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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is Red Flag behaviour at school?

32 replies

ihatelego · 13/03/2015 07:35

DS came up to me first thing this morning and told me "(said child) watches me on the toilet at school and I don't like it."

He's in reception, 5 and according to him this particular boy always watches him even though he doesn't like it and he doesn't want him to see his private area. He's told the boy to stop but the boy says he will tell him off.

This particular boy is very much in charge of a lot of the boys in reception and my son often tells me he struggles to say no to him or get away from him if he wants to.

Add to this the fact that at school and birthday parties this boy has pulled my son's trousers and pants down "because he wants to look at me" and my son may also need a medical circumcision soon.

Is this something sinister and serious or just what kids that age do? :S

OP posts:
LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 13/03/2015 07:38

It's unacceptable and needs reporting to the school, and you're son needs to be reassured that he has a right to privacy and to tell a teacher if this right is being ignored.

I don't know if this would be seen as a concern as to what boundaries are had at home, or rather just a boy being unpleasant.

MidniteScribbler · 13/03/2015 07:40

Teacher. Immediately.

Original poster
ihatelego · 13/03/2015 07:43

Ok thank you I'm planning on speaking to the teacher about it, I've brought up about the trousers being pulled down before and they said to tell them if it happens again but now it seems to only be happening at parties.. in a way I want it to happen at school again so it can be properly addressed!

My DP is being quite unhelpful and I'm not sure if pregnancy hormones are making me over-react or not as DS told me that a lot of the kids do it.. I'm just considering as well if he has this circumcision he'll obviously be quite different down there and I don't want other kids to make him feel self conscious about it etc obviously he has a right to privacy and dignity.

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londonrach · 13/03/2015 07:44

Talk to the teacher re this quietly away from little ears. Id be worried!

dancestomyowntune · 13/03/2015 07:44

Speak to the teacher. That isn't on and I would be concerned in your shoes.

Morelikeguidelines · 13/03/2015 08:18

Speak to the teacher. It is also in other boy's best interests that you do.

Original poster
ihatelego · 13/03/2015 08:41

Do you think it is quite serious though? as in the nature of it? as usually it's sort of brushed off as they say they'll tell the lunchtime supervisor or that DS is very happy and settled but I'm feeling increasingly concerned. What action would you expect them to take?

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TwoOddSocks · 13/03/2015 09:57

Definitely report it. Your son should be entitled to privacy and this boy might well need help. Could be something inappropriate happening to him at home or just curiosity in which case he needs help learning about boundaries.

DuchessofCuntbridge · 13/03/2015 09:57

I think this needs to be stopped by the school. It's most likely just a standard little boy obsession with willies that will disappear very soon, but I do appreciate that, for you, there is always the worry that the boy doing it will go too far and it will cross over into something different.

Put your mind at ease and make your son feel less uncomfortable by speaking to the school and making sure that they deal with it

storynanny2 · 13/03/2015 10:01

I teach reception a lot on supply and agree you need to let the teacher know your concerns. It is something which the staff would take some action over.

SteppeAwayFromTheKeyboard · 13/03/2015 10:05

op, I agree with others that you need to tell the teacher.

thb, if this is a regular thing out of school, I would be phoning ss as well.

it is definitely red flag

AuntieStella · 13/03/2015 10:10

Definitely speak to the teacher.

The chances are that it's normal willy obsession, but the behaviours arising from that still need to be dealt with. If the teachers don't know there's a problem in the toilets, they can't intervene.

And of course if the roots of the behaviour are abusive, then it's even more important the the teachers know.

YouTheCat · 13/03/2015 10:12

Tell them. It is a safeguarding issue. I'm presuming the boy is the same age. What if he gets to year 6 and is still doing this but to younger children?

flibbetygibbett · 13/03/2015 10:19

I work with kids. It's not unusual for kids this age to be curious about each others bodies but your DS is entitled to privacy and this other boy needs to be supported to understand about personal space and private parts being private. It's not necessarily a "red flag" as in a sign of abuse but it needs to be reported to the school as they may be privy to information about this child that you are not and this behaviour may form part of a bigger picture.

TeenAndTween · 13/03/2015 11:30

Talk to the teacher.

If you don't think she is taking is seriously, then ask at the office who the teacher in charge of safeguarding is, and ask to talk to them.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 13/03/2015 11:35

what everyone else said. it is not necessarily a sign of anything untoward but it needs reporting, and the school need to act on it.

Your son needs to know he has the right to privacy and that he is absolutely right to always tell you/a teacher at once if anything/anyone makes him feel uncomfortable about private things.

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain · 13/03/2015 11:43

I has something similar a couple of years ago - but this was pinching/touching willy/bum area (clothed). All the bloody time. DS got it at the childminders, cubs and school. I kept telling DS to LOUDLY tell other boy to pack it in and tell the teachers etc, but once I caught the little shit (he was and still is a little shit, sorry if that offends anyone, but he is a vile child) going for DS in the playground a) I shouted at him and b) I wrote a two page letter to the school detailing the incidents, as I had seen for myself what was going on, at that DS had done NOTHING to provoke it. School took it very seriously, and I also talked to the cub leader and asked they to keep an eye out - turns out he'd been doing that and other things to other boys there too! Definitely nip it in the bud now! It did tail off after I shouted at the other kid in the playground (though if looks could kill I'd be six foot under by now, he glared at me for ages ha ha) and the letter, so definitely get school involved!

Original poster
ihatelego · 13/03/2015 11:50

ok thank you everyone i've arranged to speak to his teacher tonight, yes the boy is the same age but he's far bigger and more mature than the other boys he often decides who's playing what etc. His mum's lovely which makes it a bit awkward but hopefully it will be addressed appropriately as my son is very shy when it comes to telling teachers whats happening.

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Original poster
ihatelego · 13/03/2015 17:10

Teacher seems to be taking it seriously only problem is they have to physically see it for themselves before they can do much so will be keeping a very close eye and have spoken to DS with teacher about importance of telling them even if the boy tells him he'll be in trouble.

Very worrying though when speaking to the teacher DS said the boy will pretend to need a wee just so he can watch my son.

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bumbleymummy · 13/03/2015 17:17

Maybe now that it has been flagged up they can make sure that the other boy only gets out to the toilet when others have returned?

fizzycolagurlie · 13/03/2015 17:31

They don't need to "physically" see it happening to put a stop to it.
If that were the case they would need to accompany him (the boy in question) to the toilet each time he went.
They actually need to take more responsibility and set up a meeting with the boy's parents to find out what is going on and ask them to address his behavior. I would be worried, actually that he is possibly subject to something like this himself, at home.

DecaffTastesWeird · 13/03/2015 20:44

They need to see it happen before they can do much?! That is completely ridiculous. Are they planning some sort of police style sting op? They are little children, not supercrims! They don't need iron clad evidence to have a word with his parents or the boy himself and find out what is going on. I'm not saying they should go in all guns blazing, but do something.

Original poster
ihatelego · 13/03/2015 20:50

i don't know Confused teacher said they'd send an email to every member of staff so they all knew and could watch very closely.. it's like the trousers thing i'm annoyed that if they don't see it or he doesn't do it again this boy will never have actually been told - that's wrong don't do that.

Don't know if it's related but a few months ago i was also quite shocked to see this boy as i was driving back from school run, he was out of view of his mum with his girlfriend and was holding her and proper mouth to mouth kissing.. it was wierd!

DS is confirmed he'll be having a circumcision as well now so will be a sensitive area..

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DecaffTastesWeird · 13/03/2015 20:54

Girlfriend? He is 5?!

Original poster
ihatelego · 13/03/2015 21:01

i know.. i mean my DS has had the occasional "girlfriend" but they've only lasted a week or so and he didn't even know their names most of the time but yes when i saw this i wasn't sure how to react!

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