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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if it's possible to stay neutral when friends get divorced

29 replies

tutorproof · 14/03/2015 14:12

Some friends of ours are going through a very messy divorce.

Lots of vitriol on both sides but we are equally friendly with both of them.

How does this work? How are on earth can you be supportive and stay out of it at the same time.

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 14/03/2015 14:16

What I do is to listen but not say anything and I do nt repeat what's been said. I

DontDrinkandFacebook · 14/03/2015 14:16

It's really, really hard. Inevitably you end up leaning towards one partner in preference to another, both in terms of taking sides over fault/blame and in social contact afterwards, being welcoming to new partners etc. It is very awkward at first, but like everything, time makes it better.

We have only one set of friends where I can honestly say I don't think that would happen and we would really want to try to see each of them equally, no matter what. They did nearly split up recently and it was awful but luckily they seem to have sorted things out.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 14/03/2015 14:18

And yes, although I try to stay out of being vocal about fault/blame and I am usually able to see things from both sides, it is sometimes hard not to feel that one person has been unfairly treated, especially when there has been an affair.

Original poster

tutorproof · 14/03/2015 19:35

We shall see how things go.

Nodding silently seems like a good plan for now.

OP posts:

JeanneTheRabidFeminist · 14/03/2015 19:41

I think nodding silently is good.

But I also think I would feel uncomfortable pretending to be neutral if I found out that there was obvious fault on one or other side. I think people tend to believe they have to be neutral if they were previously friends with both people in the couple, even if they find out one partner was abusive, or cheated - even if they wouldn't normally want to be friendly with someone like that. It can be really hurtful for the other partner who's effectively being penalised for being in a bad relationship.

I hope and trust it's not like this with your friends, but it is something I am aware of when people split up.

hotfuzzra · 14/03/2015 19:48

My DH got dragged into this, his old best friend's wife contacted him (DH had been their best man, but they'd drifted into contact once/twice a year) to say she'd found he'd been cheating on her. DH listened and was sympathetic but stressed he was his friend too, was in the middle and didn't want to get involved.
Friend later contacted him and because DH hadn't immediately rung him siding with him (despite admitting the affair) and slagging her off he said DH was a shit friend and had stabbed him in the back.
Stay well out of it!

TattyDevine · 14/03/2015 19:51

My mum has always had a policy of sticking by each half of a divorcing friendship couple and every time it has resulted in one half of the couple removing themselves from the friendship, either because they thought they didn't have "claim" on my mother's friendship (perhaps because they met because of the ex partner and were not the original source) or because the divorce was so acrimonious they could only be friends with people who were "on their side" to the extent they shunned the other person.

She has always maintained to then that the friendship is still on offer if they change their mind!

So these things can end up sorting themselves out.

Original poster

tutorproof · 15/03/2015 12:27

God hotfuzz, that sounds awful!

OP posts:

DontDrinkandFacebook · 15/03/2015 16:23

I've stuck in a situation like that more than once hotfuzz I'm told something by one party and expected not to say anything, which has massive potential pitfalls if the other party finds out you knew all along. It's very unfair to put people in that position. Luckily nothing bad happened with me but it really does leave you between a rock and a hard place. I wish people would think a bit more before they offload onto friends about the position they can put them in.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 15/03/2015 16:24

sorry that made no sense at all did it?

meandjulio · 15/03/2015 16:31

I have found this very difficult. So far where I have met the couple together, I have stayed friends longer-term with only one of the couple. With hetero couples this has always been the woman - I just find friendships with women easier, I don't have many male friends. I did make (for me) quite a lot of effort to stay friends with the man in one particular couple but I haven't managed to keep it going and I feel very guilty about that. Perhaps especially because the breakup has been entirely initiated by her including an OM involved. But on the other hand I can see why the relationship got into trouble and it's certainly not all about her.

meandjulio · 15/03/2015 16:32

Don't drink that makes complete sense to me!

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/03/2015 17:03

Very good boundaries on your part will help. Shared friends got married just as exH and I were getting divorced. He is his BF, she is mine. She called me and he called exH and we were told in no uncertain terms that we were both invited, both in the wedding party and would both be expected to behave on pain of pain. Very obvious that there would be no sides taken and we could take it or leave it. We both remain friends with them.

miniavenger · 15/03/2015 19:00

I agree with the boundries. Also listening but not commenting and agreeing (unless you do want to take sides or are happy for the other half to know you do).

I would also say, if there's OW/OM then don't entertain with them- especially not at the start when things are so volatile. My aunt felt betrayed when after not even a month the OW was being invited for dinner too especially as her ex taunted her how the friends have chosen a side and loved the OW. It later emerged that they didn't and were pissed when they saw what the ex was saying, actually he'd turned up with her without saying and made them very uncomfortable. But damage was done and my aunt felt betrayed for a long while.

Trills · 15/03/2015 19:15

If it's an amicable divorce, it's possible.

If there's a lot of vitriol, as you say, it's pretty likely that you will hear a lot of unpleassant things about both of your friends.

You may end up believing that one was in the wrong.

Or you may end up thinkingt at they are both much less pleasant people than you thought they were.

grannytomine · 15/03/2015 19:19

hotfuzzra exactly the same thing happened to my husband. It was 20 years ago and we still see her but have never heard from him again. My husband was upset at the time but who wants a friend like that.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/03/2015 19:21

Oh God! A new thing to worry about! I thought I'd thought of everything but as we get near 40 this is going to start happening isn't it?

Instituteofstudies · 15/03/2015 19:33

I lost all the joint friends we had because exH managed to tell huge and totally untrue sob stories making him look like a victim and pretending to be suicididal at one point, to garner support and concern. For some totally unfathomable reason (even though there was so much evidence to the contrary), and although most people tried to be friends with both of us, I couldn't bear that they were taken in by his vile lies. What he did was wicked and I couldn't handle those who couldn''t or wouldn't see that and who wanted to stay neutral.

Instituteofstudies · 15/03/2015 19:35

Sorry, typing fail - i meant to say that for some unfathomable reason, people were taken in by him.

Dontunderstand01 · 15/03/2015 19:48

We have two lots of good friends who got divorced. Our philosophy is that unlesseither party has been abusive then there is no side taking. Even though one friend may have cheated, we weren't in their marraige and don't know whatwas going on. We are currently in the situstion with the second couple, where they are both giving us their 'version' of events, which completely and utterly contradict each other! We haven't said anything, but either one of them, or both is lying.
We don't say anything, just nod, a platitude 'it sounds like you are having such a tough time' , and changing the subject, is out approach. It is very hard though.

Original poster

tutorproof · 15/03/2015 21:31

Thank you all. This one sounds complicated. Both done things which have put them in the wrong in the eyes of the other. Both angry and lashing out.

I think they need some friends to talk to them and help them manage things (including the children) better but I don't really want it to be me.

OP posts:

SistersOfPercy · 15/03/2015 22:25

This happened with dh's friend, we made clear no sides would be taken. He called round one night quite upset, his ex lived near us and must have seen his car because next minute she (and her mother) were hammering our front door down and shouting and swearing. I asked her to leave nicely exactly twice, by the third time I'm afraid I grabbed her by the scruff and physically threw her out the front gate.
Dh's mate was open mouthed in shock.

Funnily enough after that we didn't see her again. Dh and I were quite happy to be neutral until she turned into a banshee.

CremeEggThief · 15/03/2015 22:33

I could in a 'no fault' divorce, but since I have been cheated on, I couldn't stay neutral if it's a case of one cheating on the other. My XH and I now only share about 4 or 5 mutual friends on Facebook, 1 of whom is our son and a few who live abroad now and neither of us have seen in RL for years.

Ineedtimeoff · 15/03/2015 22:46

It's really hard. I've tried to do it and failed. Like others have said, you need to keep your boundaries tight, something I've found hard to do, especially where there are a lot of raw emotions.

TBH I don't think it's possible, but good luck giving it a try.

Runwayqueen · 15/03/2015 23:21

Despite not wanting to involve our joint friends when xh and I divorced, our friends did end up taking sides. I was disappointed, if not talked about the divorce with them, but maybe me doing that led to them remaining friends with him and not I

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