to feel concerned with nephews shared care arrangement?

[louisiannafive]

I am very close with my two twin nephews. They are 5 and spend half their time with mum and half their time with dad, sort of a rotational four/three/three/four day system. One nephew has persistantly told me he doesn't like this arrangement, said it was confusing.

Their mother - my sister - has always been controlled by ex and doesn't have the strength to challenge this.

Should I just keep my beak out?

Will nephew get used to this arrangement over time? His brother hasn't said anything.

if the child isn't happy about it after a few months I think it should be re considered. It rarely sounds like a good idea to me.

No. She won't. I just wanted to hear if others experiences.

I grew up like that. Feel free to PM me.

OP, the other 91% may well be DC who only see the NRP every other weekend. Do you think this is a better arrangement?

I think a system where children are at mums on monday, tuesday and wednesday morning and at dad from wednesday pm to friday (and alternate weekend/half weekend) would work best.
Then which days they are at mums, which days they are at dad is clear.
I've known children incapable to say who was going to pick them up as it was changing all the time (which is what is happening here). Not good for the dcs imo.

Also how on earth are they handling the after school arrangement if the days they are with mum/dad are never the same?
Don't tell me it's all still relying on mum being there to pick them up!!

In Spain they wanted to make 50/50 arrangements the default, and in some areas if you go to court, they definetely Are the default.

However, some experts are now starting to question whether this is the best solution as it seems to work well only if the parents are still on good terms and have similar parenting styles, which, of course, is not necessarily the case...

My Godchildren grew up like that. They are now both at University and two of the most well adjusted, lovely young people you could hope to meet. They have strong relationships with both parents.
I'm aware this is anctedotal - but that's what you asked for.

Obviously it will depend on working hours and the like, but, if it can be managed, then 50:50 shared care is theoretically best for everyone IMO.

But, as others have said, shared care shouldn't involve them living out of suitcases - the issue is how the parents are managing it, rather than the fact they are sharing it.

Actually the 50/50 approach was forced onto parents (even if they were both happy to be a EOW arrangement!) in France too.

That was aboout 5~6 years ago.
Aftyer having to deal with so many problems coming from that, they now have gone back to EOW on the ground it's giving better stability for the children, better communication between home and school and better resulst all around.
The 50/50 was usually one week with mum, one week with dad (very stricyly enforced).
An arrangement with floating days has always been seen as unsuitable.

Well, if I had to live 3 days in house and then 4 in another, then 4 in the first one etc... I would be living in suitcases tbh.
I would probably be moaning that I need X that I forgot at the other house.
And I would also be confused on where I would need to be.

That's coming from my experience with travelling for work and needing to have 'two homes', one for work 3 days a week, one which was 'home' for the other 4 days.

My best friend was brought up with the same arrangement from the age of 4 and she is fine, it never bothered her in all the time I've known her (since we were 12).

Her mum and dad do live only a few streets apart though (deliberately), so maybe that helped.

Remember kids are very resilient too.

Many of them go through phases of not wanting to go to school/nursery/CM/after school clubs/breakfast clubs etc. But they have to do it if their parents work.

And as most MNetters rightly tell the worried parent, "I'm sure they'll be fine and settle in soon" and the majority of the time, they do.

So try not to worry too much.

All children are different. It will work for some and not others. My DD fell into the didn't work camp. We tried for 18 months with 50:50 shared care she withdrew into herself, stole food and became very overweight.
18 months into an EOW arrangement she is a happy confident girl, who no longer steals food and whose BMI is falling.

I think it would depend very much on the child, and on the parents. In some cases it would be fine, in others it might be a problem. In my opinion, some children need to be able to see one home as "base", but should still be seeing the other parent a couple of times a week, if at all possible.

I definitely think that the French idea of alternating weeks is bad. Kids need more continuity than that.

Worraliberty. Do you have experience of this? Did it work? Thanks

Yes. My godson and his sister had this arrangement from the ages of 4 and 7yrs.

They are 17 and nearly 20yrs now and very happy and well adjusted.

I think the important thing is (or at least it was with them) is to make sure they have a proper home at both parent's houses, so no need to live as 'suitcase kids' IYSWIM?

I think it need good communication if they are doing rolling childcare like this and clothes/uniform at each parents house. Perhaps a monthly calendar which your nervous nephew could cross off the days. His dad's highlighted one colour and his mums the other so he knows exactly where he is and what the next day holds. Or even a weekly version so he can get his head around it.

This is the exact arrangement I had at 5 years old. I hated it and it was changed to two weeks/ two weeks, which was much better. We had a big printed excel spreadsheet, copy for me,mum and dad so we all knew exactly what was going on.

I had a small bag that went backwards and forwards with fav. teddy/toys, party dress/ swimsuits but never a suitcase both houses were fully equipped. All the other kids were jealous as I had two bedrooms!

needabumchange no issues over this as an adult? Good relationship with both parents still? Did your parents get on?