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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Heat of the moment?

34 replies

RocketInMyPocket · 16/03/2015 18:51

Don't want to go into too much detail, but big argument with relative yesterday.
Was having a bit of a heated discussion yesterday (something really unimportant that escalated).
I was arguing about a specific situation/incident, relative then made some quite hurtful and pretty personal comments.

Left as it was, but I was really annoyed at what I felt were 'snide remarks' that obviously had more to them.
Anyway, emailed today an (admittedly pissy) email saying 'please expand on x, if you will not expand then kindly don't make such comments in future'.
Response 'It was said in heat of moment, grow up'

So, is the 'heat of the moment' a good enough response?

I mean, I know when I say things in the heat of the moment I absolutely, a hundred percent mean them.
I might think afterwards, I really shouldn't have actually expressed it out loud, but I always mean it!

I feel dynamic has totally shifted now, feel like I can't trust this person, especially as emails to'd and fro'd and it was quite clear it was felt nothing wrong had been done, other than me being 'pathetic' and 'needing to get over it'

OP posts:

splodgeses · 16/03/2015 19:01

If it was something that really doesn't matter, then leave it. Without knowing what was said and the context, it is hard to say YA/YANBU.

However, I wouldn't have sent the email as it seems you are trying to restart an argument that you had already 'left as it was'.

I know it can be infuriating to let something go, but I really think that it is your only option.

Original poster

RocketInMyPocket · 16/03/2015 20:38

I'll definitely leave it as it is now.

If I write full comments, they will definitely out me, but there were a few I felt 'well, that's just lovely isn't it's two 'that's below the belt's and one 'What the HELL is THAT supposed to mean'.

I wrote and then deleted email at least 3 times throughout the day, but tbh I did feel better after I'd sent it.
Kind of I know this is going to go down like a lead balloon, but if I don't get it off my chest now, it's going to build and build.

And I fully admit email was pissy, but was better than the 'You're a fucking spiteful cunt' than had been going around my head all day.

OP posts:

DoJo · 16/03/2015 20:43

Do you really value this person's opinion? Do you think that they might have a valid point? Is there anything they could say to 'expand' on their original comments which would make this situation better? It sounds like there isn't much more to be said on the matter, but that you want the chance to prove yourself right (not meant to be harsh - I only think that because it's something I would do!), but is it really worth it? Did you previously have a good relationship with this person that you think could be restored?

flora717 · 16/03/2015 21:07

I think you've all the information you need. You're right "heat of the moment" means they're not prepared / able to justify it AND they've not offered an apology for what they said nor it's (intended or unintentional) impact.
Now you know this person to be either prepared to come out with hurtful comments to make a point / be defensive and to have no intention to reconcile.

Fairenuff · 16/03/2015 21:11

Depends who the relative is. If it is your partner then, no, I don't think you can leave it at that.

Original poster

RocketInMyPocket · 17/03/2015 11:52

WTF? comment was regarding DC.
Insinuating I don't bother with them, and insulting comments about me being a SAHM (Some of go to work and pay taxes etc)
Asked 3 times to explain DC comment.
Was met with heat of the moment, grow up, and lastly denial of saying it....

OP posts:

DoJo · 17/03/2015 12:47

It doesn't sound like there's much chance of salvaging your relationship, so I would just leave it alone and keep your distance from now on.

notsolovely · 17/03/2015 12:53

I am guilty of thinking things I wouldn't say out loud. Have managed to keep them to myself for the most part. It really depends on the situation. You say 'heated debate' she may feel it was a attack on her. To be honest unless there are details, which I appreciate you don't want to give. Its hard to say whether to drop it or not. I wouldn't have sent an email trying to carry on the argument though.

londonrach · 17/03/2015 13:01

Id let it go and agree with your relative re heat of the moment but its very hard to judge without knowing what we discussing. Sending an email surely is continuing the argument. Why did you feel you had to do that. Maybe if its still upsetting you have a think why, also why you sent the email. Is there an element of truth? As i said before its very hard for us mntters as we no idea what the argument is about. X

Original poster

RocketInMyPocket · 17/03/2015 13:15

Thanks for replies guys, obviously don't want to go into too much detail, but don't know if you read my post about 20 mins ago, but comment was implying I don't care about my DC, and obviously hurtful a relative thinks that about you, but kinda worse that's it's been dismissed and should be 'brushed under the carpet'.
I'm thinking you've clearly got something to say, so fucking say it, don't imply it, then minimise it IFKWIM

OP posts:

VisitTheInfidel · 17/03/2015 13:29

Maybe by 'heat of the moment' they mean it was something they didn't mean but was just said to hurt. So there's nothing to expand on.

To be honest it sounds like you want to carry on arguing into the next day and the other person doesn't. Your 3rd post appears to say that you've sent 3 pissy emails trying to engage them in further rowing, not just the 1 you mention in the OP.

MajesticWhine · 17/03/2015 13:36

Saying something hurtful is not excused just because it is heat of the moment. No, you can't trust this person. I suggest you distance yourself. On the plus side, you now know exactly what this person thinks of you. This clarity might be useful going forward.

Original poster

RocketInMyPocket · 17/03/2015 13:37

I did say in the OP that emails to'd and fro'd tbf.
That is kinda my question though, are things that are said 'just to hurt' ever really said without you actually meaning it.

I understand saying things to hurt people, I have done it in the past, but deep deep down I've always meant it...

OP posts:

Original poster

RocketInMyPocket · 17/03/2015 13:41

Scrap that, I thought I'd said there were a few back and forth, but obviously didn't!!

OP posts:

Dr0pThePirate · 17/03/2015 13:41

No. You can't say hurtful things to people then tell them to get over it. If they are sorry for what they said then they will apologise. If not then try not to have anything to do with them in future.

You're obviously hurt and angry OP and "in the heat of the moment" is cold comfort without an actual apology. They're not sorry, they just don't want to take responsibility for their own actions.

Original poster

RocketInMyPocket · 17/03/2015 13:42

No, I definitely did say it, last paragraph of OP! confusing myself now

OP posts:

VisitTheInfidel · 17/03/2015 13:58

Sorry I thought the to and fro bit was yesterday's argument. To clarify, I do think things can be said purely to hurt in the heat of the moment. But I agree that they should still apologise for it. If they won't apologise then they probably do mean it but don't want further aggro.

daisychain01 · 17/03/2015 14:05

Although I can picture the scenario, because its often the most seemingly trivial comments that then escalate into more serious cutting remarks, it seemed that you did end up re-stoking an existing fire that may have gone out. Sorry if I have got the wrong end of the stick - having to make assumptions as I know you don't what to do a 'blow-by-blow' account (I don't blame you!)

Can you forgive them for the comment they made, or do you feel it absolutely must have an apology? It seems as if you do recognise your role in the situation, so not totally blameless.

Could it be treated like a car accident on a "knock-for-know" basis - i.e. you both had something to do with it, and so why not call it quits?

Sometimes holding out for an apology means it just goes on and on, and gets even worse.

Depends on how much you both value the relationship, I guess ....

Original poster

RocketInMyPocket · 17/03/2015 17:50

Daisychain The initial argument was very much both our faults, yes. Neither of us covered ourselves in glory, and it's very very embarrassing looking back.

I don't know if I'm holding out for an apology, after emails it was made pretty clear it was felt it was 'over', but it's not over for me, not because I want to keep arguing (I really really don't), it's just I can't imagine being around that person now, without it being in the back of my mind, (I'm sitting here smiling and laughing with you, yet I know what a low opinion you have of me type thing).

I don't know what I want to be the outcome, wish it had never happened to be honest, but as it has I don't know how I can get on like normal

OP posts:

Original poster

RocketInMyPocket · 17/03/2015 17:59

Majestic That's exactly how I feel, all trust between us has gone.
We'd previously has a conversation about my work, me saying I can't wait to get back to it, I feel really down most days and am finding it hard to keep on top of things.
So to then call me lazy, and remark some of us have jobs was throwing that personal conversation back in my face.

I'll never be able to confide in her again, because I'll now always be worried it will be used a bullet for me...

OP posts:

Original poster

RocketInMyPocket · 17/03/2015 18:01

It will be used as* a bullet for me.

As I said, argument was absolutely pathetic in the first place, but I never made one personal attack, I just feel gutted really

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 17/03/2015 18:04

I've been in the same situation, a couple of times in my life - so I know that unravelling what has been said, is very hard indeed. The words cannot be 'unsaid'.

Motivation rests with you both, not just you and not just them. It has to be a two-way street, so you both come away with equal "dignity".

You could start the ball rolling, or you could just let the dust settle, and see if they contact you (sounds like they won't).

I can imagine it feels like you wish you could just erase the whole episode because that's the only way to be rid of it. Sorry I don't actually have a solution as such, but I do recognise how hard these things are to put right. I hope it resolves somehow for you, in a way you can get on with.

Just a thought - people's opinion can be fluid, they may say something that held true at one point in time, but may not be fixed. So if you do resolve it, at least remember we all say things in the heat of the moment that don't necessarily have to be set in concrete....

Caoimhe1922 · 17/03/2015 18:04

Yup they meant it.

Maybe not in a direct sense that you don't care for your children but in a let's say the most hurtful thing possible.

I am presuming you love and care for your children and that your love is obvious to all who look at your family. So I would focus on the fact that they wanted to really hurt you and the easiest way to hurt a good mum is to reference her love for her family.

Something similar was said to me years ago. An awful woman and I were having a vigorous disagreement and she began including my children in her insults. It didn't bother me, tbh, as I took it as another indication of her ignorance.

LineRunner · 17/03/2015 18:05

Personally, I think any relative reduced to saying 'grow up' in an email is not worth my time. It's lazy and dim.

Original poster

RocketInMyPocket · 17/03/2015 19:02

The comment that words cannot be 'unsaid' is really resonating with me.
But what do I do from here?
I've pretty much outed myself already by being a bit too specific, if she reads this she'll know it's about her.
So, yeah, it's my sister, and I'm thinking how the hell am I going to cope with this going forward?

OP posts:

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