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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you just don't say this?

28 replies

WatchOutForGoblins · 15/03/2015 21:53

We had a family day out yesterday. Ds has asd and ADHD. We were at a busy place and it was near closing time. Despite arriving later in the day ds was reaching his limit, and apart from a few moments, had been coping quite well.

So we went to the last exhibition stall where the dc could dress up. Ds was doing the classic not looking at the person speaking and had limited facial expressions. I don't think he would have said more than a sentence the whole time at the stall. Anyway, we did the photo thing then the man running the stall helped dc out of his chain mail. (It was very heavy)

He then said to ds "you don't enjoy life much, do you mate?" Presumably as ds had not smiled or spoken. I then turned to the man and said "he is autistic! you ignorant idiot" (we even had priority stickers on our lanyards which alerted the stall holders to visitors with additional needs)

AIBU that you just don't say that sort of thing to a child? So many disabilities are hidden and even if there are no disabilities involved it just isn't a nice thing to say to a child?

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchOutForGoblins · 15/03/2015 21:54

Strikeout fail!

OP posts:
victoryinthekitchen · 15/03/2015 22:07

it was a stupid thing of him to say, some people don't think before they speak.

PenelopePitstops · 15/03/2015 22:10

Hm it was probably a light hearted comment by the man to engage with your ds. He probably feels awful right now about saying it.

I would try and suck it up and move on. Understandable for you to be upset but hopefully it has given the man some food for thought.

AntiHop · 15/03/2015 22:13

Yanbu. Some people need to think before they speak.

MrsFlannel · 15/03/2015 22:15

Well done! I am SO glad you spoke up! The stupid fool! Have you complained? You need to!

MyHaloIsChokingMe · 15/03/2015 22:17

Some people don't understand additional needs. I can understand why the stall holder annoyed you though. Did he reply when you called him an ignorant idiot? It's not the way I would have spoken to someone. I'd have responded "he's autistic" which would probably have been enough for him to understand his error.

Samcro · 15/03/2015 22:18

well he was in the wrong job

MrsFlannel · 15/03/2015 22:19

I am sure the OP was extremely hurt that this fool said such a mean thing to a child. Her son is autistic....he understands what this man said and it WAS a singularly mean thing to say. Had he said "Give us a smile then mate!" that is a positive thing to say at least...but to say "You don't enjoy life much" to a CHILD! Disgusting.

MrsFlannel · 15/03/2015 22:20

Anyway OP didn't call him an ignorant fool She said that was a strikeout fail. She THOUGHT it.

Galvanized · 15/03/2015 22:20

Even a shy NT kid might have taken that badly to heart. you should complain as its not a nice thing for him to have said. Yanbu at all.

Original poster
WatchOutForGoblins · 15/03/2015 22:21

I felt a bit Blush as well as angry tbh. It is the first time I have spoken up rather than just ignored or glared or been embarrassed and made excuses. But the whole day was ruined somewhat by the organisation of t he event.

Like I said we had priority passes but they were for the shows not the stall so anything the dc wanted to do we had to wait for, which is fine for an nt child but fast passes are designed specifically for this dc not able to wait. So we walked away from a lot because the wait was too long. So ds was fizzing about that. Then we asked what time a show was on, to be told half past. We returned at twenty five past to line up and they had already started! It was the last of the day so dc missed out on that too. In fact, we queued up a number if times only to miss the cut off point and ended up missing pretty much everything. There were some stalls with no wait and all the dc ended up having a goid day but it was very stressful!

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchOutForGoblins · 15/03/2015 22:22

I didn't call him that, I just thought it. I said "he is autistic!!" Then bundled up the dc and walked away.

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchOutForGoblins · 15/03/2015 22:24

To clarify, the show had started as 'everybody turned up early'. Well, clearly not! Tell an asd child we can watch that at half past to then be turned away again only adds to his distress!

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 15/03/2015 22:27

YANBU at all. Horrible thing to say to anyone, especially a child. Expect it was thoughtless rather than deliberately stupid but v v nasty.

Flipchart · 15/03/2015 22:30

Ok he worded something badly, I get that but remember you are living with your child's autism day in day out, you may know other families who are in the same boat as you so autism is ' normal' to you However there are many many people especially older people who are not that familiar with autism and special needs. Until I got the job that I am currently doing I had no expierence or expectation of a lot of autism, ADHD Or general learning disability.
For many people on their first sighting of a child who hasn't got an appearance of a disability they wouldn't necessary assume they have autism.

SallyMcgally · 15/03/2015 22:43

But it's still a nasty thing to say to anyone, not just an autistic child and not just a child. The OP's right - you just don't say it. What's the scenario when you're going to make anyone's day better with that?

Flipchart · 15/03/2015 22:46

I think a lot depends not on wht he said but how he said tbh.

It doesn't sound great written down admittedly but I think tone and body language make a huge difference to how it was meant to come out.

SallyMcgally · 15/03/2015 22:47

Yes - I see that. That's a fair point.

Flipchart · 15/03/2015 22:51

Also, I'm one of these people, I say something but totally get tongue tied and the wrong thing comes out. Years ago I would bluster my way through with loads of embarrassed apologies ( think of Hugh Grant in virtually any film he has acted in) and things sounded 10x worse.
I've learned to stop blabbing on. Maybe this guy just said some words and it didn't sound the way he meant.

TheNoodlesIncident · 15/03/2015 22:55

A man running a fairground ride said "Cheer up Smiler" to my DS and pinched his cheek.

It's the effect on the parents really. Who wants to hear those kind of remarks aimed at your beloved child?

Samcro · 15/03/2015 22:56

this is a man running a stall
he should be able to communicate with all.

Original poster
WatchOutForGoblins · 15/03/2015 22:58

It wasn't said in a jokey laugh-y way. It was more an observation, so no real tone as such. No idea on the body language as I was helping other dc undress at the time.

And, yes, I mean you don't say that to anyone. It just is a horrid thing to say.

OP posts:
Monkey533 · 15/03/2015 23:07

I think thats not the best thing to say to a child regardless. Like all people, my boys have good days and bad. And they have good moments and bad. Unforutunately, when they are in a bad moment, they don't have the capacity to understand that it will pass in 15 minutes, or even after a good night's sleep.

So yeah, not the best thing to say to a child. Or actually, anyone really. I have days when I walk around with a scowl on my face and can't imagine the cheek of some ass saying that to me. Anyway, he probably thought he was being friendly but what a stupid thing to say. I imagine he regrets it now and will think before speaking next time.

Sorry OP. Shitty end to the day :( x

SallyMcgally · 15/03/2015 23:08

Well then he's an arse OP. Sorry you and your son had to put up with his unpleasant ignorance.

DoJo · 15/03/2015 23:08

He was rude and that was a thoughtless thing to say, but I also think it might be worth trying to pre-empt this kind of situation if someone is repeatedly trying, and failing, to engage with your child. I understand that you might not feel like 'explaining' his behaviour or divulging his diagnosis, but when someone is making an effort to interact it can feel really awkward to be an adult who is being completely ignored or failing to get any response.

I have, in the past, been chatting away to a child and asking questions etc which are going completely ignored, and been really grateful if their parent has said something along the lines of 'he/she doesn't talk much - he/she has ASD' or similar, because it allows you to adjust your approach and sort of 'fill in' a bit more rather than desperately trying to find something which will pique their interest or garner a response.

I hope that doesn't sound as though I am blaming you - I really am not, just offering a view from the other side of this sort of situation (although I would never make a negative comment about a child - that is unforgivable!) as someone who has some experience of children with ASD but only from encounters with those whose parents have shared their diagnosis.