for parties / events. I do cook more because he works away a lot. But that just makes him more keen to get cooking and have his own go at some lovely restaurant dish he's had when away. It's awesome none of the parents (3 sets) would remark on this. DH should be telling MIL to butt out.

JigsawsAreAllLittlePieces · 17/03/2015 12:23

Create some cards with her often used phrases.
When she says one, whip out the cards, tick off the phrase she used and play MIL Bingo with your partner.

If she asks what you're doing say it's just our game as you always have your little game about me not cooking

FenellaFellorick · 17/03/2015 12:26

I think you need to reply that you see no reason why you should do the cooking just because you are the woman. That you married a fully functioning adult and you are not a domestic appliance, you are half of an equal partnership.

We've divided things between us according to what we hate the least and/or what we're best at
I do the cooking because I am better at it. My husband does the hoovering. I do the ironing, he does the windows and we both do whatever we notice needs doing.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2015 12:30

I would not invite them round for meals again, or have it in a restaurant. Its none of their business what you do.

NancyRaygun · 17/03/2015 12:37

I like butDadsaidIcould 's one!

Just say straight away "Oh, I thought that meal was delicious without MY input! >whisper< Didn't you really like it?"

Roseformeplease · 17/03/2015 12:43

BTW my DH does ALL the cooking (I make bread and cakes only) and his mother never comments at all so she is a bitch - I was just wondering if she is having a dig at you and FiL and a way to get round that.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 17/03/2015 12:48

Tinkly laugh like she's made a joke works well in these situations.

tilliebob · 17/03/2015 12:51

DH does all the cooking on our house. I hate cooking and seem to have missed the "feeding" gene as I take no delight in preparing lovely nutritious meals for my dcs either. I'd tell your step MIL to wind her neck in. My DH cooks - I tidy and go everything else in the house. I don't think he's too hard done by!

HappenstanceMarmite · 17/03/2015 12:53

Whilst smiling sweetly say "No MIL, DH likes to take the lead in the kitchen. Whereas he likes ME to take the lead in bed...where I attend to his needs with a strap-on and a tub of lube".

maras2 · 17/03/2015 12:55

No one in our family,in laws or other,would dream of passing such rude comments.If you have already tried nicely to explain the dynamics then I'm afraid you'll just have to tell her to shut her noise or don't bother coming again.Can't believe this crap gets spouted in this day and age.

RabbitsarenotHares · 17/03/2015 12:56

I suspect it's jealousy on your MIL's part, esp as you say FIL doesn't do anything around the house. Your setup is so without her experience that she's trying to get you back in line, to what she understands.

I had the same with my mother, though slightly back to front. She, like your MIL, had to do everything in the house and resented it. So when she learnt that I did all the cooking here she moaned that DP was taking advantage of me and I shouldn't let it happen. However much I pointed out that I love cooking, and hate doing the washing up (which DP does without complaint) she still moaned. Because she hates cooking, thinks I should be the same, and thus would not listen to me saying otherwise.

She only stopped when she realised quite how much mess I can cause in the kitchen, and has thus decided I have the better end of the deal. She still can't accept that I enjoy the cooking part, though, and is only happy because she thinks I've pulled the wool over DPs eyes.

popalot · 17/03/2015 13:01

I wouldn't invite someone if I knew they were going to be rude...just don't bother next time. Let her invite you round her house so she can clean, cook and do all the fannying around she wants to do and sit back and enjoy the show. You could think of lots of ways to keep her busy - can I have some xxx with mine? Do you have any xxx?