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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My ex-DH has signed son's Birthday card from him and OW - do I say anything?

34 replies

iwashappy · 14/03/2015 13:51

My son (22) has had a Birthday card from his dad which he has signed dad and OW. My son has refused to meet OW and has no relationship with her whatsoever.

It's a recent split, December, and it has obviously caused a lot of upset.

My son says he's isn't that upset about her name on his card, his opinion of his father's behaviour is low so doesn't have that many expectations of him sadly.

I think it's probably better that I stay out of it and leave it to my son to say anything to his dad but I work with my ex-DH so speak to him regularly and am so tempted to tell him that he was out of order. My son has nothing to do with OW and she was instrumental in our marriage ending so why the hell would he want a card with her name on it.

If he had done this to our daughter she would have been really upset, she was ranting about it anyway. If he doesn't get pulled up on it he'll just think it's normal, okay behaviour and it's not.

I'm not being unreasonable in being upset by this am I?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 14/03/2015 13:53

Your son is 22 and has shrugged his shoulders over it. I really don't think you should say anything.

HermioneWeasley · 14/03/2015 13:54

I don't think there's any way you can raise it without him questioning your objectivity. Your DS or DD needs to tell him it's out of order

MaudeLebowski · 14/03/2015 13:56

Your adult child's relationship with their father is nothing to do with you anymore. Sorry, but keep your mouth shut.

FelixCulpa · 14/03/2015 13:56

I think maybe you should say, even if it's just to explain your DD was very upset by it so not to do it on her birthday.

Teeb · 14/03/2015 13:56

Your sons an adult, you will appear to be vindictive and meddling if you were to say anything.

Be pleased though that you've raised strong children who can come to their own conclusions about people's character.

ivykaty44 · 14/03/2015 13:57

Stay out of it

Let you D's sort his relationship with his df

You concentrate on your own relationships from now on

SurlyCue · 14/03/2015 13:59

Say nothing. Your son has the right idea. Work on encourging your DD to be less bothered.

squoosh · 14/03/2015 14:05

I can imagine it's tempting but don't say anything unless asked specifically by ex DH. Must be so difficult for you working with an ex who so recently betrayed you.

Nolim · 14/03/2015 14:22

Stay out of it.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 14/03/2015 14:25

Another one saying stay out of it. If your son is annoyed about it your exH will get the message soon enough. It's not your problem or your place to comment on it now and it will just make you look vindictive.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2015 14:27

ignore it...This is between your son and his father

Boreoff456 · 14/03/2015 14:39

I would stay out of it. I presume you daughter is not a small child, since she is ranting about the card too, what happens between them and their father is their business and no good will com from getting involved.

Quitelikely · 14/03/2015 14:44

You are wasting emotional energy here.

Your ex knew full well what he was doing when he put her name on the card.

Leave it well alone.

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/03/2015 15:01

It is out of order, but it's not for you to do anything about it. Your dc's are adults, they'll confront him if they want to. Personally in your ds's shoes I'd tear the card up and send it back, but perhaps he's more mature than me!

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 14/03/2015 15:05

Stay out of it, definitely. Your ex is a total arse, but it seems everyone already know this, so leave him to it.

Summerisle1 · 14/03/2015 15:08

If he doesn't get pulled up on it he'll just think it's normal, okay behaviour and it's not.

Please don't even consider that it might be appropriate for you to discuss the matter with your ex-h. Or "pull him up" on it, as you suggest. Your ex has sent his 22 year old son a card. If your ds is pissed off with how it has been signed it then he can take the matter up with his father. You need to step well away from the whole issue.

SylvaniansAtEase · 14/03/2015 15:23

No point.

And I honestly think you are getting to the stage that you would all be better served by letting this prick be the misogynist, entitled, dunderheaded wanker he clearly always was and let him go ahead and show time and time again who he is, until your daughter walks away emotionally too. Frankly, it would do her a favour.

Having read your threads, it's been noticeable that out of your children, your son is more unscathed. Do you realise yet that that's because he's probably spent your children's lives relating to them differently, based on gender? He's a womaniser, a 'charmer' - a person who is so deeply misogynistic he truly believes that women are some lesser species that good old red-blooded men like himself can pick up, put down, shag, marry, lie to and whatever they want, when they want. And he can't even now see what's really wrong with that.

So, your son, who he has had no option but to be kind of straight with, has simply walked away. Your daughter, who has been charmed, flirted with, had her behaviour 'mirrored' back by him all her life (you used to comment how 'alike' they were a lot) has now been treated just like all the other women in his life - completely dismissed, wilfully misunderstood, and is now as let down as you and as OW soon will be, by Mr. 'I was confused! What did I do?!' That's the way he treats women: that's the way your daughter has been treated too. He's respected your son's boundaries, hasn't even dared approach them, but your daughter's are to be negotiated, trampled, charmed away. Lip service, because she's only a woman.

I think it would be good if you saw this as the real alarm bell it is: having a father like this is the LAST thing a young woman working out male behaviour needs. Let him show her that he is a shit. Because he IS, don't think that trying to make him look like not a shit is going to do her any favours. If you want her to have healthy relationships with non-womanising men who listen to what she says and see her as more than a fluff-headed vagina on legs, let her see what her dad is and DESPISE him, even if she eventually makes peace with it and can love him.

So bring on that jointly signed card.

worridmum · 14/03/2015 16:10

would you put your new partner in your childrens birthday cards and from that answer is your answer for how unreasanable you are.

squoosh · 14/03/2015 16:19

No I certainly wouldn't put the name of a partner I'd left my children's mother for three months previously. Thunderingly insensitive.

Original poster

iwashappy · 14/03/2015 18:44

Thank you for all your replies. I understand that it is between my son and his dad and at 22 my son is old enough to deal with this in the way that he wants to.

It's just my ex-DH has made a habit of pulling stunts like this and then claiming he didn't think and I didn't want him thinking that if no-one said anything to him then he would think it was acceptable what he did.

It worries me how my daughter would have reacted if he had done this if it had been her Birthday instead, she's 16. I suppose I am trying to work out how best to stop him doing any more damage to our children. I really don't know if it's best for me to step in or leave it down to them sometimes. I know they are old enough, but he just keeps saying he understands and then does something like this again.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/03/2015 18:49

Trust your own children. Every time he does something like this, he fills in the jigsaw for them.

I am not sure whether you stepping in would have the effect you think it would. Ultimately, you would be protecting him (and why would you still want to do that?). The damage he has caused your children is done, and if he continues to compound it, that is just the man he is. Your children know this. You will catch up with them eventually

Original poster

iwashappy · 14/03/2015 18:53

Quitelikely I do think that he knows what he is doing most of the time, he's too intelligent a man to not realise. I just don't understand why he would have done something that could hurt our children just to get at me. I find it hard to believe he would use the children like that.

Sylvians there's a lot of food for thought there, thank you. I do worry about how her dad's behaviour is going to affect our daughter in her own relationships. I don't know how best to guide her, I would hate for her to be in a situation like I have been. I will reply properly tomorrow as you have really given me a lot to think about but am off out now with the children. Thanks again.

OP posts:

clam · 14/03/2015 18:59

Whilst it's good (I suppose) that your ds has shrugged this off and doesn't seem to care, I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from saying to ex "what were you thinking, doing that?" Along with, "Don't even think about doing that with dd, either."

clam · 14/03/2015 18:59

I mean, how could he possibly have thought it an OK thing to do?

ArseForElbow · 14/03/2015 19:04

My XH just did the same with both my DC, then facebooked me to apologise and said it was because OW was there when he signed them. I ignored him and the DC said nothing either.

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