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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex to get his own place?

34 replies

Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 16/03/2015 16:22

Ex and I separated last October, he didn't have anywhere to go and so moved in with a family member temporarily. The arrangement was for him to have ds 1 day a week for me to work, but as he didn't have his own place then he would come to mine.
Trouble is he is quite settled now where he is and doesn't seem in a hurry to move out. Every time I mention it he makes excuses and says he can't afford it yet, even though he earns a very good wage.

The thing is I hate him being here, I keep imagining him going through my personal things, he eats my food and leaves a mess for me to come home from work to. He thinks I'm being unreasonable for not wanting him in my house anymore, am I?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/03/2015 16:25

YANBU

This is his problem, not yours.

If he only has his son 1 day a week, can he not take him somewhere?

DoJo · 16/03/2015 16:27

YANBU - it is outrageous that he is using your food and treating the house like a hotel where someone else will clear up after him. I bet I get guess why he's an ex! Grin.

I reckon you give him a deadline after which you will refuse to have access at your house. He can take your son out all day, find his own place or organise contact at an alternative location, but coming to your house and treating it with such disrespect is a power play on his part and not likely to enable you to have a civil and mutually respectful relationship.

scarletforya · 16/03/2015 16:33

Of course you're not being unreasonable. It's not your problem that he has nowhere else to go.

He's a freestanding user so he's not going to acknowledge he's being outrageously unreasonable.

Kick him out forthwith. He's not your problem.

scarletforya · 16/03/2015 16:33

*freeloading

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 16/03/2015 16:34

Thanks but ex can't take him somewhere because I'm in work until 10pm, ds is only 5. He doesn't even drive, he walks to school to pick up ds, takes him to mine then walks home when I get in.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/03/2015 16:37

That's not your problem. He has to find somewhere to take him.

'he eats my food and leaves a mess for me to come home from work to.'

What a fucking arsehole.

Deadline: he needs to find another place by the the end of the month. No more access to your home.

DoJo · 16/03/2015 16:40

Would the alternative be that he had somewhere of his own and your son would have overnight contact with him? Doesn't he want that? I would have thought he would be desperate to have the chance to spend more time with his son, although I also would expect a grown man to clear up his own crap when he's in someone else's house!

scarletforya · 16/03/2015 16:43

I'm confused, is ex living I'm your place full time or just going there one day a week?

MissMuesli · 16/03/2015 16:44

Can your son not stay with ex at family members house (where ex lives) one a week?

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 16/03/2015 16:44

Yes I'd he had his own place he could have ds overnight and that would be great. He's insisting he cannot afford somewhere by himself, even though I manage perfectly well on a lot less money than he has. Part of me thinks he's waiting until he meets another woman with a ready made home to move right into, as he did with me.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 16/03/2015 16:46

Agreed, it doesn't work for him to come to yours anymore. how about a deadline of end of school easter holidays?

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 16/03/2015 16:48

Ex is here one day a week to look after ds while I work. Apparently no he can't stay over at family members because ex sleeps on the sofa. If I give him a deadline then he will just say he can't look after ds anymore and then I will be stuck for going to work, there's no way around it really.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/03/2015 16:49

Who cares what he insists? You tell him, no more your house as of end of the month. He needs to take him somewhere else. Then change the lock barrell. You tell him he brings his own food and cleans up after himself or no more your house becomes effective immediately.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2015 16:50

'If I give him a deadline then he will just say he can't look after ds anymore and then I will be stuck for going to work, there's no way around it really.'

Hire a babysitter for that night.

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 16/03/2015 16:52

Yes I suppose I could hire a babysitter, maybe that would make him get off his arse and find somewhere, because as it is now if I didn't work then he wouldn't see his son at all.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/03/2015 17:05

Not your problem to enable him to see his son. That is his lookout. Tell him he has till end of month. Then you will get a babysitter.

Stop making this your problem.

owlonabike · 16/03/2015 17:19

What expat said. And put it in writing.

velvetspoon · 16/03/2015 17:29

Can your DS not sleep on the sofa (ex sleeps on floor) or on a ready bed or similar?

My Ex has been living with his family and sleeping on the sofa for 4 years. When our DC visit, they sleep on sofa or floor. It's not ideal and as they're getting older (mid teens) they're much less inclined to visit than they would be if he had his own place. But despite earning 40-50k a year he won't move out because he cant afford to...

TwinkieTwinkle · 16/03/2015 17:31

So are you living in what was the family home? If so, perhaps a bit of leeway wouldn't go amiss. You have been left with a set up home you and your ex built up together. He is starting from scratch. Pretty damn expensive.

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 16/03/2015 17:34

Thanks for your replies, I have suggested that he sleeps on the floor, or a camp bed, but ex always comes up with some excuse or another. Basically I think he's just enjoying having the run of my house for 1 day a week. The mans 50 years old for gods sake he just makes me so mad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 16/03/2015 17:35

We didn't build it together Twinkie, it's my house I already owned it and everything in it when we got together.

OP posts:
Jux · 16/03/2015 17:39

Of course he's enjoying the run of your house. No real effort involved and he can still keep an eye on you. It's not good for ds, as it blurs the boundaries, but it's great for ex.

If he has nowhere to take ds, then he can do what a million other NRPs do and see him for an hour or so after school - take him to McDonald's or wherever, and then hand him back (to the babysitter in your case).

MaryWestmacott · 16/03/2015 18:01

It does sound like he's not someone you can rely on long term anyway. Can you find a babysitter? Line someone up for after the Easter holidays.

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 16/03/2015 18:20

Thanks all, I did try my best to be understanding at first, but I feel he's taking the piss now after almost 6 months. Seems he's reverted back to his youth and would rather piss his money up against the wall every weekend than get somewhere to live.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/03/2015 18:49

'Basically I think he's just enjoying having the run of my house for 1 day a week. '

Yep. And he doesn't give a rat's arse about seeing his son, or seeing him more, of he'd have already have found a place to live.

He's a loser.

So tell him, 'You can't be in my house anymore. This is your last fortnight here.'

If he counters that then he can't see his son, you tell him it's his responsibility to provide a suitable place. He's an adult with responsibility to his son. Over and over.

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