over family compromise

[angelhairface]

Name changed over this as I am likely to give myself away!

15 members of my family are off on holiday in the Summer. We have done this every year for 6 years. We stay in the same place. Father, step mother, uncle, aunt, brother, sister in law, nephew (18 months), sister, brother in law, niece (17 years), me, dh, dd (7) and 2 ds (11 and 9)

In previous years there have been various arguments over housekeeping. This year my father (who pays) has asked us to put a chores list together. Each couple need to cook an evening meal twice, other than my uncle who cooks once. My father doesn't cook as he is paying.

2015 rule is : whoever cooks also cleans up after themselves/washes up (there is a dishwasher too). This is because my brother and sister in law make a mess when they cook, insist upon doing a BBQ and then leave it for others to clean and the rest of the family don't want to clean up after them.

My sister and I cook a meal at home before the holiday and freeze it - lasagne, cottage pie etc. There is very little mess on holiday.

My brother says that if he cooks he shouldn't need to clean up after. He is being unreasonable isn't he?

Additionally, there is a large dining table and large kitchen table. The dining table sits 8 comfortably and 10 at a squeeze. In past years my family of 5 sit in the kitchen but dh and I are fed up with this.

I have suggested that all children sit in the kitchen - my 3 and my nephew. My dh or I will sit out there and my brother or sister in law will sit out there. Reason for this is that the adults like to sit for hours around the dining table chatting and drinking, where as the children just want to eat and get up and play.

My brother has said that he insists upon sitting with his wife and son around the dining table. That he won't be split up. When I pointed out that this is exactly what has happened to my family for the last few years he just repeats that he won't split up and insist upon being at the dining table with the rest of the adults.

Again, he is being unreasonable isn't he?

He is being a pita about the cleaning thing.

Regarding the seating arrangements, it seems the house but isn't set up for you to all eat together. Either you need to rent somewhere with more dining space or perhaps have adults eat later so you can all eat together. Neither the current situation nor your compromise sound that great tbh.

Just don't go, it honestly sounds awful and your brothers a dick.

God alive that doesn't sound like a holiday at all (aside from the mention of drinking).

Is your brother's wife a little less of an asshat? Could she convince him to remove the stick from his arse and be a little less rigid? If not, I've no idea what you can do other than counter all of his demands with ridiculous ones of your own; if he refuses to split his family up, he buys a new table which seats everyone. If he refuses to clear up when he cooks, he takes everyone out for a seven course dinner including drinks to apologise. Play him at his own game.

Sister in law is Spanish and believes in children and parents eating together quite late. Nephew eats late (think 8-9) and goes to bed at 9-10. She would be horrified to be sat in the kitchen with her son whilst all the other adults are in the dining room.

Even Spanish children get hived off when there is literally no physical space at the table!

And I'd look to the children to solve the washing up issue to. Pay the older ones to do it.

We do a big family holiday yearly, normally 14-16 of us. We have beeb going about 12 years and have none of this shit. Seriously, this is not a holiday! Find a different house which can accomodate you all around one table! Yy to washing up your own cooking mess. And tbh id just leave the BIL at home - he seems to be the main cause of the problems.

Sounds rubbish! Get dad to lay down A seating plan law!

Tell them that on the nights you are cooking you expect to be able to sit at the main table and don't care who moves to accommodate this as long as it happens

Surely the food thing is easily resolved - children sit and eat at the kitchen table while the dining table is being set up for the adults to eat, food is being carried through etc. If brother insists on eating with wife and son, they can all sit together at the kitchen table with the children.

If he doesn't want a load of cleaning up after cooking, he does what you do and pre-prepare at home.

Makes sense for a barbecue to be the shared dinner that everyone helps cook and clean up, rather than brother's turn.

Sounds fun.

How about whoever cooks and washes up also chooses that evenings seating plan?

Dad is right to insist the rules are set before the holiday.

The night each couple is responsible for cooking they also clear up. If DB does/doesn't do a BBQ that's up to him.

IMO the house isn't big enough, if there isn't room for everyone to eat together. I agree with SIL, especially on holiday, the best bit is long sociable meals. Do you have to go back to the same place? Is it somewhere you can eat outdoors, if BBQ weather is guaranteed? Move both tables outdoors?

I have done this sort of holiday with my parents and DSis and her family but Sis and I long ago decided that it's fun for a weekend but no longer....

We've done group holidays and family holidays - it is generally more work than going on your own but in our case DS gets a lot out of it as has other DCs to play with and DH enjoys spending time with his family.

Do you really enjoy these holidays? Your DH sounds like he could do with a break from them. It sounds exhausting to me having to work all this out before you go away - but given your DB's stance I can see why it's necessary.

Can you not stay somewhere else? I agree with others, it would be nicer if you could all sit together at meal times. But really 6 years in a row is a long time and whilst it's kind of your DF to pay for it his attitude does seem a bit Lord of the Manor as in he doesn't need to do any chores and he gets to dictate that it all gets sorted out by the working minions.

There needs to be a rota for the main table. It's not fair that some children get to sit with the family and others don't.
It's eithrt a fair rota or none of the kids sit at the table. Including the 18 month as there will always be in the kitchen to supervise.
There should not be preferential treatment of the children. It's not fair and the longer it goes on the harder it will be.
One of the is gping to have to leave the table soon anyway, when the 11 year old is 16.
I would remind them that sooner or later they will be in the kitchen, might as well get used to it now.

Definitely time to go separate ways. I don't care who's paying, to have to sort out such 'rules' just to get through a week and with nobody genuinely happy, it's clearly not working.

Just don't go. There'll be room for the rest of them round the table and you can go somewhere that is catered so you get to eat together and no washing up.

All sounds like a really relaxing, happy holiday .

I'd pay not to go. Just send a lasagne and a picture of you sitting wherever you bloody like at a table, somewhere fabulous, and a dishwasher holiday deal breaker here in the background.

Can't some of you just bring trays into the dinning room and eat of your laps. It's not difficult - it happens all the time when my family get together.

monkeysaymoo i roared at your comment!

i'm totally with you - i'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go on this holiday. do your own thing and relax and enjoy it.

Sounds like a lot of #drama

We go on a family holiday too paid for by PILs and it obviously limits what you can demand as we are too grateful for the freebie. I agree that you're not going to a big enough place. If that's not alterable, how about you only eat together when you go out, and otherwise it's Liberty Hall with people cooking and cleaning up themselves? and get daily maid service

Honestly? I would eat out every evening and leave everyone else to it.

You are getting a free holiday. why not eat out or get someone local to cater and all split the cost. Sounds like hell on earth to me.

Taking food with you is dodgy- what if you are delayed? do you freeze it and the refreeze. Is it in the uk? if so just do a big on line shop and split the costs. They do great sharing almost ready cooked meals at most. Ocado and waitrose entertaining is great.

I feel sorry for your dad. Presumably he is paying quite a bit to get accommodation for 15 and still people argue. I think he should take his money and go on a cruise or something.

Sorry OP I don't mean you, obviously your brother is being childish, for heavens sake its bad enough when your children squabble when they are little, I think most of us hope they can behave like adults at some stage.

Please don't pay the DC to wash up. They eat, they help out.

Your DCs could wash up when you cook, your niece could wash up when your DSis and DBIL cook and when your DB and DSIL cook, they'll have to wash up.