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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know she means well, but I need MIL to stop this...

29 replies

SurlyCoup · 15/03/2015 15:59

I posted something on my FB wall about sending hugs to those who are having a hard time this Mothers Day. My mum died a few years ago, and I'm finding today really tough myself.

A few people have commented on it, generally sending love, which is lovely. MIL has also commented, saying that she's remembering my mum and also that she's "thinking of you today, daughter-in-law". This isn't a one off, it happens not infrequently (she said something to me at my mum's funeral about her taking my mum's place now - it was clumsily worded, I think, but it upset me horribly) and it's really starting to get to me.

I know she means well but I hate it. She's trying to be comforting, and reminding me that now my mum's gone I've still got her to fill the 'motherly' role. I love MIL, but she's not my mum and she never will be and I don't even want her to be.

WIBU to ask DH to say something to her? I don't want to upset her, particularly when she trying to be kind. I'm feeling fragile today, so I might well be being unreasonable, but I really need her to stop this. I don't want to hurt her feelings at all, and I know that she's coming from a good place, but she makes already difficult days even rawer with these references to her 'replacing' my mum. If she had written "Thinking of your mum, and you too, SurlyCoup xxx" that would have been lovely, it's the daughter-in-law stuff that I find hard to deal with.

OP posts:
WorkingBling · 15/03/2015 16:04

But you are her dil? Sorry, I think yabu as I did not read that fb message as a way to say that she wants to replace your mother. I read it as a way to say you are special to her and she is thinking of you.

Original poster
SurlyCoup · 15/03/2015 16:07

It's more that I understood it in the context of similar comments previously. Particularly the one from the funeral, when she said that she can fill the role for me now.

Again, I love her and I am grateful that she cares. I probably am being oversensitive.

OP posts:
Eternity48 · 15/03/2015 16:07

It's understandable that you're feeling upset and emotional Thanks

However I do think that your MIL has only expressed words of compassion.

SocialMediaAddict · 15/03/2015 16:07

I read it as she was being caring and trying to comfort you. You are her daughter in law and the relationship is important to her.

JeanSeberg · 15/03/2015 16:07

I don't see anything in that - she's saying she's remembering your mum and thinking of you too. That's nice surely?

SocialMediaAddict · 15/03/2015 16:07

Ps. Sorry for your loss.

annielouise · 15/03/2015 16:07

Sorry about your mum but I think you'd be making a mistake to say something. These things can't come up that often. Hide her on FB if necessary. Anyway, she said daughter-in-law, not daughter. If she'd said you're my daughter now it would be different. You also "think" she said something clumsy about "replacing" your mother. I doubt she said anything about "replacing" her as that's a very strong, strange and confrontational word to use. It sounds like she's trying to be family. Of course, she's not going to replace your mother, all she's saying is you've got her still. You can set the tone of the relationship. If you don't want the motherly aspect from her don't reject those types of things and just keep it friendly and neutral. It is possibly though for her to fill a motherly type role without replacing your mother, to what degree will be for your to decide how comfortable you are with it.

TheWitTank · 15/03/2015 16:09

Sorry for your loss Flowers

But honestly, I think you are over thinking this. You are her DIL. It was a nice message. I don't see anything in it that indicates her replacing your mum is on the agenda. She wouldn't have written DIL surely if she had?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 16:09

Need her to stop what? Being nice? Acknowledging that you've lost your mother? Sending you kind thoughts? You're being very unkind to the poor woman- she sounds lovely.

Pancakeflipper · 15/03/2015 16:10

I am sorry you are feeling crap today.

But I don't see anything but tenderness in that message to you. I don't see her trying to replace just letting you know you have a family who is thinking of you and cares. But there could be a backstory to this.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 15/03/2015 16:11

I think she means well but she clumsily worded what she said at the funeral where I imagine she just wanted to convey that she would be there for you if needed as a source of support. I understand why it upset you but I don't think she meant she would replace your mum.

The Facebook message seems quite nice on the face of it but understandably you are very sensitive to her messages now. Flowers today is a very hard day for anyone who has lost their mum.

If you can I'd let it go, I think she'd be horrified to know she'd upset you, I think she just wants to be supportive.

Nolim · 15/03/2015 16:11

There may be a masive backstory here but for me it is just a facebook message, you dont even have to ret.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 15/03/2015 16:11

I think your MiL is being really lovely, and trying to express her support to you, and letting you know how valued you are as a DiL.

I really don't think you or your DH should say anything. I'm not sure why it's the DiL part which is upsetting you. Your are her DiL…she's just trying to be loving.

I think YABU, but you are feeling sensitive and fragile. You're lucky to have MiL who cares so much and is trying to get it right.

DianeLockhart · 15/03/2015 16:11

I dont want to say yabu as it's clear you're upset and I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't think your mil has done wrong though.

Original poster
SurlyCoup · 15/03/2015 16:12

Ok, thanks all. I am BU Smile. I will count my blessings.

OP posts:
flora717 · 15/03/2015 16:12

In the nicest way. I think you're understandably being defensive on behalf of your mum/ loyal to her memory. Your grief must be huge.
She wants to be there for you. She KNOWS (I am sure) she cannot replace your mum. She wants to protect/ comfort and support you at the moment. Today must be truly painful.
In a few weeks maybe reflect on how you'd like her to support you and then direct her towards those things.
In the meantime, sorry for your loss and for how raw those feelings must be for you today Flowers

Quitelikely · 15/03/2015 16:15

Glad you're going to count your blessings.

She's only trying to be kind. Honestly I've read a lot on these boards about MiLs and yours is a rare type!

Enjoy her Smile

PtolemysNeedle · 15/03/2015 16:16

I can completely see where you're coming from, but it is never a good idea to rebuff an act of love and kindness directed at you.

I'm glad you've realised you may be BU, and that you say you know she means well. It sounds like she really does mean well, so try and remember that.

darkandlight · 15/03/2015 16:18

I had something very similar from MIL, wound me up badly ...turned out that what she very clumsily meant was...
How lucky I am to have you in my family
I love you
I think of you as a daughter
Please feel free to have the same kind of expectations of me as if I was a close blood relative
I was Blush
She has turned out to be one of the most enduring and understanding ...friendships? I have made as an adult....but she isn't, and didn't want to be my mum...but how do you say that..its so complicated.....
I really hope this is what you MIL wants..not to step into your mums place

Whoishillgirl · 15/03/2015 16:18

I think I can see a little bit where you are coming from. I come from an odd family and have never had the strong sense of family relations or bonds that others do. My FiL has a strong sense of family and regards me as part of the family. I do feel a bit uncomfortable with this. Especially since MIL died he will sometimes hold my hand whilst we talk which I feel very uncomfortable with as my family were no physical contact with me from a quite young age. So I understand feeling uncomfortable with in laws wanting a level of intimacy greater than oneself wants, even if my reasons are very different from yours. Still I would never say anything to FIL as his heart is good and if I did say anything it would leave an unrepairable mark on our relationship. And when I read the toxic in law relations others have I know I am very lucky.

FishWithABicycle · 15/03/2015 16:18

So sorry for your loss. Today can be so very painful for so many people.
You're right that she means well. I don't think there's anything she could say to you that wouldn't remind you of your loss. I don't think there's anything you could say to her about how it makes you feel that wouldn't feel like a slap in the face to her, so if you can manage to, try to accept her good wishes in the kind and sympathetic spirit in which they were intended.

drudgetrudy · 15/03/2015 16:19

I don't know what else she has said but I think the comments on facebook were kindly meant.
I'm sorry you are missing your Mum today, you are most likely feeling very sensitive but I think what your MIL said was nice.

Messygirl · 15/03/2015 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NatalieMc82 · 15/03/2015 16:23

Fwiw I don't think anything you are feeling today is unreasonable.. I think there are a lot of us around who find mothers day extremely difficult.. However I've decided not to confront the person who has upset me today when I'm feeling so raw.. Maybe you could do the same and look at the situation from a fresh perspective in a few days? For today just accept the love and comfort you can from your dh and friends.. Condolences also for your loss. x

Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2015 16:27

I understand this is a tough day for you Flowers. You are her daughter in law, next time say something to her in a tactful way, that you only have one mother, and prefer it that way.