AIBU to effectively pay my dd to stay away from social media?

[NoonarAgain]

dd is 13 and due to change school soon. we've had a string of upsets relating to texts and Instagram messages since year 6, despite careful efforts to moderate their use.

dd is an anxious, slightly obsessive, very sensitive but also very sociable. she cares far too much about what other people think and is prone to friendship dramas.

i just think that due to her personality type, she is the worst possible candidate for using social media and dread the day when she asks to have Facebook account.

IMO, with social media, there is no escape or sanctuary at home. playground tittle tattle and gossip are played out after school in what should be the private home environment. the posting of photos by friends is interpreted by dd as everyone else having more fun than me/ me not being included.

AIBU to offer dd double pocket money in return for agreeing to a pact hat she has no social media? we discussed this yesterday after a big upset at school involving dd and social media. she is keen to take me up on this as she has had her fingers burned, but i wonder what others think.

i feel really strongly that social media can be really toxic and feel that i want to protect dd from it.

OP I think we are swimming against the tide with this view on things, but as a mum you should trust your instincts as you know your daughter best. You should keep us posted, (start a blog on it!) I don't see social media sites as inherently bad, but, like alcohol, sex, and other things that we are better experiencing with a bit of maturity in us, they are not really adding much to our young daughters lives at this stage of their development, and instead are possibly making a difficult stage of life even more difficult to navigate.

I have a 10 year old whose friends are staring to use instagram etc
I think she's starting to feel the pressure to be joining in.
I think I can put it off quite easily for a year or two yet.
But then...?
I think you are right to delay it longer and yanbu

wise words, beanan! (you were being ironic about the blog, right? lol )

thanks sister.

She will see it all anyway - on the school bus, at school and whenever she spends time with friends.

I don't blame you for trying to delay the inevitable but I agree with those who have said that it's better to teach children to handle difficult situations rather than avoid them.

I think it's also a mistake to pay children to comply with a rule, that's a slippery slope you don't want to go down IMO.

How do you plan to police this? My teenager would take the money and do it anyway, and really she is a very ordinary teen - not especially rebellious or difficult.

The bigger issue is that you'll struggle to identify all the social media she's likely to use as it tends to change regularly. I remember my teenager telling me a couple of years ago that facebook was for old people. Tumblr was the big thing then (I'd never even heard of it at the time), more recently they were using snapchat a lot.

My teen is a sensible user so obviously that colours my view, but really there comes a point where they will do it anyway (and in my experience that is before 13!)

I think you would have difficulty keeping up with it-FB is only part of social media.

My sons filled me in on social media-lots of things I had never heard of!

I hate social media. When my DD (now almost 18) began high school she had a facebook account and it just caused us both angst. She was finding it difficult settling in, felt excluded if she wasn't tagged or mentioned in status updates. Hated seeing loads of photos of people apparently having a "great time" without her and after about 2 months decided it wasn't for her and closed her account. Until recently she has had NO social media at all, she recently got snapchat but has a very limited amount of contacts on it. Crucially it was her decision the way she dealt with it.

DS (aged 13) is a social media hound, never off Instagram/Kik/Snapchat etc. but seems to be able to handle it well and has never had any problems with it (touch wood!) so I have to accept that he can deal with it maturely and sensibly and enjoy its benefits.

But I have to say I think your "solution" is deeply flawed. Your DD is going to have to learn to police this herself. If that means not having any kind of account, then so be it, but she has to come to that conclusion herself, stay off it if it's causing her angst and not be bribed or persuaded by extra money. It will just make the whole thing seem more tantalising if it's perceived as forbidden.

Sorry your DD is having this kind of relationship with it and her "friends" but she needs to learn how to resolve conflict by herself.

How will you know if she goes on it anyway? She could take the money and still go on it. I could imagine at that age that's what i would probably do.
Im over 30 and still had social media. Not facebook, but msn, faceparty and myspace.
How do you know at 16 or 17 she will be able to cope with it then?
What if she still goes on it but then after taking the money feels she can't talk to you about it?
I don't agree sm is all bad. Some people have problems with it, but not all. I'v never had any problems at all on any sm i'v been on.

I think that social media has an awful lot to answer for, I have recently banned my dd (12) from instagram and she is a lot happier for it.
All those saying not to get her to give it up as she will end up using in the future is like saying to buy a mobile phone for a 6 year old because they will have one eventually !
She may be relieved to be banned from it and she can give the extra pocket Money as a reason to her friends so she doesn't lose face. If she will buy in to it, I would go for it. Why not suggest that she goes without social media for 6 weeks or 2 months as a trial and then let her decide whether she would prefer access to it or the money...if she chooses to go back on instagram or whatever you can do some work with her on the do's and dont's.
There is a good website called thinkyouknow.co.uk which is good for online safety, and Vodafone do a magazine called digital parenting which I would recommend , you can order it on their website.

My dd is almost 11 and I have 2 younger sons. I have explained to them all that I won't be allowing them to use social media until I am sure they are emotionally mature enough to deal with the inevitable bullshit that goes hand in hand with these sites.

I don't feel that they will be missing out, in fact I think it will give them space from feeling like they must interact with their peers at any hour of the day. Bullying is a huge problem on social media too, and I just don't see the point in opening up that can of worms just yet.

None of my kids have a mobile phone either and the only reason I'll get them each a simple one is because they have to go to secondary school in a different town. There really is no need for a young teen to have access to a smartphone or social media. Truly.

One of the downsides of forbidding social media, or paying them not to use it, is that your children will probably not feel comfortable talking to you when they are exposed to a difficult-to-handle social media situation (which they will be, even if it is only second half through friends).

"Second hand" that should say

My 15 yr old dd turned her back on social media, chat rooms etc last year. It made my day as she couldn't cope with it emotionally.

We talked a lot about how it made her feel and how little pleasure it brought her over the last couple of years (yes, years ).

Ultimately it was her decision though. I would try to enable her to make her own decision to step away from it if it gets too much for her.

I let DD have social media early at 11 on the condition I controlled it...
The other option was wait another two years.

She chose to have it early, we discussed what she posted, what others posted, suitable reply's, when not replying was the best option.
She is dyslexic so words are not her strong point.
By 13 I was confident she was confident and just monitored it, flagging up the occasional thing.
By about 15 I stayed totally out of it. 16 now and whilst I keep out of it she regularly asks my advice on photos to post or my opinions of others actions or her responses.
Sometimes totally ignores my advice... as it should be.
Worked really well.

Yes like thornrose DD is barely on it now.

I agree with you OP but wonder if extra pocket money will work. Once she gets used to the extra cash, she might feel she is getting a poor deal.

I'd also be worried about her sneaking onto facebook or whatever, instead of doing it openly, so she didn't lose the cash incentive. Then she might not ask for your help when she needs it because she thinks you will be cross.

Worth a try though - good luck.

To offer money to stay off it - bonkers, IMO

Sets up situations ripe for deceit, dishonesty, secrecy...

I bet you won't be that chilled about her going out on the lash and going out in cars with boys when the time comes, either

I think better to work through feelings as they arise whilst keeping open and honest dialogue going about the social media rather than removing it.

All the feelings you've mentioned your dd experiencing - excluded, left out - I remember from my secondary years and I didn't have social media!

I think things like this can be trickier with dc1 tbh

Your DD recognises that when she's not part of the social network she's happier, so I'm confused why money has to change hands? Do you seriously think that you paying her is going to make it easier to reject the pressure of joining the social network? Paying her gives you a false sense of security and could distract you away from the ongoing dialogue that may need to be had over this.

I understand your apprehension, I really do but I think your energies would be better employed on getting her support for her anxieties and equipping her with skills to protect her own boundaries.

You can not be with her 24/7 and the older she gets, the greater the responsibility to encourage her to aquire the skills to make better judgements when your not around.

My dd is Y6 and they are all on Instagram/snap chat/kik. No bullying yet though the odd hint of it. I quite like dd being on it now as we can discuss dodgy comments/ ridiculous pouting in a way I think is going to become more tricky as shd gets older.

At the moment her tablet is broken so she is using my phone to access it. That seems to have contained it brilliantly. So I wonder if she cd put her accounts on your phone and access them for a short period? Might help.

What is she using? Do you have a family computer ipad? I would go half way and strip the phone maybe leave snap chat or kik?

Have her accounts for the rest on the family ipad and give her limited access to the rest. She can tell her friends that she is getting double the money but can only access one (what ever is in vogue) at a time tell her to blame mum!! or as fellowship33 has done try that for a while. It is the same when they are little and want to watch tv, eat sweets all day . Some kids self regulate, some have to go cold turkey!! Some need to have it restricted. Good luck it is great that you are aware and trying to find a solution for the problem together. I think you have already come really far in that it seems she can see there is a problem too!!

OP I understand where you are coming from. I think social media amplifies the impact of the peer group and that is fine for some kids but very damaging for others. I agree that your dd might handle social media better when she is older. I know a girl that wasn't allowed it until she was fifteen and she is confident, popular, happy and doesn't feel she missed out. I just wonder if giving your dd extra pocket money is the best approach. If tje issue is about your dd's self esteem and relationships with friends perhaps you could consider a monthly day out with family or her friends instead of money. I also think you would have to do it on a trial basis and rethink if your dd feels very left out.

I think looking at other ways of developing your DDs self esteem and widening her world may help her de- focus from social media.
Does she have any hobbies or activites?

OP I paid my dd not to start smoking, promised her at age 12 that I would give her £500 on her 18th if she hadn't started (as a non smoker I knew I would smell it on her) I know it's not the same, but it worked, many of her friends did take it up. A lit of people disapproved about what I did at the time by the way. If you feel your dd would be better off learning how to deal with social media at a later age then go for it.