Harangued into a makeover I dont even want...

[alongcamespiders]

First world problem alert: a friend and I split from our husbands around the same time and she went for a makeover which she loved and I think that she found it validated her in terms of attractiveness...
The photo was in a town about forty minutes away from our own buzzing and lively city.
She put lots of photos on social media and tbh I can see why she loved them but they were not my kind of pics, very bright and didn't really look like her but she was happy.
A few days later I received a voucher from her in the post for the same makeover/photo shoot. She said she thought it would boost my ego like it has hers.
I made lots of grateful noises but inside I knew I didn't want this treatment, so my first mistake was in accepting the gift.
Partially because knowing her she would be angry / hurt / disappointed if I didn't share the pics on fb too.
The other issue is I dont drive and as a working single mum my time is precious to me. On offer with the gift she insisted that she will drive me there and bring me home again (it's a straightforward train ride)
Now I'm aware that I sound like an ingrate, in the meantime since buying me this gift she has done/said lots of inappropriate things in front of my children, we are neighbours and she has turned up at odd times, unannounced. And the children have seen some strange/distressing things for which she has never apologised plus she has a tendency to unnecessarily discipline my smallies in front of me when I have felt it unwarranted and would do myself when required.
I have been distancing myself from her because off his and a few other things about her, drama I just don't want .
Anyway, everytime I see her de asks when I'm going to get the makeover and recently I posted a very natural pic of myself on fb, I rarely wear makeup except the basics and a bit more on nights out. No sooner than I'd posted this pic of myself, looking like me, she pinged me a message 'when spare you going to book that makeover'?
Yesterday I posted a tongue in cheek status re losing a precious bottle of facial oil, it was a Friday 13th themed joke.
She posted a reply saying 'when are you going to book that treat I bought you,' I replied saying its a generous gift but too much planning involved and takes a lot of time out of my free time, this was a public post and really, for some reason pissed me off. She hasnt replied.
I had been thinknig id get around to it but she has kind of taken any pleasure out of it before I even start.
I'd also been tempted to offer it to s friend who's doing charity auctions but thought that might be a bit rude, now I'm so tempted just to give it back to her but this woman is a ball of fury and ranting, ragging all our mutual friends into any drama. She identifies as an 'alpha female' and I so don't identify myself that way. I'm so tempted to just pop it through her letterbox but I cannot deal with the fall out.
When we first became friends I didn't realise what kind of person she is, I thought she was a hit overbearing but fun and we bonded over our mutual marital break ups but know I just don't want to be around her.
Airbus to feel weird about this gift and what would you do in my shoes? People I've spoken too ill are divided on this, some see it as a lovely treat and others see it as a massive infringement.

Oh goodness multiple typos... Sorry I'm on my phone hut sure you get the gist.

I'd give it back and say you really feel it's not your thing. Then cut contact. Especially on Facebook.

I would be less concerned about the make over and more so about her treatment of your children and her behaviour in front of them.

She sounds like a nightmare. The way she's reacting kind of gives the impression the gift is more about her than you. I would graciously return the voucher and back away from her as much as possible.

Just don't do it if you don't want to.
Personally I would hate this too. It just isn't my thing and I can see why it doesn't appeal to you.
I think you've got to tell her ,politely and firmly. Thank her for the kind thoughts, but it doesn't appeal to you and you don't want to do it. If you don't be straight with her she's probably going to keep coming up with other gifts and ideasthat she thinks you will like.
Then you can either return the voucher or give it to your other friend for her charity.

Lovely treat my arse.She sounds hard work. I don't know what I would hate more,a makeover or a spa day.Both are enough to make me want to lie in the foetal position sucking my thumb.Speak to her face to face,no txt or Facebook messages,and tell her how you feel.With a bit of luck she'll never want to see you again ( after she's slagged you on FB ) .

You know you can take her out of your newsfeed so she does not see your status updates. You can also delete peoples comments on your statuses. Just give it back and say you are not a make up person. Let the fall out happen especially if you don't want that much contact.

Or you could just go... Get it over and and done with and take the make up off afterwards. Say it was funny if she asks about it. You don't have to post the pics on Facebook if you don't want to.

This isn't about the makeover, this is about your friendship. If things were all well with you you'd have either said it wasn't your thing or gone along with it because it was a nice thing for her to do (even if it wasn't quite the right choice).

I am really curious about what you mean by strange and distressing things she's done in front of your children. It sounds like you want to take a break from her and this makeover gift is a convenient excuse to be angry with her and dump her without addressing the other issues.

I think you need to decide if you want to stay friends with this woman or not, and either tell her you think it would be best to not see each other for a while or grin and bear the makeover trip if you do want to carry on meeting up.

maras agree about the spa day as well. My idea of hell.

Very politely return the voucher, remain cordial but back away. She sounds overbearing.

Oh dear, how close a neighbour is she?

She sounds like hard work and a bit annoying. But, I can see it from her point of view too. Either use it or give it back to sell it. Just let her know, be honest! Look at the big picture, even if it's not your thing, her kindness came from a good place she was trying to help you. I bet the voucher wasn't cheap.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Distance yourself. If you don't want the drama of giving the gift back to her, just put it to one side and forget about it. She sounds hard work and more focused on herself than on you.

Just be upfront and charming about it - you're incredibly grateful, it was lovely of her but it's just not your sort of thing - and maybe make up some stuff about feeling embarrassed/awkward about having other people touching your face/invading your personal space? Create some sort of makeover-related phobia?

Thanks for your replies, I didn't go into detail re the strange behaviour because it's unique to her and instantly recognisable , a nutshell, she came over following a DV incident and my children were witness to her distress and dishevelled state, on another occasion she came round mid morning ranting about a row between her and amother neighbour and around Christmas/new year came round drunkish , teatime, babbling about a man she'd met. Always unannounced and I'm too short to see through our spyhole!
If the kids are with me they always cone running to the door when I answer.

I've got to the point of ignoring the door which I don't want to for various reasons (triggers unhappy memories of a fucked up childhood).
We are a few doors away from each other and pass each other's houses to and fro anywhere.
Of course I sympathis re the DV but she's friends with all the neighbours and I don't understand why mine was the first house she ran to, it was early in the morning , we were breakfasting, getting ready etc,she approached to be in shock so I had to manhandle her upstairs away from my kids who are three and five. It also triggered stuff for me. Unbelievably this woman is a therapist and identified as an empath, sensitive as well as Alpha Woman so I am shocked at her behaviour. I put it down yo fall out after her marriage imploded but it doesn't sit well with me. Other neighbours are kind and sympathetic but also because she's been in so much drama and chaos I felt unable to express my own distress about my marriage break up, I have removed myself from social situations involving the neighbours as she's so overpowering and I feel I have lost out on what could have been valuable friendships and support.
Gosh, it has turned out to be a much bigger issue than I realised (they always are!)

Also, the gift was bought back in October...I can see her side of it but I'd never hassle a friend like this about using a gift I'd bought, I'd probably mention it a couple of times then back off. But I'd never assume someone wants to be made over, knowing my friends like I do, I know who'd love a spa day and who gags at the thought of it, conversely I would love a spa day which is about relaxation,a makeover yo me is just hassle and has connotations for me, those women who gave portraits of themselves hung in their lounge, to me they always seem to be after a break up and for women of a certain age (I do fit all the criteria).
I was just going to get it over and done with but I cannot find any time without a struggle, there's so much more I want to do with my spare time (post on and read mumsnet)

She's a therapist? She needs to reassess her understanding of boundaries then.

ilovesooty we originally got to know each other because I was accessing her therapy, it is a physical therapy with great results but brings up some emotions, she said a lot of things during the treatments which really hot yo me during my post natal depression. I have a long term illness and chronic pain, her treatment was really helping and invaluable but I stopped going because I wanted her to just do the treatment and not the talking/emotional stuff, also because in latter sessions she kept talking about her ex H before and after the treatment.
She's also training to be a regular counsellor on top of this.

*which really got to me...

I hope to goodness she doesn't pass her course then. She sounds positively dangerous and unfit to practise.

She said she thought it would boost my ego like it has hers.

Hi, Just a quick note. I am really sorry but I don't find that having this voucher or the thought of a makeover boosted my ego. I am more than happy as I am. And if it is ok with you - I'd like to post what I want on facebook without you keep telling me about the treat that you bought me, that I didn't want in the first place. So I am returning the voucher [enclosed] which I am sure you can put to good use. To me; a makeover is like the seventh circle of hell. Thanks for the kind thought anyway. Take care. Spider.'

I imagine the trainer being too scared of her not to pass her ??I have required therapy a few times in my life and I have met done dangerous loons practicing, one who even told me what's good therapist she is before trampling all over my boundaries! I decided in the end I can deal with my own stuff better than they can!

alternative tentacles great note, do you think that the fact I accepted the gift in October makes it harder to return it?

No reputable trainer would be too scared of an incompetent student to fail them.
Not that I don't agree with you that there are therapists out there who give counselling a bad name.

I don't see how u can get out not using the gift you have already acceptable without causing a massive fallout which is fine if you cam deal.with it.

It sounds like she thinks of you as her closest friend of all the neighbours which is why she came to you looking for support and confides in you. If u can't do this then you need to sit her down and explain that your sorry for what she is going through but u can't cope with emotional side as it's triggering your own issues too much