daughter wants to be a boy

[Hullabaloo9]

My daughter is 10 years old. She has ALWAYS been a tomboy. As a toddler she always liked "boy stuff". We are open minded people so we had no problem with her choosing the "blue" options. She has always been confident about being different to her peers and so happy in her own skin.

She has preferred boys clothes for so many years and all her close friends have been boys since she started school. This has never worried me as I was a bit of a tomboy myself and she has been happy in herself.

Recently, with the onset of puberty she has been developing major crushes on girls (famous girls, not real life) who are famously gay. She obsesses. No problem I think, maybe she is gay. It fits, sounds likely with hindsight and would not be a problem for any of her family. Obviously I don't mention any if this to her, she is happy so thats fine.

Recently she asked for her hair cut short like a boy and since then she has dramatically been want to be identified as male. I have told her that I love her as an individual and all she must concentrate on, at her age, is being a good person and that what ever she wants when she is older will be ok.

She seems so unhappy. Often talks of changing her name on the school register to her chosen boys name and wants her gender changed on her passport.

I feel like I have been as open minded as I can be. I love her so much as an individual whatever will be, but I find it hard to know what to say to her as she is only 10 and I know that her feelings may change.

Please please offer your opinions.

As a former 10yr old girl who was desperate to be a boy, I disagree with changing the gender pronoun of a child. It would have confused me and influenced me. I am now a happy adult female.

You do sound like an incredible mum.

I know I would really struggle with this situation and actually think most people would.

From an instinctive, uninformed viewpoint though - I would say wait before referring to your daughter as a boy or letting her change her name. Especially after reading the stories about the posters who were the same as your child at 10 but are now happily identifying females.

I think you need to get advice on this - it's not something that can be dealt with intuitively. Talk to as many people as you can and get as much info as can.

My DS (DD?) is now 16, and came out to me as trans at 15. Currently lives a double life, online, among friends is female (but acknowledges being trans) but in real life is still technically male. We are waiting to get into a gender identity clinic and begin hormone therapy, and I am also waiting to begin counselling myself, as accepting this and being supportive is tough - not because I don't agree with it - not at all - but because I need to deal with the "loss" of my son.

I wish you the best, but please do not dismiss this as a phase as some posters have suggested. Give your child the benefit of the doubt, no one knows their heart better than they do.

If you would like to speak with me out of the "public eye", OP (and others in the same situation) please feel free to message me.

Last comment in a row (I hope)...

In retrospect, I actually wish I had known sooner. Because puberty (and related growth spurt) have hit, now we are backpedaling. There is no way to "undo" a height of over 6'

If medical treatment is pursued, hormone "blockers" are the first step. If your child discovers that gender change is not the right direction for them, the blockers can be stopped and puberty will resume.

In our case, this isn't possible - now we are working on counselling, stopping self harm, and the goal of a "gender reidentification" when schools are changed, at the beginning of uni.

CallMeExhausted
It's not "dismissing it as a phase" if it turns out to be non permanent though is it? 73% of young people in this situation do grow out of it (according to PP) It's about being open minded, 10 is very young. At 10 I absolutely wanted to be male. Hated the onset of puberty. Cried and sobbed at my changing body. I was overjoyed when people thought I was a boy. I had short hair, preferred "boys things" wanted to be a soldier etcetera

Luckily it was 1983 and no one suggested that I was aware and mature enough to choose my own gender, no one started calling me "him", there were no conversations with school/drs etc.

Thank God! It would have been the worst thing that could happen!! The worst!!

Looking back I suspect that I wanted freedom to do male things that were restricted to females. It was obvious to a 10yr old in 1983 that women had less choices. I was reacting to society, not my body.

The problem here is that society is not equal. There is too much pressure to conform to gender stereotypes. And another problem is our language, we can only use "he" or "she" when describing a person. If it didn't matter who climbed trees/wore dresses/chose blue things/had long hair then there would be no need for people to struggle with gender identity. It's extrinsic, not intrinsic. It's to do with our toxically polarised environment. Pink bloody pens marketed especially for females etc

The OP needs to hear a range of experiences. What may be right for your child might not be right for hers.

I've no advice but just wanted to say how lovely you are for the way you are handling this. I wish everyone had such a accepting and supportive mother as you.

OP, I was like your child. Would've given anything to "be" a boy, cut my hair short, wore only boys' clothing, pursued a sport I wasn't even good at because it was so important to my gender identity in the confusing, binary world of children. I was also petrified of puberty, and still as an adult I'm not sure I will ever be able to separate the issues of sex education trauma and gender dysphoria in my own case. I have quite a dominant personality and didn't want to be penetrated sexually or chained down by monthly pain and leakage. (That much is rational.) I didn't identify with any of the perceived "perks" of being female, i.e. childbirth (always wanted to adopt), freedom of expression with makeup and clothes (compared to boys), using my body to buy favours (that really was the way it seemed to me at that age). All of this just goes to show that children are given a damagingly limited view of what women and girls can/should achieve.

Now in my 20s, I still have my female body, and take continuous contraceptives to stave off periods (something I wish I'd been allowed to do from 13 as endometriosis made me suicidal in the context of gender issues). I've had relationships with guys, but can't really comment as I'm asexual. I identify as gender fluid/GQ, meaning in my case that the way I feel about my gender identity is still not always consistent from hour to hour. It doesn't cause a lot of problems in itself; in fact I think everybody has fluctuations in self-image even if not gender-related. I have fairly hairy arms which I leave intact (but sometimes shave my legs - I can't even explain ). I've had a wide array of hairstyles and clothing fads, phases of being into makeup and phases of not wearing it - none of which I will claim is particularly unusual.

I'm fairly happy within myself, but have a long history of mental health problems and risky behaviour rooted in dysphoria, and this is in spite of a stable upbringing with parents who let me identify however I wanted and never made a fuss. Unfortunately, school can have just as big of a negative influence as anything the parents do, and while I think it is better now than it was for me, I would say I owe my relative stability to my parents and my remaining issues to the peer group and teachers I had at school. Some teachers would blame symptoms of ASD and dyspraxia on my being a "typical girl", which understandably made me feel that every aspect of my life was out of my control. I was truly miserable from about 10 to 20, and wouldn't have been able to explain why. Do watch out for nail biting, dieting and risky behaviour as in my own experience these were caused by anxiety, self-loathing and ownership issues with my body. I would try not to eat because losing weight made my breasts smaller - something which is often overlooked when counselling for eating disorders. I would drink until I didn't care who or where I was, and engage in sexual activities I didn't like because I was detached from my body and only wanted approval from others. I'm not trying to scare you, but a realistic view is the best thing you could possibly bring to the situation. My parents' optimism and love was never quite enough. Kids think something is "wrong" with them when no one outside the family understands them, and they often do things they wouldn't choose freely for the sake of fitting in. I don't want this for anybody else and that is why I'm being so honest.

I wish you and your child only happiness. I truly believe that people don't "change", so much as react to the hand they are dealt. Surrounding your child with things which encourage them to grow on the inside will help them cope with that which is non-ideal on the outside. If the child is gender fluid, they will be better off learning to ride the waves and express themselves honestly than living in fear of when the next "switch" will be, or being ashamed of the mix of interests and abilities they have got. (A child who "seems" trans could be GQ as the things they do which "fit" their birth sex stand out less than the things they do which don't "fit".) If the child is transgender, again, they are best off allowed to be themselves and encouraged not to see things as binary - without a sense of finality. It is really difficult to provide catch-all guidance on when/whether to transition, as every person is different and what is a regrettable indulgence for some may be the greatest gift to others. You can of course play it safe by allowing a nickname / informal name change well ahead of any plans to make it official. (I had an unusual name growing up, and never liked it until I was around 20, but it doesn't make much difference to my life now.) The less you fight it, and the less finality encouraged, the more likely the child is to feel that it isn't a big deal and enter adulthood with a strong sense of self. Best of luck.

YouAreMyRain I love your post; wanting to be a man in 1983 would be a symptom of rationality before anything else! Society is so binarist that it's a wonder anyone reaches adulthood intact. I do believe there is such thing as "true" transgenderism, but in many, many cases the real problem is that people are made to feel like they cannot express themselves or identify as anything which isn't an absolute.

I agree that the language needs to change; not the person. "He" and "she" are unnecessary words; they tell us nothing which is relevant for non-reproductive purposes, and create divisions where identification is needed. Some little boys relate fine to Ramona Quimby, but it's stamped out of them before very long. Just as many children have had walls built around them out of colour-coded blocks before they are old enough to read. When will we be able to simply be?

My son is also 10 and was born as a female, he has very happily been living as a male for a year now.

I firstly talked to the school (although we had to change schools throughout the process) and they were great, they referred him to CAHMS gave him support, but it wasn't an overnight thing, they had a lot of work to do in school first for the other pupils rather than my son. When we moved he was (eventually) allowed to start school as a male.

He has counselling and has been referred to a specialist clinic and will start puberty blockers soon.

It's a scary process, and has been a long process, and I have looked at all the statistics etc. All I can do is support him, even if this is a 'phase' the way he feels right now is valid and it's my job to support him whether it lasts another month or a lifetime.

Throughout his my son has lost his dad due to how he feels, my mother reports us to social services regularly, he has faced discrimination and general dismissal of his feelings from most people who know. It's really not an easy road, I discussed this at length with him before he began making the transition into living as a male, even through all he has been through he has never been happier.

Mermaids was also recommended to me when I posted here for advice and they are a really understanding and supportive group so do have a look when you can.

good luck.

I agree with youaremyrain and others who have posted about wanting to be as a boy as a child.

I loathed the idea of being a girl until I was early teens and had got used to periods etc. For me it wasn't a phase but it was just a step on the way to growing up and if I had been given hormones etc I would never have got the chance to know that.

I am genuinely happy that nothing was done. Therapy may have been helpful, but not therapy that was geared towards transition, just therapy where I could talk about how scary I found being female.

Good post YouaremyRain. I was a similar child (1967), had strong feelings of 'wanting to be a boy' pre-puberty, insisted on my hair being cut short, wore shorts and used a boy's name when I could. I still remember the delight and relief I felt whenever I was taken for a boy.

The feelings, while compelling at the time, just went away and left no trace. I am relieved beyond words when I think that these days something official might have been set in motion to deal with my 'gender dysphoria'.

While it's fairly common for children to have these feelings and to naturally move on from them, it does seem that in a minority the feelings persist. You are obviously a loving and supportive parent, OP, and clearly your DD has your ear and your support no matter what, and I wish you and DD the best of luck.

youaremyrain - brilliant post.

There was a good thread recently about what 'feeling like a girl/woman' is - there was no definitive answer.
Society pushes 'normal' gender distinctions - things are just things, not 'boy things' and 'girl things'. If everything was gender non-specific, then why would anyone feel 'wrong'? Whether you have a penis or not is the only actual difference between the sexes.

I have no specific advice or any life experience but I just wanted to say that there are some wonderful, supportive and open minded parents on here. It warms the cockles of my heart. :)

"If everything was gender non-specific, then why would anyone feel 'wrong'? Whether you have a penis or not is the only actual difference between the sexes."

That's it, IMO - the heart of the matter.

I desperately wanted to be a boy growing up. I had short hair, always dressed in trousers, played with boys toys etc.

I remember being insanely jealous when my mum gave birth to triplet boys when I was 6 years old - not because of any rational sibling jealousy - but because they were all boys. Why couldn't I have been a boy like them?

I remember crying bitter tears when they were all learning to wee standing up, and I couldn't! I desperately wanted a willy! Then the same again 2 years later when my mum had a 4th boy. It was just so unfair that all the other children she'd had were the boy I so desperately wanted to be.

Such condition such as gender disphoria didn't exist back then and I guess somehow I must have gotten over it. I am still a woman - straight and married with 3 daughters, and DC number 4 on the way! I'm not entirely convinced that had I had the chance to change genders that it would have been the right decision, but will watch this thread with interest.

From a biomedical point of view, 10 yrs old is perfect. It's pre-puberty. Technically it's easier to stop puberty than reverse it. Great. Problem sorted.

Unfortunately 10 yrs old is not the right age to be making any decisions like this. You wouldn't let a ten year old make any other big decision. I wouldn't let a ten year old decide what car we bought or where we went on holiday.

As myself and other posters have said, we had to go through puberty to find ourselves, to be at one with our womanhood.

It terrifies me that if I was a ten yr old now, I could be given the power to choose to grow up as a trans man rather than go through puberty naturally and accept my womanhood, be happy in my skin, mother to three dc etc etc

What YouAreMyRain said ^^ All of it. I would also add that as a parent there is an incredibly difficult line to tread between being supportive, and being encouraging. And as children want to please their parents there is a danger that they will be trying to please you rather than be fully themselves.

YOU sound great OP. I do agree about what other posters have said about wanting to be a boy. As liberal and neutral as you have been with your dd, the rest of the world isn't like that. The rest of the world sees gender and sex as inextricably linked. Which is bullshit. Because they aren't for people who are allowed to be themselves. People have linked on MN before to studies about girls like your daughter who don't go on to transition tend to be just identify as not particularly "feminine" gay women as adults. Once you go down the transitioning route you kind of have to keep it up and it's not that easy to go back. In your circumstances I would not consider any kind of intervention for my daughter and just do my best to continue as I was.

Feelings around gender are quite common amongst children. Very few actually go onto be trans as adults however.

I would let a 10 year old wear what they want, cut their hair etc. I wouldn't at that age support a name or pronoun change though, as that could be influencing them into something that on the law of averages is just a phase. I just wouldn't make much of a deal out of it at all at 10 really.

Surely, it depends on the child!!

I have a 5YO girl, who attends school and I certainly wouldn't allow her to make drastic decisions, because I see how happy and confident she is and any 'drama' over things is just surface deep.

I have a 6YO boy who I deregged from school at age 4 because he asked me to. He said 'Mummy, I don't like school' and I listened to him and I took him out. He has since been diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and a whole range of sensory issues. He is happy and confident out of school. It was what he wanted and what he needed.

I believe, as parents, if our children know that we support them NO MATTER WHAT, then they can communicate with us... And sometimes, You know that the time is right to support your child.

For anyone who says they couldn't or wouldn't allow such a young child to make such a radical decision... I will say: I don't think you've ever met a child with such a dilemma.

I know it's not the same thing, but I would say to any parent whose child is PERSISTANTLY saying there is a better, happier way for them to live their lives, which is not negative or harmful in any way, LISTEN. SUPPORT. ADJUST.

It's so important. The figures for MH are truly shocking. Well done (IMHO) to all parents who support their children through unchartered waters.

IAATAUI