My ex-DH has signed son's Birthday card from him and OW - do I say anything?

[iwashappy]

My son (22) has had a Birthday card from his dad which he has signed dad and OW. My son has refused to meet OW and has no relationship with her whatsoever.

It's a recent split, December, and it has obviously caused a lot of upset.

My son says he's isn't that upset about her name on his card, his opinion of his father's behaviour is low so doesn't have that many expectations of him sadly.

I think it's probably better that I stay out of it and leave it to my son to say anything to his dad but I work with my ex-DH so speak to him regularly and am so tempted to tell him that he was out of order. My son has nothing to do with OW and she was instrumental in our marriage ending so why the hell would he want a card with her name on it.

If he had done this to our daughter she would have been really upset, she was ranting about it anyway. If he doesn't get pulled up on it he'll just think it's normal, okay behaviour and it's not.

I'm not being unreasonable in being upset by this am I?

He's trying to validate the relationship with his current partner and show she's for keeps ect. That they are a couple and should be excepted as that. Tbh it's not worth wasting your breath on him. He won't see what he has done wrong and will probably just expect the children to accept his current partner with open arms. Anything you say will just be seen as sour grapes

Accepted that is

YANBU to be upset (on your son's behalf).

I have been the child in this situation and I think the advice to just leave it is right.
Be there for your children to moan to about it you need to step back and let him get on with it even for the 16yr old. You getting involved will just ramp up the drama for all concerned. Encourage your dc to just roll their eyes at his thoughtlessness and shrug it off.

I didn't want him thinking that if no-one said anything to him then he would think it was acceptable what he did.

I'm surprised you think any good would come from telling another adult the error of their ways. You are setting yourself up for misery. You need to detach.

I've read your other threads iwas and I think you need to say nothing.

I understand that you are trying to protect your children, but your exH has consistently shown that he is prepared to violate all reasonable boundaries in a desperate bid to legitimise his relationship with the OW - at least until something else comes along.

If you say anything to him, you will just be fuelling the fire that he clearly thrives on of you responding to his every ridiculous self-centred action. Your son has his own, valid and clear opinions about the situation and you need to trust him to deal with it for himself. As for you being able to stop him doing the same for your DD can you not see that he would still do it if he wanted to and just use your calling him on it to prop up his ego.

I hate to be harsh, but you really need to start thinking about what you do next, what your relationship with your DCs is like (obviously very good) and leave him to make his own clearly disastrous mistakes. Your DD will not thank you for giving her a false impression of him by facilitating and covering up his selfish behaviour.

Anyway, if you wil forgive me being an interested and engaged follower of your posts and someone rooting for you, I am much more interested in your next steps.

I'm not going to say anything to him, from what my son has told me tonight it's fairly obvious that the bastard was doing it to get a reaction from me as he asked my son if he had shown me the card.

I was angry that he'd use our son to get at me but my son said that his dad knew that he wouldn't be that bothered by it. He thinks he wouldn't have put OW's name on a card to his sister as he knows how she would react.

I think my next step would be to allow myself a few musings about selling my half of the business, as you simply don't think you'll be able to work long-term with someone so unable to consider your feelings or seem to have any morals whatsoever.

Then when you've made him shit himself, airily say that you might - might consider not selling if he were to give you a controlling stake, say 55%. That might be what it would take to give you peace of mind that, although you were unfortunately in business with a nasty, underhanded, amoral wanker, your interests would be sufficiently protected.

Sounds like you dodged an insensitive sized bullet when he moved out. I hope things improve for you.

That is apalling iwas, really terrible of him to use your son like that.