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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why if "we" need space, they get the space and we get the kids?

27 replies

Shittyendofthestick · 16/03/2015 01:32

NC and I am shit at it so there is a fair chance I wont be back on this thread with this username, but I would value opinions on this (MNHQ will confirm my longevity).

Having marital issues atm, we have agreed to live apart for a couple of weeks to think about stuff and see if we can decide what our future holds.

But the issue I have is that he gets to leave and stay with friends and I have to basically live the same life, but doing it all on my own. How are "we" getting thinking space and time?

And no, it isnt about other woman/man, I agree we need time apart to regroup and the living/work arrangements mean that shagging around isnt a possibility for either of us. Its just the assumption that he will be the one to navel gaze for a couple of weeks and I get to do....everything else.

OP posts:
Allthatnonsense · 16/03/2015 01:37

It is shit, I agree.

kickassangel · 16/03/2015 01:42

Can you not insist on a week each? Then you get time to think as well.

He may be automatically assuming that the woman will stay in the marital home with the kids, but nowadays shared residency is more normal, so taking a week out each seems more realistic.

If he just thinks that a split would be him going back to a bachelor lifestyle, I can see why you need some time without him.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 16/03/2015 01:42

You've got it better. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you have. You've got everything that matters, he's just got all-night Xbox marathons, takeaways and evenings in the pub. You've got the home, the family, the company, the comfort of the kids. You've got the GOOD stuff.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 16/03/2015 01:45

I was a single mum for 5 years. Living alone with kids is lovely! A lot easier than living with the wrong partner. You can eat simple things with them, put them to bed and have the whole ground floor to yourself, watch your favourite stuff, call your best friend/mum for hours, do crafty stuff and leave the mess all over the floor with nobody to complain, have 2-hour long bubble baths, go to bed at 7pm or 3am, take the kids out after school and stay as late as you like... It's not all bad. I have some really lovely memories.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 16/03/2015 07:02

It is unfair and I can see why you fel hard dne by tbh.
But I agree with whatsgoinon in that you actually have the better deal.
Its harder work. But you do have space from him and if the separation is not so temporary your position is stronger should You want to b the resident parent.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 16/03/2015 07:13

Sure, being alone with your kids after being with being in an unhappy marriage is great - but being alone for a bit would probably be better still.

It is shit, this baseline assumption that only a substandard mother would want or need time away from her children during martial strife.

SoupDragon · 16/03/2015 07:17

You've got the GOOD stuff.

You've also got all the crap stuff, the day to day grind and the dull necessary stuff to deal with single handedly whilst the other person dips in and does just the fun stuff.

Balaboosta · 16/03/2015 07:21

I'd say - if you are missing his input to the household, then that is a positive lesson to take from your "trial" separation. When DP walked out it made absolutely no difference to the household arrangements and function whatsoever. I did not have to rearrange a single thing. He had been having no impact on the household. I was doing it all already. I'd say if this situation bothers you, don't separate iyswim. Although oo agree it sucks. And you totally need to create some space for yourself.

Four125 · 16/03/2015 07:22

I know how you feel but if you separate permanently yours is the better deal, it takes a while to build a routine but I love being a single parent, it does get better.

Whereas he may think that watching Dave in his pants while he swigs beer without the kids around is fun but that novelty wears off pretty quickly.

TiggyOfQuirm · 16/03/2015 07:26

Why didn't you go stay with friends and let him look after the children?

Jackieharris · 16/03/2015 07:36

If you can't do the stuff on whats list with your partner around then it's not a relationship worth saving.

Can he move back in over the weekend and you go to a friends?

MorrisZapp · 16/03/2015 07:45

I agree. I often think that on threads where a poster has discovered an affair. The main thrust of advice is always boot him out.

If I ever booted my DP out my life would suddenly get much harder, as I'd be missing his input into running the show here.

Meanwhile the person who has cheating or acting like a shit or whatever gets to cool their heels and sleep when they like in a Premier Inn.
It doesn't look fair does it. Why should women have to shoulder the domestic crap as the default.

There's no right answer really is there. But I see the unfairness and I feel for you.

Georgethesecond · 16/03/2015 07:49

Well, it will give you a good idea what it would be like if you did split up- this is presumably how it would be given his mindset. So it will be valuable to you in your decision making process - you won't get any space, but you will get to trial the possible new arrangements. The arrangements in which you still won't get any space, but do you really want to play xbox in your pants?!

miniavenger · 16/03/2015 09:03

Would it work for him to have a week with friends with you at home and then vice versa? That way you both get the RP/NRP feeling, both get time apart from each other and the kids and both get some headspace?

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 09:08

Why are you accepting this set up then

don't just whinge....change it

goodnessgraciousgouda · 16/03/2015 09:11

The issue is more whoever stays in the family home maintains responsibility of caring for the children. If you are unhappy with that then suggest he stays with friends for a week and you look after the children, then reverse the situation after a week.

you simply cannot expect anybody, male or female, to leave the family home and take the kids with them whilst staying at a hotel or with friends. Its unfair on the children involved, not to mention a logistical nightmare.

Original poster
Shittyendofthestick · 16/03/2015 09:21

Think I have managed to nc back to this ID!

It isnt so much his assumption, for practical reasons this really is the only way to do it. Its everyone else!

I have mentioned it to my parents and a couple of friends and without fail they all said "Whens he moving out". Not one of them asked if I was having any time out or how we were arranging it, they all assumed he would go and I would stay and it just feels.....I dunno, in this age of so called equality it saddens me that the default is still that the men get XBox-in-their-pants and we get the domestic stuff.

As it is, I have had a think over night and have come up with a way where we both get some time out without it impacting on work for either of us. It just pissed me off I s'pose.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 09:25

glad you have sorted something that doesn't conform to other people's expectations Smile

notsolovely · 16/03/2015 09:30

I am confused. Most people would kick off if oh suggested they move out and leave the kids. Yes it is assumed by most people that the woman will remain with the kids because its usually the women that are the primary carers. Its not fair, but separation (for the most part) isn't. You seem annoyed just at the situation, which I understand. You have come up with a solution ( which I am assuming will be least impact in the kids) so put it to him. If its entirely reasonable and he point blank refuses, then fair enough be pissed off with him. Are you the kids primary carer? Did you want to move out? Or fo you just want space from him? Personally I would rather be the one in my own home with my kids.

Georgethesecond · 16/03/2015 10:50

Yes, so would I. And I am someone whose husband actually seemed to pull his weight during a twenty year relationship, left with very little warning and no discussion, and actually did buy an xbox.

HeyDuggee · 16/03/2015 10:57

If you got divorced, would he get the kids and stay in the marital house while you moved out and still paid part of the mortgage?

If you went for 50/50 residency of the kids, then speak up! Tell him he gets a week, then he moves in and does full time with the kids the 2nd week while you move out.

How do you think the kids will feel?

Eustasiavye · 16/03/2015 11:05

I agree with you op.

He should step up and take responsibility for the kids too.

Makes me sick when parents of whichever sex, feel hard done by when they cannot have the dcs for 'special occasions' of their choosing , yet do absolutely fuck all on a weekly basis.

Sethspeaks · 16/03/2015 11:06

I think a combination of both is best of all. Time at home to see how him not being around feels, so you get an insight into life with just you and the children. And then time away too, just you somewhere for some thinking and breathing space. WITH both I think you'd get more clarity.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 16/03/2015 16:58

Well, wht did you want a break from?
Each other, or your kids?
It is harder to look after chilre than to not. Of course.
And you are right really.
But poor kids (not yours specifically) always being seen as the downside, the hard bit, the short straw.

Flipchart · 16/03/2015 17:25

But poor kids (not yours specifically) always being seen as the downside, the hard bit, the short straw.

Well they can be to be fair especially if its one parent that is doing everything. It is galling when one is expected to carry on doing all the child care, domestic chores while the marriage is in crisis and one walks out for 'space'. They, as previously mentioned, get out of doing the family laundry, cleaning, meal making, checking homework is done, making beds, ironing etc etc.