over family compromise

[angelhairface]

Name changed over this as I am likely to give myself away!

15 members of my family are off on holiday in the Summer. We have done this every year for 6 years. We stay in the same place. Father, step mother, uncle, aunt, brother, sister in law, nephew (18 months), sister, brother in law, niece (17 years), me, dh, dd (7) and 2 ds (11 and 9)

In previous years there have been various arguments over housekeeping. This year my father (who pays) has asked us to put a chores list together. Each couple need to cook an evening meal twice, other than my uncle who cooks once. My father doesn't cook as he is paying.

2015 rule is : whoever cooks also cleans up after themselves/washes up (there is a dishwasher too). This is because my brother and sister in law make a mess when they cook, insist upon doing a BBQ and then leave it for others to clean and the rest of the family don't want to clean up after them.

My sister and I cook a meal at home before the holiday and freeze it - lasagne, cottage pie etc. There is very little mess on holiday.

My brother says that if he cooks he shouldn't need to clean up after. He is being unreasonable isn't he?

Additionally, there is a large dining table and large kitchen table. The dining table sits 8 comfortably and 10 at a squeeze. In past years my family of 5 sit in the kitchen but dh and I are fed up with this.

I have suggested that all children sit in the kitchen - my 3 and my nephew. My dh or I will sit out there and my brother or sister in law will sit out there. Reason for this is that the adults like to sit for hours around the dining table chatting and drinking, where as the children just want to eat and get up and play.

My brother has said that he insists upon sitting with his wife and son around the dining table. That he won't be split up. When I pointed out that this is exactly what has happened to my family for the last few years he just repeats that he won't split up and insist upon being at the dining table with the rest of the adults.

Again, he is being unreasonable isn't he?

Surely, if it's this stressful, is it really all worth going on holiday together?? It's supposed to be fun!!!!

Move the tables together.

Insist that whoever cooks is responsible for the whole evening - cooking and clearing up. You could even take entire days in turn - one day one family is responsible for providing breakfast, lunch and dinner - that way each family gets days and days of proper breaks

fuck all that for a game of soldiers! I think i would be making alternative holiday plans

Agree, sounds like hell on earth and not my idea of a holiday!

Generally, I would say whoever cooks the rest clean up but in your case definitely sounds like YANBU, with regards to chores and seating arrangements

Unless that's your brothers plan

To piss you off so you don't go and daddy just pays for a free holiday for him ?

Would anyone mind if there wasn't a barbecue?
Nothing stopping you brother bringing a preprepared meal too?

If the barbecue is something you all want, maybe that should be an evening you all take responsibility for. Otherwise he can do the same as you.

I think your searing plan makes more sense.

Sounds like your brother needs a permanent seat at the kids table!

What is he proposing instead of the current suggestion? How does everyone else feel? Surely he will have to go with the majority, won't he? Either that or not go.

This is the exact reason we stopped going on holiday with my mum and dad and brother. When he got married and had kids there were just too many people to keep everyone happy. So we go on our own, I miss the big family holidays but its easier to just have to think about us and the kids

Does your DB also insist that other family cooks shouldn't have to wash up after cooking? I suspect not.

I think the new rules make perfect sense, although wonder if BIL has twigged that it's to deal with issues he's previously created!

Completely agree about seating for meals. If your father is putting his foot down re: rules (as he's paying) could this also be one of them?

Surely the point of discussing the holiday rules now is that it gives people the option to consider and, if they wish, bow out. It's not a negotiation!

Jesus this is NOT a holiday!

Your brother is acting like a child so needs to sit at the kids table.

Give him a creme egg.

Nephew is in a high chair so can be put outside of the chairs. My brother and sister in law take up the 8th and 9th place round the table. That leaves 1 more for either me or my dh.

Then my 3 children and either me or dh sit in the kitchen.

This is what happened last year and dh was pretty pissed off.

We can't put tables together as there isn't space in the room.

I felt it was more fair to have ALL the children out in the kitchen. Sister in law will be mightly cheesed off by this.

Are you counting your 17 year old niece as an adult or as a child?

17 year old niece is an adult.

To be honest I can see why they want 18m old round the table with them. At that age kids still need supervision / encouragement to eat.

Do you not all retire to a different room (or outside) after eating to continue the drinking / socialising?

Personally I'd eat with hubby and kids in other room and then hook up with adults after.

As for the rest of it though, yep your brother does sound a bit like hard work.

Oh right I've just re-read and see you weren't suggesting the 18m old sit in a room with no adult supervision.

Your suggestion seems completely fair.

How about whichever family cooks also sits in the kitchen? Then it is in turn. And whoever cooks should definitely also clean up. We do group holidays and that is the only way it works.

Yep everyone who has a turn at cooking also sits in the kitchen that night. Once they've cleared up they can come to other table as your dc will have cleared off by then!

Sounds like the family holiday has outlived its sell by date.

I agree that who cooks should wash up.

What has happened in the past re this?

I agree with your brother not wanting to be split from his family though.

just because you did it doesn't mean that he has to.

You could at least have sat as a family of 5 rather than one of you with the kids & one with the adults!

If adults take it in turns to sit with the kids then families are still split?

where does the 17yr old want to be?

You could also of course not go!

Tell him to fuck right off with his demands, he washes up, you don't care who sits in the kitchen this year but it won't be any of your family as you were split up last year - what part of that seems unfair, by the way, or is he just generally More Important? - and if that can't be agreed in advance, you won't be going this year.

Sounds like your brother is Mr. Golden Balls, time for a holiday vasectomy methinks.

I would not stand for this and would honestly rather not go than be dictated to like that. Why is YOUR family less deserving of sitting at the main table, all together, than your brother's? at the very least they could suggest taking it in turns to be at the main table, or maybe the 2 families can sit together at the big main table and all the other adults including 17yo can sit in the kitchen.

it really does not sound like much of a holiday having to cook for and clear up after 15.

sounds like bro has understood that sister sits in the kitchen and thats that, rather than seeing that as a parent himself now, he has to grow up and take turns so things are fairer

Sounds like your brothers place on the family holiday has passed it's sell by date more like. He sounds like a total arse, there's always one. I think they should be told to suck it up or not be included personally, but ime that never happens!

Your brother sounds like an arse. YANBU.