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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it hard to be supportive of my brother

28 replies

greeneone12 · 16/03/2015 20:56

I know I am opening myself up for some harsh comments here but I just need to get this off my chest and if people think I am being horrible then I will just have to take it.

My brother has been with his girlfriend for just over 6 months. And they are 3 months pregnant. She also has an 18 month old and a 7 month old from a previous relationship.

My brother and I are close and we are really happy he is happy although I am struggling to be supportive of certain things as to me they just don't make sense.

They live in a 2 bed flat and were under the impression they would automatically be given a house if they got pregnant. They are really annoyed that they are expected to stay in a 2 bed flat with 3 children.

I just find it hard that they feel the are 'deserving' of a bigger property when they made the conscious decision to get pregnant in the first place.

I listen as he vents and shares his upset but sometimes I find it hard to be sympathetic.

Sorry if this sounds horrible but there are also other things that make me worry for them. To feed their youngest they prop up the bottle with a muslin and let her get on with it - to me that is dangerous as there is a risk of choking. And when they visit they seem to leave everyone else to watch the toddler - literally!

When the next little one arrives I just worry so much about how they will get by.

People may say it is none of my business and maybe they are right. I just think it is a bit irrisponsable to decide to have a child now if they are really unhappy they have no choice but to stay in a small 2 bed with the expectation of the little one staying in with them until they are 5.

Ok - I will sit and wait for backlash!

OP posts:
itsnotmeitsyou1 · 16/03/2015 21:08

I don't blame you for being frustrated. You don't have to support his choices, doesn't mean you dont love or care for him. As long as you're not horrible about him or his partner, you're allowed an opinion. If it was my sibling making these choices I'd say 'well you chose to have a child, and that's lovely, but you should have realised you didn't have space and you're not instantly entitled to more, despite what you think.' He's an adult, he's made his bed so he can lie in it (if he can find space).

DoJo · 16/03/2015 21:09

I can understand how you feel, and the propping of the bottle would really worry me if they aren't keeping a close eye on her. I don't think there's much you can do about him moaning about their housing situation though - surely he will get bored of talking about it eventually!

NeedABumChange · 16/03/2015 21:13

You are not being unreasonable. They both sound ridiculously irresponsible. She decided to make your brother a permanent fixture in her other children's lives after just 3 months? How could she even know him or know what type of man he is? He shouldn't have even been introduced after 3 months let alone all living together with another on the way.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 16/03/2015 21:18

RE: bottle propping. I wouldn't worry too much if they are supervising. But I'd be very vocal about my concern if they were doing it in a situation where they were then leaving the room or unable to supervise properly.

YANBU about the house thing. I'd just say "you'd think you'd have checked what the housing situation was going to be before you conceived."

Original poster
greeneone12 · 16/03/2015 21:19

Thank you all. itsnotme that did make me chuckle. needabumchange I did feel the same thing. They are encouraging the older toddler to call my Mum 'Nan' already and it all just seems so fast :( I just hope to the stars that they stay together and are happy.

Thank you for being kind!

OP posts:
Original poster
greeneone12 · 16/03/2015 21:20

Thank you all. itsnotme that did make me chuckle. needabumchange I did feel the same thing. They are encouraging the older toddler to call my Mum 'Nan' already and it all just seems so fast :( I just hope to the stars that they stay together and are happy.

Thank you for being kind!

OP posts:
Original poster
greeneone12 · 16/03/2015 21:23

cupid they are not always supervising. That is the problem. I have to watch what I say as I do not want to turn them away but it is hard sometimes.....

I do feel for her as she lives on the 3rd floor so she will have 3 children to get up and down 3 flights of stairs.

OP posts:
Tryharder · 16/03/2015 21:24

YANBU.

I would be as judgmental as hell. Hasn't the girlfriend (and your DB) heard of contraceptives? Who the hell has 3 babies in so short a space of time. It's hardly ideal.

Timetoask · 16/03/2015 21:26

They've been together 6 months and are already expecting for 3 months? Has he always been that irresponsible?
I feel furious on behalf of the baby. Coming into a chaotic irresponsible household.

worksallhours · 16/03/2015 21:33

Your brother met this lady when she had a less than four-week-old baby? Crikey, she wouldn't have even been for her six-week check by that point.

It is this sort of thing that just makes me realise how conservative I must be. It is either that or the influence of my cultural background is stronger than I thought. I am afraid I find the fact that she got pregnant to a new partner when her youngest was only four months old to be really rather shocking.

Bunbaker · 16/03/2015 21:39

It takes two to tango Timetoask. Given that the girlfriend has an 18 month old and a 7 month old, I would put her as equally irresponsible, especially as she must realise she incredibly fertile.

mommy2ash · 16/03/2015 21:42

no you aren't being unreasonable by anyone's standards that is a messed up situation. both of them are being very irresponsible having another baby in such a short period of time when she already has a toddler and a baby.

MikeTheShite · 16/03/2015 21:45

How old are they out of interest?

kittensinmydinner · 16/03/2015 21:47

This type of situation makes me want to run for my chest of drawers and search out my biggest pair of judgey pants and hoik them up to my chin ! What are they thinking ? Have they not heard of contraception? Or is his new DP one of those crazy ladies who, after not learning the lesson from two previous children, not yet come to realise that you don't KEEP a man by having his baby. ..as for your DB is he an ijot ?? I completely understand how you must be finding this hard to support. I think you now have to try and find the positives with this and because there are two, soon to be three little mites in this situation do what you can to prevent it becoming a complete car crash...

CupidStuntSurvivor · 16/03/2015 21:55

If they're not supervising the bottle propping, I'd be hoiking my judgy pants up to my armpits and having to really fight to say nothing. I'd end up saying something, I guarantee it. It's so dangerous.

Original poster
greeneone12 · 17/03/2015 10:09

He is in his early 30's and does not want to have children 'old'. She is mid 20's and they did know of each other before but she was with someone else.

I really want to be positive and put my negativity to bed. I just find it hard :(

workallhours I kind of felt the same too :(

OP posts:
GoringBit · 17/03/2015 10:30

I don't think you can - or should - do more than you are, although in your shoes, I wouldn't want to listen to endless complaining about their housing situation. They've made their choices, they have to live with the consequences. I think that you are more sympathetic than you give yourself credit for.

Quitelikely · 17/03/2015 10:42

They cannot be expected to get up and down those stairs with three dc. They would need two parents home constantly!

Does your brother work OP? Because if he does I'm wondering how she is going to get to and from nursery with the eldest.?

I am sorry to say that my judgement of this situation does not fall in your brothers favour either.

Fgs children need space. Three small children in a two bed flat is not going to be easy. Yes I know children can get by on love but how will the parents cope with three young demanding dc, lack of space, feeling cramped.

flippinada · 17/03/2015 10:45

Yanbu. Both of them sound completely irresponsible. And your brother is in his 30s! I can understand why you're struggling with this, I would too.

Latara · 17/03/2015 12:07

My sister's ex had 3 young children; she hadn't even met them after 6 months!

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I don't understand relationships where people move in together after just a few weeks.

CunningCat · 17/03/2015 12:35

Are they in a HA flat? Are they expecting HA to offer a 3 bed house?. If so they are about 20 years too late! Don't they know there is a hugh shortage of HA properties? There has been for years! I know someone with 4DC's in a 2 bed with no hope of moving, especially if they are in a city!

PtolemysNeedle · 17/03/2015 12:40

I'd be disappointed if someone I loved displayed this attitude as well.

You don't have to support your brother in having children he can't afford, especially when he's creating children with someone else that can't afford them, I certainly wouldn't. And in your position I'd let my brother know I that as much as I loved him, I'd lost a huge amount of respect for him and would appreciate it if he didn't complain to me about problems he chose to create for himself.

notsolovely · 17/03/2015 12:47

Yanbu especially if he is expecting you to listen to him moaning all the time. I have been here dbro complaining 2 young children under 2 years too hard for his wife to look after in their small 2 bed house. Sil struggled to look after the first, didn't like being a sahm, hated living on one wage, wants a bigger house, wants holidays abroad every year. Yet they decided to start trying for a second one very quickly. I had a big gap in mine because we couldn't afford 2, so it really annoys me when he moans. If he wasn't moaning I wouldn't give a hoot.

notsolovely · 17/03/2015 12:48

Does he have a job? Can't they privately rent somewhere?

letscookbreakfast · 17/03/2015 12:53

I have zero sympathy for your brother and his partner.

Myself and my partner live in a tiny one bedroom bungalow that's been adapted for my needs, recently we and another tenant submitted a mutal exchange request so we can start a family and the other tenant needs to downsize as her rent is too high for her. We were knocked back because although it met my needs, the other bungalow has a tiny box room for a second bedroom and it was deemed to be too big for us.

Moving would have enabled us to start a family but one thing we will never consider doing is having a child whilst we live where we are as unless there was another suitable property, we wouldn't be moved and we won't take that chance.

It makes me angry that people are having kids and then expecting to be moved to bigger places (they often are) and people who want to do it the 'right' way are knocked back.

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