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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset I've passed my bad health to my children

29 replies

BigamusButticus · 14/03/2015 14:59

Name changing regular here

One of my dc is currently crying into the arms of their dad in their bedroom struggling with their first migraine. They're 9.

I feel so guilty about this because they come from me. I just want to take it all away from them and stop the pain.

OP posts:

wfrances · 14/03/2015 15:04

i know how you feel
my ds 11 has just been dx with migraines too.
his as so severe ,he needed a lumbar puncture ,cat scan and a hospital stay.
hes now only daily meds for them.

Boreoff456 · 14/03/2015 15:04

Yanbu we all pass on some stuff. Some good, some not so good. I know its awful, but you cope and she will too. My dd gets migraines. Neither me or dh do. The nearest related person that does is my auntie. I don't blame her. Its entirely possible she would have suffered with them, even if you didn't. Hope she recovers soon.

Juniper44 · 14/03/2015 15:32

Migraines are pretty common at 9. It might just be coincidence, rather than an inherited disorder.

I feel the same way about my dd having asthma and allergies, but then motherhood does seem to be one long bout of guilt!

RandomNPC · 14/03/2015 16:07

I sometimes feel like this about MH problems. The thing is, if it has a hereditary aspect, you would have inherited it from someone else. This didn't start with you. It's not your fault.

ifgrandmahadawilly · 14/03/2015 16:33

YANBU to be upset. YABU to blame yourself.

Original poster

BigamusButticus · 14/03/2015 22:28

Thank you for being so kind

OP posts:

OddBodkins · 14/03/2015 22:31

It's horrible isn't it? Ds suffers from terrible migraines but I should Dd that since having accupuncture they are down to perhaps one every 6 weeks instead of every 10 days. Might be worth a try?

ghostyslovesheep · 14/03/2015 22:34

don't be upset xxx mine have my dodgy thyroid - dd1 aged 12, bad tum - dd2 aged 10 and vile temper - dd3 aged 6!

seriously it may just be rotten bad luck rather than inherited - parenthood comes with enough guilt as it is xxx

PacificDogwood · 14/03/2015 22:34

I've passed on a chromosomal abnormality to one of my DSs. And short-sightedness to another. One of these problems I inherited from my DF, the other one from my DM.

I agree, it would be nice if could all choose our parents v carefully

It IS horrible to witness any of our children suffering, but you do know, really, that her migraine is NOT your fault?

Hope she feels better v soon

ghostyslovesheep · 14/03/2015 22:35

oh and thanks to my parents they also have a double dose of inherited bad cholesterol and angina xxxx

notnaice · 14/03/2015 22:39

If it's their first migraine, how do you know it's a migraine and not just a bad headache because they are ill with a bug?

Charlotte3333 · 14/03/2015 22:42

DS1 has migraines, I had never considered that they were my fault although I know they're hereditary. He also inherited dodgy tonsils and dreadful hearing from me, and has had several painful operations for each to try and remedy them. So, really, you're not a terrible parent at all.

It's awful seeing you child in pain, especially when you can't physically do anything to ease it for them. Hope she feels better soon.

ahbollocks · 14/03/2015 22:43

Dont be so down on yourself :) they will have gotten lovely traits too from you- kindness, sense of humour, taste in music.
Fwiw I have had 2 migraines my entire life, one at 9 and one at 11. Couldnt see, couldnt move, projectile vomiting, never had a whiff of one since!
chin up

Original poster

BigamusButticus · 15/03/2015 03:12

Thank you. It's a hard one to process really.

We know it's a migraine partly because they got some aura of flashing lights and dizziness and partly because we took them to the walk in centre to be checked out

OP posts:

Ludoole · 15/03/2015 04:04

My genes consist of Alzheimer's, diabetes, heart disease and multiple forms of cancer....
You ANBU to feel upset but it is NOT your fault. Hope the migraine disappears quickly x

CallMeExhausted · 15/03/2015 04:28

I have passed a fatal disease to my children. I have lost one already, one is in the care of the palliative team and the third is holding his own right now, but certainly has his challenges.

It is the gift that keeps on giving (and it came just from me - I have it in a less severe presentation but am progressing myself). I hate that it exists, but I cannot blame myself - the diagnosis did not Finally come until my youngest was 4 years old.

shebird · 15/03/2015 06:55

Don't be hard on yourself. At least as a fellow sufferer you can sympathise and help you DC. Are there certain triggers like food or stress that can be managed? My DM and sister suffered from migraines. DM was later diagnosed as coeliac and found out one of the symptoms is actually migraine. We then found out that 2 of my sisters were also coeliac and following a GF diet has dramatically improved the frequency of migraines. Mum feels guilty that she has passed this on but chances are her parents passed it to her without ever knowing.

Stillyummy · 15/03/2015 07:03

I have a friend that passed on chrones disease. She beets herself up but doesn't seem to realise she also passed on being smart, cairing, funny and beautiful. Everyone has some things they wish they hadent but as she said, your in the best position to help them manage the condition as you get it too.

OneHandFlapping · 15/03/2015 07:07

Callme

PacificDogwood · 15/03/2015 07:15

thatsucks · 15/03/2015 07:17

Callme I'm so sorry . Have you got your own thread on here for support?

samithesausage · 15/03/2015 08:25

yanbu to be upset and {{{hugs}}}. I didn't get my first migraine until I was in my 30s. (It's passed on, and occurs in your 30s in my family). My dad was panicking thinking I was having a stroke and it was all his fault. I don't blame him, I just get on with it. I've passed on autism to 2 of my boys as well (I have aspergers). I feel guilty sometimes, but they seem to take it in their stride.

januaryblues11 · 15/03/2015 18:28

YANBU. my ds has inherited a rare bone disorder from me. I can feel the bumps on his back when I cuddle him. I know how you feel.

mytartanscarf · 15/03/2015 18:30

I bet you've passed onto them good looks, intelligence and lots of other good stuff too

DontOpenDeadInside · 15/03/2015 18:41

Dd1 is 11 and has inherited short-sightedness from me. She has just had an eye test and is -3.50, I am -4.50 so gawd only knows how bad her eyes are going to get bless her. Chances are d2 and 3 will need glasses too. Thankfully my mams side have longetivity (sp) and very little cancer (thats not self inflicted) so they will hopefully live long lives. Just they won't be able to see it ;)

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