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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you have ever had a frenemy?

27 replies

lakeygirl · 14/03/2015 14:51

I had a frenemy a few years ago. I distanced myself from her, which she didn't like, and it resulted in her having a massive go at me and me telling her never to contact me again.

I thought I was being very selective and careful in my choice of friends since then, but I have realised in the past few months that I seem to have got myself yet another frenemy.

Frenemy 2 seems nice on the surface, and a bit ditzy and scatty, but actually is making more and more cutting remarks, or nasty little stings dressed up as compliments, and it's making me uncomfortable. I have also found that she has said things about me to other friends, and she has also bumped into my teenage DD recently and said that DD could always go to her if I'm not being a nice mum!! Plus she is very draining and talks repeatedly about herself and how busy she is and a has constant non-problems that she wants to talk about all the time.

So, once again I am having to distance myself from a frenemy. I think I attract them as I'm chatty and nice, and they probably see me as an easy target.

Has anyone else had a frenemy and if so how did you ditch them as a friend?

OP posts:
finnbarrcar · 14/03/2015 15:00

We've probably all had people like this in our life. At least you've spotted the problem before you're very involved with the person.

You just stop engaging with them. Don't reply to texts, when they phone you be very vague and say you're busy and "have to go", they eventually get fed up and move on to some other poor sap.

velourvoyageur · 14/03/2015 15:31

My best friend in secondary was like this to a lot of our mutual friends. Not to me, I suspect cos she knew I knew her too well & could see right through her. Part of her image was that she was supposed to be ditsy and a bit innocent (she wasn't, she was very people-smart) and therefore you had to let her get away with some of the frankly nasty stuff she said. I did tackle her on it sometimes but she grew out of it eventually.

I loved her- she was one of the funnest, generous and most original people I've met- but she wasn't sweet or all that nice sometimes.

derxa · 14/03/2015 17:01

I've had several frenemies throughout my life and it always ends very badly. Usually I cut off all contact after years of abuse. I am free of them now and have good antennae to spot the fuckers.
Dx

CunningCat · 14/03/2015 17:27

"Cutting remarks, or nasty little stings dressed as compliments". The classic jelly fish stings!!! Step away now!!!

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 14/03/2015 17:33

My SiL was my frienemy. Pretty sure she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She certainly ticks all of the boxes.

We're no contact now. Haven't called or text her in nearly a year.

Saw her over Christmas and she was her usual self but I just laughed at her.

Jessica147 · 14/03/2015 17:34

I had a frenemy at uni. I just stopped responding to her texts and was absolutely no more than civil when we saw each other - answering questions politely but minimally and never asking about her.

Charlotte3333 · 14/03/2015 17:40

I had one, she said something pretty vile about DS1 to her son last year. I distanced myself and DS1 and she took it quite badly. She's still present in our lives (on the very periphery) and does the barbed comments if she possibly can. It kills her that I'm happy without her, and that DS1 no longer wants to spend time with her DS. But if you go about making dreadful comments about people, eventually life will catch up with you.

The only thing to do is walk away; people like that won't ever change.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 14/03/2015 18:38

I have one. I'm always super polite but very distant with her now. We were friends, and it took me nearly five years to realise why I felt like shit whenever we socialised with each other. She's got quite an ego and constantly making critical comments and treating me with no respect at all. I've decided the only reason she wants me as a friend is because she can't bear anyone not to be part of her world.

I've removed myself as much as possible but it's tricky as she's a near neighbour and our DC play.

Frenemies are a real drain on your time and emotions.

hiddenhome · 14/03/2015 19:36

Yes, I dumped one a few months ago. We work together and she's pretty pissed off that I won't give her lifts now, but it feels really good to have dumped her. It's so humiliating being friends with people who are like this. She still gets the odd dig in, but it doesn't bother me anymore because I am freeeeeeeeee Smile

livingzuid · 14/03/2015 19:46

Oh yes I had this. A colleague on my team. Sweet as pie and oh so nice and then I was told a couple of months later she was busy slagging me off to the rest of the office. So as I had to work with her I very much tried to keep a polite distance. Her behaviour spoke for itself - I had nothing to worry about Grin

I don't get why people spend so much energy being like that.

Mmmicecream · 14/03/2015 19:47

I've decided the only reason she wants me as a friend is because she can't bear anyone not to be part of her world.

Reading this was an 'a ha!' moment for me, thanks first! I still don't understand why an old frenemy that clearly doesn't enjoy my company if the sour face is anything to go by still insists on keeping in touch, even though our "friendship" went cold years ago. No fall-out, just gone from being close friends to barely acquaintances.

Sazzle41 · 14/03/2015 20:00

Yes. Once I had twigged I out manouvred (sp?) her quite a few times just to see if I could. (she was always saying how clever she was and no-one got one over on her, ever). I was fed up of the snide put downs and her sabotaging any other friendships or potential boyfriends. Then I thought sod this, this isnt me, its knackering, I want a real friend and went NC.

BallsforEarrings · 14/03/2015 20:58

Had a best friend who nobody else liked, I knew she wasn't nice but i felt a bit sorry for her as she never kept friends for long and i'd known her from childhood.

I began to suspect she was talking about me but she did it about everyone and i felt sorry for her and she was my childhood friend.

One day she rang my husband and told him I was unfaithful to him at every opportunity, he said he didn't believe her and she then said I had had an affair with my ex whilst I was with him!

He told me and I never saw her again, lets just say i don't feel sorry for her anymore! Sad

Sagethyme · 14/03/2015 21:11

What is a frienemy? Someone who you think is a friend but turns out to be an enemy or someone you don't really like but carry on a friendship?

SandysMam · 14/03/2015 21:28

I had a frenemy who honestly sent me a message a year after my mum died slating me because "since my mum died" I always put her last and was a rubbish friend to her!! I could barely drag myself out of bed in the morning and instead she went crazy because I sent her birthday card two days late. Needless to say we are no longer friends and I look back on our friendship now and realise it was always going to end that way...because she was a massive cunt!! I don't miss her and am liberated to be free from her constant need for grand gestures.

GoringBit · 14/03/2015 22:01

God, yes. So-called best friend from age of 12 was textbook frenemy, but at that age, I didn't realise. The penny dropped very slowly, but trying to distance myself didn't work (quite the opposite), and the 'friendship' made me increasingly unhappy.

After six years later of this, we had a minor argument, which I engineered into a full-scale falling out, and went NC from that day to this. Not perhaps the best way of dealing with it, but I can't say I regret it, I'd rather have no friends that any number of frenemies.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 14/03/2015 22:05

Yes, my ex best friend of nearly 40 years. I'm so much better off since I got rid .

derxa · 15/03/2015 09:06

I had a frenemy at work who was a queen bee type. She would listen to everybody's worries and give advice but actually it was a way of keeping control of people. She would slag off everybody behind their backs but did it in a way which made you feel as if you were part of her little gang.
When I had breast cancer, she said, "You'll look back on this and wonder why you made such a fuss!" I didn't make a fuss and made light of the illness at every opportunity. I left that job and she was absolutely furious.
That remark still bothers me after 3 years

ClaudetteWyms · 15/03/2015 09:19

Crikey derxa that's awful!

I think I have one. She used to be nice to me then started being very passive aggressive. Is still all smiles if she wants something from me (usually childcare), then at other times has walked off as I've approached her for a chat and walked out of rooms I've entered.

It's the very childish behaviour of an insecure person.

Carambar · 15/03/2015 09:20

This reply has been deleted

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Roussette · 15/03/2015 09:59

THIS is very interesting reading.

I had a Frenemy for a few years, perhaps deep down I knew but it was a case of "keep your friends close but your enemies closer".

I am a loyal person and if I have a friend, I will do anything for them and I always look for the best in a person. However, this woman was not the same. Point 7 in that article was starting to become me possibly and I knew it deep down, and I didn't like it. She just slagged off everyone, I tried to pick her up on that, but not hard enough. (and after our bust up, I am under no illusion she slagged me off to everyone, I know as much from others)

I did a lot for this person in very many ways, I was a great support in her disastrous life, but she just turned on me one day (not the first time) and this time I said to myself 'enough is enough'. True friends do not do that, I saw the light and walked away, and that was the best thing I'd ever done, from daily contact, we went NC. I had given my all to the friendship but I needed to walk away and it's such a relief not to have this person as a frenemy in my life anymore.

derxa · 15/03/2015 10:04

Thank you Carambar and Claudette. I've never shared that story before and it helps that you agreed it was awful. People say such shit things when you get cancer. Anyway I think I should start my own thread and not moan on someone else's thread.
Dxxx

Latara · 15/03/2015 10:10

I had a group of male friends who turned out to be frenemies.
I didn't realise just how bitchy they were behind my back (yes, even men can be bitchy).
I had very low self-esteem and so I let the friendships continue for too long.

But now I have a small but good group of friends and I think I would now recognise a 'frenemy' type if I met one. Unfortunately I find it hard to trust men now.

I think probably the majority of people know at least one 'frenemy' type of person sadly!

Dontunderstand01 · 15/03/2015 10:16

Kingjoff, my SIL is my frenemy too, and very narcissistic Only problem is, her family have put her on a pedestal as a 'princess' for years, and in their eyes she can do no harm. Any bad behaviour or cutting remarks are always excused by the fact that she is (apparently) under a lot of pressure. She is incredibly self destructive and creates her own drama so everyone has to rally around her to save the day. Then she bleats on facebook about how independent she is and how she 'takes care of bizness' . Ughhhhh.

distance yourself as much as humanly possible OP. Cut contact where possible, be breezy, polite and don't take the bait when they goad you. They are looking for a reaction.

derxa · 15/03/2015 10:25

Dontunderstand It's all a power trip for this type of person. If you try to deal with them in a 'normal' way i.e. being reasonable you get nowhere. They are all narcissists who see the world differently to you. What is frustrating is that they 'win' and you are left out in the cold if you challenge them.