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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

daughter wants to be a boy

47 replies

Hullabaloo9 · 13/03/2015 20:38

My daughter is 10 years old. She has ALWAYS been a tomboy. As a toddler she always liked "boy stuff". We are open minded people so we had no problem with her choosing the "blue" options. She has always been confident about being different to her peers and so happy in her own skin.

She has preferred boys clothes for so many years and all her close friends have been boys since she started school. This has never worried me as I was a bit of a tomboy myself and she has been happy in herself.

Recently, with the onset of puberty she has been developing major crushes on girls (famous girls, not real life) who are famously gay. She obsesses. No problem I think, maybe she is gay. It fits, sounds likely with hindsight and would not be a problem for any of her family. Obviously I don't mention any if this to her, she is happy so thats fine.

Recently she asked for her hair cut short like a boy and since then she has dramatically been want to be identified as male. I have told her that I love her as an individual and all she must concentrate on, at her age, is being a good person and that what ever she wants when she is older will be ok.

She seems so unhappy. Often talks of changing her name on the school register to her chosen boys name and wants her gender changed on her passport.

I feel like I have been as open minded as I can be. I love her so much as an individual whatever will be, but I find it hard to know what to say to her as she is only 10 and I know that her feelings may change.

Please please offer your opinions.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 13/03/2015 20:45

I don't have any advice for you, except that if you keep listening to your dd and support her life choices (whatever these turn out to be) she will likely be OK.

If you post on the LGBT children board (under behaviour and development) you might find more support. Mumsnet can move your post for you if you ask them to.

fellowship33 · 13/03/2015 20:49

You sound great but you probably need to look into this seriously. My friend's child is currently living as a girl (male at birth) and made the switch at 6. They are getting quite a lot of support.

Maybe talk to the school or the parent liaison person as a starting point?

BingBong36 · 13/03/2015 20:52

It sounds like you are being such a great mum to her, she is very lucky.

I would try and get some support/advice from someone who is qualified and take it from there.

She is still so young, hormones flying around etc, maybe it is just a phase.

Good luck x

nocoolnamesleft · 13/03/2015 20:54

www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/ might be worth a look.

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 13/03/2015 20:54

Just support them in what they wants to do. If they wants to look into options to change her name, then support them.

If they wants to look at longer term options to change birth gender, then support them.

Try, as far as possible, to drop gender specific references.

And allow them to choose their own name.

tootsweets · 13/03/2015 21:00

My son was born female. Been living 'officially' as a boy since July. Changed his name (not legally) school have been amazing and so has our GP. Mermaids is good for advice. But for more local support its GP, school and Parent support advisor. Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

TattyDevine · 13/03/2015 21:08

She is SO SO lucky to have you as a mum.

Keep doing what you are doing but also get some further advice if you can. Things could get difficult during puberty and there are people out there who can help if there is a gender issue.

Well done x

siiiiiiiiigh · 13/03/2015 21:19

Mum of the year.

You too, Toots.

The shockingly high suicide rate and poor mental health outcomes for trans people would vanish if more parents with kids with gender issues were able to see it like you do.

Just lovely.

tootsweets · 13/03/2015 21:38

Thank you. The issue of being born into the wrong body had been developing consistently since he was a toddler. He is now 8. Since he made the brave decision to tell us how he felt, he has been a different person. So happy and confident and he has flown at school. He is accepted. Obviously he is still very young but I can only support him with how he feels at this present time and we will face the future together.

KKCupCake · 13/03/2015 21:47

:) Yay you for being so supportive. My DP is Trans and these guys are really helpful it's a BRILLIANT resource www.gires.org.uk/ my DP often wishes she'd been brave to transition earlier but in the late 70's that would have been 'whaaaat?' If your DC really wants to identify as male let him :) It may blow over or it may be that he's gender dysphoric, either way with your support it'll be easier. Good Luck xxx

ghostyslovesheep · 13/03/2015 21:49

just support and listen and look for information and orgs to support you both

you sound amazing x I have a 10 year old who will only wear boys clothes and shop in boys departments - she is a killer footy player as well

Viviennemary · 13/03/2015 21:51

She is lucky to have you as a Mum. But I don't agree with children being allowed to live as the opposite sex before they are of age. I personally wouldn't go down the route of school informed she is now a 'boy' though I believe this did happen with a very young child of around five not that long ago. Boy who wanted to be a girl.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 13/03/2015 21:55

I wouldn't listen to a 10 year old on something this drastic.

I would support her in a hair cut and clothes, but discourage gender swap until she is a lot older.

Viviennemary · 13/03/2015 21:58

I agree with letting her wear the clothes and have the haircut she wants.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 13/03/2015 22:03

I would absolutely listen to a him on this issue. If your child identifies as male then that is likely who he is rather than just a phase. You sound like a fabulous mum. Just keep doing what you're doing.

RonaldMcDonald · 13/03/2015 22:04

You are doing the right thing by being supportive and accepting her views and listening
Let her know that no matter who or what she decides she is loved and accepted by you.
Unmumsnetty hug

tootsweets · 13/03/2015 22:04

As an outsider I would probably feel the same. But I know my child and the thought of him waiting until his teens and having to go through puberty in the 'wrong' body until a decision is made would be unbearable for him. Nothing we have done is irreversible but he has been constant and consistent in his feelings and as his mum I needed to listen.

TinyTearsFirstLove · 13/03/2015 22:06

Don't know if this is any help but my friend actually looked like a boy and wanted to be a boy until about 12. Then she changed her mind and if very girly now. I also really believed that I was going to change into a boy when I grew up. I really wanted to be a boy at ten and hated anything girly, preferred boys etc. Completely detested the onset of puberty and desperately tried to hide that I had breasts until I was about 13/14.
I think being supportive like you have been but also maybe agree that if she still feels the same way at 13/14 then consider letting her change her name etc then.
I firmly believe that people don't become gay, they are born that way. I also believe that some people are born the wrong gender. However, to be totally sure that it is the wrong gender and not a child being a tomboy, she needs a few more years based on how I felt at ten years old, I couldn't bear the thought of being a girl. Maybe join a support group for gender reassignment to find out the experience of others?

feckitall · 13/03/2015 22:11

You sound like a great mum OP!!
Your child might be gay, straight or trans gender, as they get older it will be clearer.

FWIW At that age I wanted to be a boy..would only wear boyish clothing and had short hair. I was a complete tomboy. I was thrilled at being taken for a boy. George from Famous Five was my hero! I played 'boys' games and in role play always took the male part. If I had been given any option I would have wanted to be accepted as a boy. I was humoured about it to a certain extent by my family, although I did have battles over being made to wear a skirt for school!
Roll on to middle age...I'm still a tomboy, I play a traditionally male sport, I wasn't allowed as a child to play in a team, but I'm straight, and have 3 DC having been with DH for nearly 30 years. I am quite often presumed to be lesbian, it doesn't bother me, I can see why.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 13/03/2015 22:13

Your daughter is very lucky to have such an open-minded parent.

Please remember, though, that the majority of children with gender dysphoria will not remain gender dysphoric after puberty, so please think long and hard before agreeing to puberty-blocking hormones. In the most recent study, only 27% of gender dysphoric children remained committed to the opposite gender to that of their birth following puberty. Delaying puberty can often do more harm than good.

base9 · 13/03/2015 22:15

I wonder if she might benefit from counselling if she is unhappy. Not to change her mind, just to give her an impartial outlet and support. It has got to be tough on her coming up to puberty. You seem wonderfully supportive and she is lucky to have a mum who listens to her, especially on an issue this important.

tootsweets · 13/03/2015 22:22

He is having counselling and play therapy. His name is a gender neutral nickname. Of course we will it rush anything. But it is more than bring a tomboy. To him he is male at this present time. Just want him to be happy and comfortable in his own skin. Not considering any medication. I am being led by him.

TheoriginalLEM · 13/03/2015 22:26

I echo those that say that you sound like a fantastic mum, your DD is lucky to have you.

i would however mention this to her GP, there are several genetic disorders (sorry thats a shite word) that can result in a person appearing to be female but are actually genetically male and vice verse, although they are rare and many of them would have other severe symptoms that would be quite obvious by now. Take a look at this link and also here for some biological explanations.

Like you say, you love her whatever she chooses, whoever she is, she is still the same person, but you want her to have support and be able to make informed decisions about her future and what she wants to do. I think you have done amazingly that she feels so comfortable in her own skin, that is a credit to you because lets face it, many young people have body issue images even as young as 10. I found those links really interesting because they show that there are options out there.

I would most definately listen to her though and carry on being the lovely understanding mum that you are, just get armed with information for you and for her

YouAreMyRain · 13/03/2015 22:30

I was similar to some of the previous posters. Total tomboy, always climbing trees, playing soldiers etc, HATED anything girly, cried and cried at the onset of puberty. I was desperate to be a boy. Loved being mistaken for one.
After puberty I was comfortable in my skin again, happy to be an adult female with an identify consistent with that of my birth. I thought I might be a lesbian, I'm not. Straight with three kids.
If I had been given the option of calling myself Tom, being known as male and stopping puberty I would have done it but it would have been wrong for me, I was too young. Not once post puberty have I regretted being female or thought I should be male. Not even for a second and I had a female to male trans friend at 16 so was well aware of the possibilities.

You are doing all the right things. Sadly society is very male/female orientated, especially through childhood. I would bombard your DD with female role models that break down stereotypes, the complete opposite of most mainstream female celebs. Some will be lesbian but not all (sadly they are under my radar and I can't name names)

Good luck

avocadotoast · 13/03/2015 22:35

Sounds like you're definitely doing the right thing by your child, OP

I think just take it step by step. Use the gender pronouns your child asks you to. You don't need to make a big deal out of it. Keep offering your support and like others have said, check out where you can get support yourself.

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