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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to leave this wedding?

71 replies

Beatrixemerald · 15/03/2015 22:33

I am feeling really guilty, left a wedding this weekend as dd (8months) wouldn't settle and was screaming with teething pain down the phone when my mum called.
It was the first time we have left her in the evening and it is just bad timing as top two teeth are coming through.
We ended up leaving between the starter and main course around 8pm after my mum had called because she just couldn't calm her down and she never really cried.
We didnt even get to say goodbye as everyone was up dancing as we left.
Feeling really worried that the b+g will be pissed off with us!

OP posts:

AvaCrowder · 16/03/2015 00:59

Because if grandma was happy looking after baby I can't see why she would haul them out of the wedding.

sandgrown · 16/03/2015 01:02

If baby has never been left before and is not feeling well she probably wanted her mum. She is also at the age where they often become clingy. OP Mum probably tried all she could before calling OP. I once stepped in as an emergency sitter for friend's daughter but I was virtually a stranger to her toddler. He cried from the minute she left and we tried everything to amuse him. In the end I just had to sit him on my knee and ignore the crying. I was willing her to come home . She was an hour late and I was counting the minutes because I had run out of ideas!

IrmaGuard · 16/03/2015 01:16

Rude to interrupt the dancing? Was this some sort of non stop danceathon between courses?

stolemyusername · 16/03/2015 01:28

I think you're over thinking it. Baby wanted mum, BG happily dancing so off you go. I would have told someone sitting at your table so they could pass the message on if BG asked, follow up with text/call in the next few days.

musicalendorphins2 · 16/03/2015 03:17

I am sure they will understand.

Once you arrived home, was your baby still awake and crying, were you able to settle her?

FatSwan · 16/03/2015 03:32

I doubt the bride and groom's wedding day was ruined because 2 guests left without saying goodbye.

And the OP's mum isn't on trial, is she?

Just text/email the couple to apologize, but I'd be willing to bet it'll be a non-issue.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/03/2015 03:33

No YWNBU.
I would have probably done the same in your position.

The B&G might get the hump a little, but once you've explained that you couldn't get to them to say goodbye, I'm sure they won't mind that much - and if they do, well wait until they have their PFB and they'll get around to understanding then.

Caravanoflove · 16/03/2015 08:02

YANBU
I have done the same. My mum died when I was pregnant so my dad babysat dd when she was 8 months so we could go to a wedding. He rang at 8pm asking us to come home as dd wouldn't stop crying. She was exclusively BF and wouldn't take the bottle. I went, no one batted an eye lid.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 16/03/2015 10:13

Your baby was really unhappy and with teething pain and being left for the first time probably just really wanted her mum.

If the bride and groom were dancing in the middle of 100 people I doubt they gave two hoots whether you left early!

Would anyone really expect you to prioritize being a face in a sea of 100 faces over their baby who wants only them?

I would contact the bride and groom to say you had a lovely time but unfortunately had to leave when your babysitter asked you to come home, so you didn't have a chance to say goodbye (no need to say when as they probably didn't notice, but in case they did).

I absolutely think it is more polite to slip away at a large wedding rather than push to the middle of the dancing and interrupt the bride and groom to announce your departure.

And it sounds like this meal could have gone on for hoooooours, too long to leave your baby unhappy and your mum struggling.

And btw the grandma was doing them a favour, she was not advertising her services as a hot shot Nanny and so if she is struggling it is entirely reasonable to ask the parents to come home.

Baddz · 16/03/2015 10:16

Honestly?
They probably didn't even notice you had gone!
You did the right thing.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 16/03/2015 10:17

I have looked after family babies many times, sometimes you can't calm them down and you lie when you see them and say 'oh she settled fine'.

It is comments like this that make me nervous about using babysitters! I would much rather know if my baby had been unhappy, I wouldn't keep leaving them in an unhappy situation if there was another option, or a way to make it easier for them.

Bunbaker · 16/03/2015 10:22

"The baby may have been inconsolable because she simply wanted her mum. Add teething into the mix and you have a very unhappy baby. If the OP's mum hasn't had much experience with the baby then the baby is effectively being looked after by a stranger as far as they a

This.

Clearly there are some mumsnetters on here who have a magical touch with babies and are always able to console a hysterical baby. If I was baby sitting and had done everything I could to calm an inconsolable baby but was unsuccessful I would want to contact the mother as well.

MrsMook · 16/03/2015 10:38

You did the right thing. You had an unhappy baby and babysitter that needed you. The bride and groom were happy and busy.

My BM was pregnant when I got married. I vaguely noticed that she disappeared after the meal. I didn't twig that her husband had also gone for a lie down and disappeared for the night.

The only really awkward departure would be someone on the top table during the meal/ speeches, and that doesn't apply.

Icimoi · 16/03/2015 10:46

I don't get why both of you had to go? If it was only 30 minutes away, wouldn't it have been simplest for one of you to jump in a taxi? And couldn't you have waited a few minutes till the B and G stopped dancing?

Behindthepaintedgarden · 16/03/2015 10:55

People are being very unfair to the OPs mum. Sometimes a baby will just become so inconsolable for their mother that absolutely nothing else will do. If you know the mother is going to be back in an hour or so you can manage. But if they're not going to be back for hours and the baby is crying themselves into a fit then yes, sometimes you might just have to ring the mother to come home. I'm sure OP's mother tried everything she could think of before giving up.

FanFuckingTastic · 16/03/2015 11:22

I've looked after a clingy baby when mum really needed me to, and it was a long long day full of feeling like a miserable failure with the never stopping crying. If I had been able to call the mum to come take her miserable child, I would have, but this lady was doing some training for work, so I had to power through it and endure this baby crying all day, trying everything to comfort her, and failing miserably. It's awful not being able to comfort a baby, you feel like a poor excuse for a babysitter.

Clockingoff · 16/03/2015 11:59

I've looked after babies who made strange at me because they weren't feeling well, woke up during the night expecting to see their mother, or just weren't used to being left.
It's very stressful and upsetting. You feel like you're some kind of monster, upsetting and frightening a distraught baby, simply because you're not their mother. While I've never had to call a mother to come home, I can see how it could happen.

Squitten · 16/03/2015 12:08

It happens. Me and DH took baby DD to one of my oldest friends' wedding last year (fully BF at that point so couldn't leave her behind). Dinner was fine and I got her to sleep in her buggy. Perfect.

Then the band started. She started screaming immediately and she would not calm down at all. After DH spent time walking her around outside to no avail, we just had to go. I didn't interrupt the bride & groom either, just left our gift and slipped out. No harm done!

The bride & groom probably didn't even notice OP - don't worry about it!

GoringBit · 16/03/2015 12:28

Is it me, or is there a lot of needless unpleasantness on MN recently?

OP, ignore the massively unhelpful comments about your DM. I suggest you make contact with the B&G - maybe a small thank you card with a brief note to explain, and to wish them well. No OMG dramaz, no fuss, and all being well, no harm done.

Mamus · 16/03/2015 12:34

YANBU at all! Your mum (who was also NBU, not that you asked but given some of the comments here it seems to need saying...) called three times wanting you to come back to your baby, what on earth else were you supposed to do? Imagine the responses you'd get here if you posted "I was caring for someone else's child, who became inconsolable, I was really worried, I called asking the parents to come back and they refused because they were at a wedding reception and thought leaving might seem rude". There'd be pages and pages of denunciations of the appalling parents.

If the b&g are cross about this, if they even noticed it, they probably aren't worth pursuing a friendship with.

wannaBe · 16/03/2015 12:52

ultimately it was only a wedding and the baby was distressed. When my sil got married we were supposed to stay overnight and take my ds (then ten months) with us, but the night before he became ill, so we left him with my mum while my dad drove us to the wedding and then picked us up again later so ds wouldn't be without me overnight.

My mum had to endure him sobbing himself to sleep before I got home It's never nice to have to listen to someone else's baby cry because all they want is mummy.

I would have left, and given there were hundreds of people I wouldn't have made a big deal of leaving.

And while generally it's great to get a babysitter, ultimately, if your child is that distressed then sometimes you have to leave an event. This is life when you become a parent....

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