friend stonewalling me in group situation

[calmseeker]

I have a friend who attends a sports club I go to most Sundays with my young son. She is friendly with another woman there and when I sit with them she sort of blanks me when talking to the other woman. I do not go and sit with them without being invited and actually get on well with the other woman. I sat with them today, along with a couple of other people and she sort of turned sideways and made no eye contact with me whilst talking to others. I like going to this club and I find it really upsetting. She is quite a reactionary person so I would find it hard to be direct to her about this.

I'd do the same to her; next time you go to the sports club make a huge point of being chatty and sociable with everyone else and just totally blank her.

I'd also blank her any other time that you see her from now on, and would stop considering her a friend....

Perhaps she's badmouthing you to her other friends, so to appear too friendly with you would make her seem two-faced? Is she nice to you away from these people?

She's either not very nice or socially awkward. I would just leaving the conversation and speak to or make other friends if this happens. 'Just going to the loo (and don't come back)'. Or else try to talk directly to other women. Don't take it personally (I know it's hard).

I know someone exactly like this. I started a thread on her last year. Look up the threads on Wendies and wendying - you're worth more!

I experienced this a few years back. At first I thought I might be imagining it but realised 'my friend' was deliberately blowing cold. I would walk over to her and a group of friends and she would walk off or turn her back. On saying hello and trying to make general banter, I would receive one word answers and a blank look. I would then see her laughing and engaging with other women in the group.

I pondered over what I could have said or done to offend her. Nothing came to mind.

It was hurtful but I learned to accept it and I continued to appear 'on the surface' friendly without 'chasing' her. I instantly felt like the more mature one.

It is school playground behaviour. A way of edging you out.

Same things happening to me just now. When everyone found out I am pregnant they have been acting really weird with me. At breaks im not getting included in conversation and when I speak i barley even get a reply. On Friday i ended up just going for a walk by myself at lunch time. Suppose some people are just really cruel when it suits them - forget your friend shes not worth getting worried over

Not trying to justify her behaviour, but do you see this friend quite often?

I only ask because I go watch my DD swim once a week and get to see a friend (friend1) there who alternates coming with her DH. I love to see her and catch up. Meanwhile, a friend (friend 2) who I see 2-3 times a week comes too. I sometimes feel awkward about speaking to Friend 1 in front of Friend 2 because i know that the news I'm repeating isn't news to her. I sometimes wish I could go sit alone with Friend 1 so I don't feel as though everything is a re-hash.

I wouldn't be rude to Friend 2 though! But perhaps I am angled a little more to Friend 1 on these evenings.
Just trying to give a different side of the problem. It could be as simple as that.

Yes it is hurtful. I see stonewalling a person as a passive sort of bullying.

It has become slightly more complicated because now my child who is open, friendly and sociable is being excluded by the friend and other person's children. Normally the children play around in the sports centre (which has an enclosed playground etc) whilst the parents socialise. He is less keen to go there now as he says these children are running away from him. He is popular and outgoing so this sort of issue is a rarity with him.

The friend has invited me to her child's birthday next month, which is going to be an outdoor picnic (and I would imagine very informal) frankly I don't want to put myself through another stonewalling scenario and am loathed to have my child protesting (which he will do loudly) if he is excluded in this sort of manner at a birthday party.

I saw this from the other side when we moved here.

A woman a few houses down introduced herself in the corner shop. We did already vaguely know each other because our sons were in the same class at primary school. We chatted for a while and would stop for a quick word when we saw each other. I'd see her about with another woman sometimes so assumed they were friends.

Once I saw them together in the town and the woman I knew stopped to chat. I waited for her to introduce her friend but she totally ignored her presence. After a couple of minutes I introduced myself to her friend who was looking rather embarrassed and tried to involve her in the conversation. The first woman just ignored her or gave one word answers before turning back to me.

It was cringe making and I've tried to avoid the first woman ever since. I can only assume the woman has an A list and B list of acquaintances and I'd been put on the A list and the other woman was a B.

Whatever her reasons she isn't a woman I'd want for a friend.

Thanks will look at Wendies and Wendying

For a start, I would stop sitting with her and having a coffee at the sports centre. Just go and do your thing and then leave. You can always say you need to get back as you've got a busy day (put a paper bag over DS's head to hide the confused expression).

Then I would take a step back from her. She doesn't sound like a 'friend'.

She doesn't sound like a friend, she sounds like she'll speak to you if it suits you and moan about you if not. If your child is being exclude by hers and then others as a result then it sounds like he's a chip off the old block, you know exactly where the childs behaviour comes from.

I'd ignore her tbh, focus on other people and just act like she holds no interest for you. I'd urge you son to find other friends. Don't send him to the party, from the sounds of things he may just be there as the 'butt' and for laughs and you will be ignored.

How long have you been friends with this woman? How close are/were you?

Mythical Kings - I've been that second friend! I had a 'friend' like the first woman. I'd be chatting with her (we were allegedly very good friends) but if we ever bumped into anyone else that she knew she'd be off chatting to them and totally ignoring me. On some occasions she would even just walk off completely and leave me standing. Took me ages to realise how awful she was, she turned out to be really toxic. For ages I just thought I was so boring that even my friends weren't interested in me. It's a good friendship red flag.

Op - I guess it is possible that she doesn't see the other person very often and sees you a lot but it would still be rude to stonewall you, and the behaviour with your son is not fair. I'd distance myself a bit if I were you. I wouldn't go to the party, it doesn't sound like your son will enjoy it much.

OP I wouldn't take your DS to that party, no way!

I've been through this myself. It's unpleasant being ignored by a person who should know better. I've learned to just keep my self to myself.

Easier to identify true friends that way.

Thanks yes I will give the party a miss. I haven't and won't mention it to my son.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me, I'd be backing away - although I appreciate that might be easier said than done. At the very least, I'd be less friendly and inclusive towards her, but keeping it light and civil.

Are you sitting/standing roughly in a circle? Id put myself directly across from her so she couldnt block me from the others and would also have to keep twisting to talk to people while blanking me :p

Yes it's PA bullying and I wouldn't use the word 'friend' to describe her. I'd put some space between you and her.

Usually sitting in a circle. I could do that but would feel uncomfortable and she would probably just move. It is very hurtful to be honest (and I know this may sound odd) I had some really good times with her and her children.I find this behaviour awful but I do recognise her good points. I have had issues with her behaviour before and I suppose I am seeing this as a deal breaker.

In which case avoid her. She sounds like her toxic side is over-riding her good points.

Poor you, it's awful isn't it? Some people are awful. Your focus is your family and child. Keep out if their/ her silly childhood games and you'll feel better. They don't deserve your friendship as you sound lovely. Also, I would be smiley and honest too, eg.
Oh, why aren't you coming to picnic?
Oh I just feel a bit uncomfortable sometimes being ignored and not it's happening regularly to my chords and I'm not putting them through it!
Got to be brave tho but can be fun ??x

#now
#children

Sorry xxx

Not excusing it, but I was talking to my dc about how awkward I feel with 2 different groups of friends mixed up.
I know some people love to be surrounded by all their friends, but I much prefer one to one. Or one group of friends, I hate being the one who knows both groups.

I wouldn't ignore one set of friends in that situation btw, but I can understand how someone may just be terribly awkward about it.

I suppose though others might think I'm rude because if they're already with a friend that I don't know, I would generally choose to sit elsewhere unless invited to join them, because I don't want to butt in. But thinking about it I'm seeing my feelings on them, and they may feel I deliberately ignoring them. 'Tis difficult.

Could you ask her? Either alone or at the time it's happening.

"Is everything alright Wendy? Only I've noticed you seem to be blocking me from conversation at the sports group?"

If she says she's not, and she will more than likely say you've imagined it, that's the time to bring it up again when you are at the group.

"Wendy, this is what I meant the other day, you seem to be contorting yourself to avoid looking at me and you've hardly said a word to me all day."

Or possibly if you don't want to come right out with it "Is something wrong with your neck Wendy? Because you seem to be hunched over at a very odd angle. I'm starting to think you're trying to avoid looking at me haha. Shall I move so you can see me, would that make you more comfortable?"

Then every single week that follows and she does it, ask her if her bad neck is playing up again and should you all move so she can see you all. If she denies the bad neck just say "Oh, your neck's fine, well it must be me you're avoiding then haha. Budge up then so we can all join in, I'm starting to feel like billy no mates over here."

I realise that's not as easy as it sounds, but if you feel brave enough to have a go it might just throw a spanner in the works of whatever it is she's up to.

Also, if she is Wendying you, you either won't be the first or you won't be the last. Keep your eyes and ears open because eventually you will find out about her doing it to somebody else as well.