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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH should cook me dinner?

61 replies

mrsp2311 · 16/03/2015 21:14

I'm not talking EVERY night. But once in a blue moon would be nice! We both work full time. DH leaves before I do on a morning but gets home earlier on an evening.
By the time I get home it is time for DSs bath and bed time routine so I usually don't start preparing dinner until 7:30-8pm.
I would love it if every once in a while DH would tell me to put my feet up and cook dinner for me.

I've tried batch cooking so all he would have to do is heat up something like a chilli and pop some rice on, but even this seems too much like hard work.
AIBU?

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 16/03/2015 22:07

Who doesn't like some time to relax when they get in from work? I'm sure you would, if you had the chance. Doing all the evening jobs is not fair on you. Start with once a week. Tell him Wednesday night is now going to be your night off while he cooks. After two weeks, tell him it's gone so well you can delegate more evenings to him, or alternatively he can do bed and bath duties.

PuntasticUsername · 16/03/2015 22:10

"He says he likes a little time to relax when he gets in from work".

Ha. Well. Yes. Wouldn't we all. But unfortunately, mate, you're a parent. With a wife who works just as long and as hard as you do, and is also GROWING A PERSON. Suck it up, snowflake, and start pulling your weight.

SuggestmeaUsername · 16/03/2015 22:10

If you are both working more or less the same hours then the domestic duties should be split down the middle. he should cook, do housework, same as you

WineListPlease · 16/03/2015 22:10

Tell him that dinner on one day per week, is his responsibility. It doesn't matter if he cooks from scratch, reheats something frozen or picks up something from M&S, but if he doesn't get dinner on the table, he doesn't eat. (make sure you have something in for yourself, just in case)

RandomNPC · 16/03/2015 22:13

He needs to man up and help you.

HumphreyCobbler · 16/03/2015 22:14

ffs. you are pregnant, doing all the bath times each night and all the cooking. On what planet is this even remotely fair? Why do you even have to ask? I think you need to channel your righteous anger about this.

PartyintheKitchen · 16/03/2015 22:16

Is this a joke thread? Honestly?

sliceofsoup · 16/03/2015 22:20

What is it that makes his desire for free time after work more important than yours?

Tell him to get off his backside and help with the family he had an equal part in creating.

CaTsMaMmA · 16/03/2015 22:22

tell him to pull up his socks and he has the choice of relaxing in the kitchen making dinner, relaxing in the bathroom on bedtime duty, OR relaxing in his bedsit working out his child support payments balance up with new rent.

Point out how little he does for you and how hard it is to miss someone who never helps out.

NeedABumChange · 16/03/2015 22:33

Sorry but I disagree with all these posters suggesting he takes on one night a week. It should be equal. Every other night. He sounds such a user. What's he going to do when there's two children?

NeedABumChange · 16/03/2015 22:34

What's going to happen when you are too pregnant too be bending over the bath comfortably?

pointythings · 16/03/2015 22:35

One day a week is not enough - he needs to cook at least 3.

For comparison, when I was in my first trimester, both times DH would take over the cooking. All the time. Because I was sick as a pig and couldn't stand to do it, not to mention the absolute shattering exhaustion as well.

My DH is currently suffering from serious back problems, awaiting a cortisone shot which will give him a few months' relief. Guess who sorted the laundry, because I had done the cooking? That's what a real man does.

Your DH needs to man the fuck up or ship out.

clam · 16/03/2015 22:36

You're PREGNANT?????

I thought this was bad enough before you dropped that little piece of info in. What on earth is he THINKING? Sort this out NOW. You sound far too nice.

ChristmasMarketCrazy · 16/03/2015 22:37

yanbu this is ridiculous.
dp and I share the cooking!
no kids yet.
I leave before him and arrive home after him.
He works at an office and I work in childcare.
Each weekend we sit down and meal plan/decide who is cooking what on which day. if I cook he cleans up and vice versa.

AliMonkey · 16/03/2015 22:55

I suspect OP is like me and it's just easier to get on with it. Pre kids and in fact when we just had one DC, DH cooked one night a week. It worked for us - I like cooking, he doesn't but I wanted to not be doing it every night. For last few years though he just doesn't - or maybe twice a year. Problem is that he's not bothered about food so if left to him he just doesn't bother or would just have some toast. If pushed he would order a takeaway. I would be quite happy with a curry or pasta dish made with a jar of sauce but given choice of toast or doing it myself I do it myself as less effort / stress than nagging him. When I've tried to bring up the subject we always end up arguing as he will claim he goes just as much as me. (Does washing up most nights and occasional hoovering make up for me doing all cooking, washing, ironing, dishwasher loading / unloading, organising of holidays / parties / school things? I do cleaning and shopping too but don't count that as do on my days off when he works.)

TendonQueen · 16/03/2015 23:37

I don't think one night a week is enough either - but I suggested it as a starting point because given that he's reluctant to do any, it will be hard to get him doing half the week straight away without a level of confrontation the OP doesn't sound like she wants. Get him to agree to one night.g then when he's doing that, she can point out that he hasn't collapsed under the strain and can take on more.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 17/03/2015 00:21

Physically demanding job or not, if he was single he'd have to feed himself. That burden gets halved in an equal relationship, not eradicated. And if you do agree to cook every night, he should be picking up some slack elsewhere to maintain equality.

BestZebbie · 17/03/2015 01:00

I slightly disagree with the majority - I think that cooking is a task that it is totally valid to share, but I don't think it has a special protected status that makes it different to other tasks which take a similar amount of time per week.
So for example, if your DH does something else, like drive the DC to school and back, or do all the family laundry, then I think YABU unless you sometimes spontaneously do those chores for him to give him a break as well.
On the other hand, if your DH does nothing around the house and you do it all, it isn't not 'sometimes offering' to cook which is the inequality issue here and so YANBU exactly but the focus might be better spent on the bigger picture.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/03/2015 02:38

You've tried talking to him and he has more excuses than Carter has pills. I'd tell him that starting tonight, he cooks or brings dinner home. You do the bed and bath routine. If he hasn't cooked, make yourself a sandwich & some soup or salad, or a ready meal. Just for yourself. He's on his own.

hestialou · 17/03/2015 06:49

I used to do all the cooking and did love it but since being pregnant and too ill to cook, have cooked twice this year, dh stepped up and took over providing basic meals, usually toast! Cant you try something similar? Ps you have my highest regard to work look after toddler and still cook a meal in evening xx

BathtimeFunkster · 17/03/2015 07:12

A man who thinks he deserves time to wind down after work while his pregnant wife puts the child to bed and then cooks his dinner is basically a shit man.

He treats you like a servant. And you go along with it.

How can you bear to live with such a lazy, sexist pig?

Your children deserve better than to grow up watching him imposing his higher staye on you every day.

Vile.

BathtimeFunkster · 17/03/2015 07:13

His higher status - only a person who believed he was more important than you could treat you this way.

FinallyHere · 17/03/2015 07:14

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

If you really haven't had the talk about how household work gets done between you, I wouldn't just be telling him what to do to step up: that leaves all the planning and organising to you.

In the first instance, I'd be asking him what he felt was a fair split.

It might be useful to have informally prepared a list of all the tasks that need doing. Likewise, I wouldn't rule out his having a rest when he gets in, given you come later anyway. He could prepare a meal in the morning and leave it in the slow cooker. Or batch cook at the weekend , freeze and take out two portions in the morning to defrost throughout the day and then just need to make some fresh veg in the evening while it heats up. If he ends up doing the cooking...and that meals need to be ready in a timeframe that suits you both.

It doesn't need to be especially painful, there is some flexibility to work round each of your likes and dislikes. But he does need to wake up and realise that the housework just doesn't get dine itself and that the split of responsibilities between you needs to be fair.

And to be aware that it will need to change again when more children come along. All the best, now is a good time to get it sorted.

CheerfulYank · 17/03/2015 07:16

DH works full time. I don't. He still does bath and bed.

Cleetus · 17/03/2015 07:17

Why are his needs more important than yours?
Why does he not care that you're pregnant, working, and doing all the child-related work?
Is he always so unkind and selfish?

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