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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to effectively pay my dd to stay away from social media?

51 replies

NoonarAgain · 13/03/2015 12:14

dd is 13 and due to change school soon. we've had a string of upsets relating to texts and Instagram messages since year 6, despite careful efforts to moderate their use.

dd is an anxious, slightly obsessive, very sensitive but also very sociable. she cares far too much about what other people think and is prone to friendship dramas.

i just think that due to her personality type, she is the worst possible candidate for using social media and dread the day when she asks to have Facebook account.

IMO, with social media, there is no escape or sanctuary at home. playground tittle tattle and gossip are played out after school in what should be the private home environment. the posting of photos by friends is interpreted by dd as everyone else having more fun than me/ me not being included.

AIBU to offer dd double pocket money in return for agreeing to a pact hat she has no social media? we discussed this yesterday after a big upset at school involving dd and social media. she is keen to take me up on this as she has had her fingers burned, but i wonder what others think.

i feel really strongly that social media can be really toxic and feel that i want to protect dd from it.

OP posts:

ssd · 13/03/2015 12:18

sorry but dont kid yourself

this is just the start aged 13.....

better to have a talk with her re boundaries and behaviour rather than paying her to stay away from it all

what will you do when she's 18, pay her to stay away from boys and the pub?

sorry, throwing money at it isn't the answer, even if its easier for you.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 13/03/2015 12:22

ssd, see i don't mind boys and pubs. thats real life. i just feel that this whole social media thing is uniquely toxic and that other generations haven't had to deal with it.

its not just about boundaries, imo. for some it just gets under their skin.

OP posts:

BeananTee · 13/03/2015 12:26

OP i have two ddd aged 12 and 14 and i would be very interested in your idea and how it goes as my girls spend way too much time on instagram etc and it does disrupt homework and family time to a large extent. If you do this and it seems to be working could you let us know here as i would be quite interested in trying your idea out too, the question is how much cash is enough to keep them away from this stuff!!

Runningupthathill82 · 13/03/2015 12:30

I think this is unworkable and naive, sorry. She's going to get on social media one day, and attempting to throw money at the issue is not going to stop that.

Best to talk to her and help her deal with any issues as they arise, instead?

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 13/03/2015 12:32

thanks for your interest, beanan. i will do. funnily enough, i also have a second dd and i don't have the same worries about her. there has been lots in the news about the increase in self harm and the impact of social media on emotional well being.

my dd 1 is quite extreme in her emotions and has done some foolish things already (not bullying) but things that make her very vulnerable.

so i am asking myself how bad it needs to get before i step in and protect her from all this shite.

as i say, she's moving school in september and i don't see social media as part of a smooth transition!

OP posts:

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 13/03/2015 12:33

x post, running. i've tried that many many times and we've had a lot of angst despite this.

OP posts:

BeananTee · 13/03/2015 12:37

To those posters who say she is going to going on social media eventually anyway well yes, sure she is, but isn't it best to try and delay that for as long as possible, at least through those very vulnerable teen years of 12 to 16. I think if they can make it to 17 or even 16b without getting caught up in the 24/7 relentless self-esteem sapping behemoth that is social media for teenage girls then possible by 16 or 17 they will be tough enough and strong enough within themselves to cope with the slings and arrows of said media.

Surely its worth a try at least? Whats wrong with throwing money at a problem, oftentimes it actually works...

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 13/03/2015 12:40

beanan, i couldn't agree more. maybe she will go on it eventually, but clearly at the moment her judgement is very poor, and her reaction to other peoples' messages is quite extreme. no amount of chatting about boundaries is going to stop her being upset and emotional. she needs to mature before she can cope with it.

OP posts:

ssd · 13/03/2015 12:47

the trouble is, she'll hear about it at school

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 13/03/2015 12:47

How is she going to mature without experiencing and evaluating? I don't think throwing money is the way personally, I would think that a 16/17 year old just starting on social media may well be more vulnerable that a carefully monitored 12/13 year old who has the opportunity to talk/discuss with and learn from their parents.

ssd · 13/03/2015 12:49

noonar, you wrote about other generations not having to deal with social media, which is very true, but to your dd's generation social media is the norm, and its far better to teach her to deal with it all rather than paying her to stay away and not having to have to deal with it

butterfly2015 · 13/03/2015 12:49

I'd be more inclined to talk to her about choosing carefully who she adds. Who are real friends rather than adding everyone in school and then becoming caught up in a bitch fest.

If you have Facebook show her your account, let her see your friends putting up photos (that don't include you), that there are no arguments or fighting.

Social media is a tool. My oldest is 16, she's been on fb since the age of 10, firstly under a made up surname and extremely closely monitored and we had a very long talk about not getting caught up in drama, that being funny or witty is better than being nasty and she's never had any problems.

Not letting her go on it won't stop her issues, she will feel even more left out and she might well end up opening an account behind your back which you can't monitor.

I say open one but put down rules, time allowed on it, no strops about being left out and you will check it daily. First time she kicks off the account gets deactivated. Give her a chance to prove she can act maturely.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 13/03/2015 12:50

i know, ssd. and there will be an element of sacrifice, hence the double pocket money as a way of getting her to buy into the whole idea. she has already confessed that she was happier before she got her smart phone as she could only text and so didn't have the same problems.

OP posts:

rebelfor · 13/03/2015 12:51

YANBU. I totally agree, the bullying which happens on Facebook in my 10 year old daughter's class is horrific.

I'm keeping my daughter off it for as long as is possible, although she stands out like a sore thumb now for not having it because the majority of the others do.

ssd · 13/03/2015 12:54

social media is unfortunately a fact of life for kids now and most of them would be lost without it

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 13/03/2015 12:55

butterfly, thanks for your post. I'm going round in circles a bit here :-)

the trouble is...
There is no rule or boundary or time limit in the world that will alter the fact that social media use is currently affecting my dds self esteem. and she is articulating this very clearly to me. she knows it's causing her real angst and that she is happier when we've had periodic 'bans' in the past.

she can't magically mature into a person who will be unaffected.

i'm not saying it'll necessarily be forever.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 13/03/2015 12:56

but the lost without it thing is surely a sign they are somewhat addicted. i see that overcoming that would be a good thing.

rebel. sympathies x

OP posts:

BeananTee · 13/03/2015 12:56

'How is she going to mature without experiencing and evaluating?"

The way the rest of us managed to mature between the ages of 12 and 16 before social media came along i imagine. Facebook and Instagram aren't vital to the development of the young female adolescent mind i don't think.

SSD I agree where it gets tricky is in school where, invariably op's daughter will possible feel left out or excluded due to discussion of what the latest is on instagram BBM or whatever.

However I would prefer my daughter to feel a bit excluded than to feel bullied, upset, or victimised due to access to these sites.

Its all well and good to say that the 12 or 13 year old can be monitored and discuss issues that maybe have affected them badly with their parents but often kids of this age tend not to confide in their parents as they are afraid, ashamed or just want to have their privacy intact and also worry that if they let their parents see the extent of some of the nastiness on these sites then their parents will (understandably) want to ban them from using them.

Many parents are wholly unaware of their kids being bullied on these sites until a suicide attempt occurs.

Mehitabel6 · 13/03/2015 12:57

A bit like Canute trying to turn back the tide!

Why is a 10 yr old on FB? Too young.

ssd · 13/03/2015 12:57

well if you think paying her extra pocket money is the answer then go for it

what do you do when she asks for it back and it upsets her again, give her even more money to stay away?

if shes happier without it get her her old phone back and let the smart phone get lost...

Mehitabel6 · 13/03/2015 12:59

Social media is here to stay- best to learn to handle it rather than stay off.

ssd · 13/03/2015 12:59

and FWIW social media terrifies me, but I'd far rather my tens tried to learn to deal with it then I gave them money to stay away and keep my fingers crossed its improved by the time I feel they are ready for it

ssd · 13/03/2015 12:59

teens not tens, they arent that young!!

BeananTee · 13/03/2015 13:03

I would also say that even when they just have their friends on Facebook and other sides, a lot of the bitchiness can come from within their own social circle, girls they hang out with on a daily basis.

Just because something has become a fact of life in todays world doesn't mean we have to buy in to it.

I really am at the point where OP is now where i am seriously thinking of some form of banning or serious restriction on these things. I only have a window of two or three years now that i can still influence this situation and as far as i can see, social media sites for the under 16s leads to way more problems and unhappiness, which far outweigh any benefits they may have to offer.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 13/03/2015 13:06

this thread is interesting. i'm aware that people with views like mine and beanan's are in the minority, but i feel really passionately about. (perhaps it was more of a debate than an AIBU that i was after, as i'm going to be very stubborn and try out my idea anyway, lol!)

ssd and mehitabel, i do see your point but just instinctively feel that a long break from it is right for my own older dd. this not be necessary for other teens.

OP posts:

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