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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel concerned with nephews shared care arrangement?

44 replies

louisiannafive · 16/03/2015 15:14

I am very close with my two twin nephews. They are 5 and spend half their time with mum and half their time with dad, sort of a rotational four/three/three/four day system. One nephew has persistantly told me he doesn't like this arrangement, said it was confusing.

Their mother - my sister - has always been controlled by ex and doesn't have the strength to challenge this.

Should I just keep my beak out?

Will nephew get used to this arrangement over time? His brother hasn't said anything.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 16/03/2015 15:17

I'm sure he'll get used to it.

It's probably only confusing because he's 5 and won't always know what day it is, unless someone tells him.

pinkdelight · 16/03/2015 15:41

He will get used to it. The ex may be controlling, but that's a separate issue. 50/50 shared care is a fair arrangement and hard to challenge on the grounds that one DS doesn't like it. DC often dislike any change, whether it's from home to childcare/school, and maybe he equally dislikes coming back to your sister's to his mum's, but in time it will become more of a routine.

Purplepoodle · 16/03/2015 15:47

I wouldn't day anything. It's a decent way to share childcare. If it's not working the parents will see its not working.

Original poster

louisiannafive · 16/03/2015 15:48

I wonder though who is it fair for. The parents or the kids. I'm not sure I would like this living arrangement.

OP posts:

Original poster

louisiannafive · 16/03/2015 15:48

Just out of interest would you have this arrangement for your own kids?

OP posts:

Owllady · 16/03/2015 15:51

I don't know, you are their aunt. If you have concerns about your nephew, I think it's fine to talk to your sister.
Do you think the ex only wants shared care to control your sister further? I'm not sure I'd be happy about that either, if it was my sister/nephews.

Original poster

louisiannafive · 16/03/2015 15:54

Yes I do. Before this happened I would have said fifty fifty is fair. Now I'm not too sure. I think nephew is unsettled, like a suitcase kid.

Can you imagine living between two places? It seems very unnatural to me but can see I'm in minority.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 16/03/2015 15:54

I wonder though who is it fair for. The parents or the kids. I'm not sure I would like this living arrangement.

I imagine it's fair for all concerned.

I agree with pinkdelight. Kids often don't like change until they get used to it.

WorraLiberty · 16/03/2015 15:56

But you seem a little biased, due to the fact one parent is your sister.

If you think your nephew is unsettled 'like a suitcase kid', would you be happy for him to stay with his Dad Monday to Friday and just see his Mum at weekends?

Original poster

louisiannafive · 16/03/2015 15:58

No, I wouldn't be happy as she has been kids main carer. She became a stay at home mum for them. She bf them for two years. They are closer to her, without a doubt.

OP posts:

Newlysinglebee · 16/03/2015 15:58

My xh asked for this previously and I refused on the grounds of the dc needing a better routine and a more stable up bringing, he then later admitted that he only asked so I wouldn't be entitled to cm from him! Do you think this is a similar situation?

Original poster

louisiannafive · 16/03/2015 15:58

Not to mention they have half brother with mum.

OP posts:

Aridane · 16/03/2015 15:59

What WorraLiberty says

honeyroar · 16/03/2015 16:00

My stepson does it 60/40. He loves seeing both parents. He has a nice room, clothes, toys, pets, holidays etc at each house. Plus two parents (and me, his stepmum) that love him. It's been like that for 14 years now. He's grown up happy and well balanced, got straight As and turned into a lovely young man.

WorraLiberty · 16/03/2015 16:02

Well then I think the arrangement is fair and (in the nicest possible way) you should keep out of it.

The parents will know what's best for the kids and as neither of them has tried to change the arrangements, they too probably understand that they'll get used to it over time.

They may be closer to their Mum right now, but kids do go through phases of being closer to one parent and then switching to the other and back again.

If either child becomes extremely distressed by the arrangement, it will more than likely be very difficult to enforce anyway.

Original poster

louisiannafive · 16/03/2015 16:02

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/children/10900948/Separated-parents-are-damaging-children-by-sharing-their-care-expert-claims.html

It does have problems for some though?

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 16/03/2015 16:05

Isn't there someone who has written a controversial book arguing that 50/50 care isn't great for DC?cant remember her name.

Whether it's good for the DC or not it could be hard to change if well-established, especially if your sister is reluctant to challenge her ex.

WorraLiberty · 16/03/2015 16:05

Everything has problems for some

It doesn't mean it's a problem for everyone

Shared care is becoming more and more common and it often works well.

PeruvianFoodLover · 16/03/2015 16:13

OP if you have cast your nephews as "suitcase kids", then there is something very wrong with the way in which you sister and her ex are executing their shared care arrangement.

There should be minimal "luggage" transported between houses - shared care, by it's very nature, provides two equally equipped and welcoming homes for the DCs.
Often, transition works best through school - something schools are willing to facilitate as long as "luggage" is again kept to a minimum.

There are plenty of DCs in conventional, or single parent families, whose parents work shifts or irregular hours and those DCs spend significant periods of time in other homes (including overnights) with grandparents, minders or similar Carers. Their parents can't stop working if a DC says they "don't want to go".

Owllady · 16/03/2015 16:15

I think fair is not a word I would use concerning a father/ex husband who is controlling tbh

Original poster

louisiannafive · 16/03/2015 16:16

Am I right into thinking courts in Australia are abandong such time splits after negative outcomes?

OP posts:

minionmadness · 16/03/2015 16:17

For me it would depend on whether there is an ulterior motive to either parent's request for this.

It would be fine if both parents had agreed to this amicably and for the right reasons, but not if this way a way to stop one parents from paying CM and to still have some control over the other parent.

My niece and nephew spend equal time with both parents which was mutually agreed. It has most definitely had some adverse effect on the children despite the best efforts of the parents who still get on extremely well.

I suppose some issues are to be expected initially until the children adapt.

Original poster

louisiannafive · 16/03/2015 16:18

And only 9percent have this arrangement. I can't see that this is a popular choice for parents

OP posts:

Charlotte3333 · 16/03/2015 16:18

I think it depends on the child as to wether it works or not; we have friends who do this with their DS, and he's the happiest boy I know. DS1 here wouldn't be able to cope with the chop-change thing at all; he's very routined and very set in his habits.

I don't think it's something an outsider can change, though. If you speak to your sister about your nephew's unhappiness is she likely to change the arrangements?

WorraLiberty · 16/03/2015 16:18

How long have they had this arrangement for?

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