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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think intentention to be unfaithful is just as bad

43 replies

Dontknow87 · 13/03/2015 00:06

Name changed because I feel utterly humiliated. Today I was checking the joint account and saw a transaction to match.com, DP uses the same passwords for everything so I tried to log in as him to see if he did have an account and found that he spent 3 weeks chatting to various women on the website, including asking two of them for their telephone numbers. I confronted him and his excuse was that he was 'confused' and stopped when he realised how much he had to lose. He doesn't think it's that bad because he "didn't do anything". I feel utterly sick and humiliated. I still had a niggly feeling that he wasn't telling me everything so I had a look in his email and found that he had started another online dating profile back in June. Again, he says he was 'confused and having doubts'. In a way I could understand if he went out, got drunk and kissed someone, but this is plotting to be unfaithful. We're expecting a baby in four weeks time and have a 3 year old, I don't know whether to just pack our stuff and go. AIBU to think this is just as bad as being physically unfaithful? I'm sorely tempted to take my keys and scratch up his precious car.

OP posts:

RandomNPC · 13/03/2015 00:08

It would count as being unfaithful to me. 'Confused'? Bollocks.

RandomNPC · 13/03/2015 00:10

for the shock too. He's a disgrace.

ArcheryAnnie · 13/03/2015 00:12

I'm with you, OP. I could understand a stupid drunken shag (although it would hurt), but this is extended lying and planning to deceive. I would find that very difficult to come back from.

Advicewouldbehelpful · 13/03/2015 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Dontknow87 · 13/03/2015 00:18

When we were having problems around Christmas time he promised that he would start talking to me if he was having doubts or wasn't happy but instead he just does this. You can even see a f*cking chunk of my face in the profile picture where he's tried to crop me out!

OP posts:

YellowTulips · 13/03/2015 00:20

He's a faithless cunt. But you know that already or you wouldn't be posting.

What are you going to do about it?

RocketInMyPocket · 13/03/2015 00:23

I think this sounds like a classic case of 'not being shown enough attention'. Boo fucking hoo.
You are pregnant, you're DP is supposed to be there supporting you, not sitting feeling sorry for himself!!
Is he usually quite demanding of you/your time?
What an absolutely shit situation for you (I've been in exactly the same position, well not pregnant but DD was 6 weeks old)
It's an utter betrayal

Original poster

Dontknow87 · 13/03/2015 00:24

I honestly don't know. We either stay together and I can never trust him again and it'll drive me mental, I can just leave and not explain to anyone why to save face or leave and tell people the humiliating truth of what he was up to.

OP posts:

RandomNPC · 13/03/2015 00:26

You've not done anything humiliating; he's the one that should feel ashamed.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 13/03/2015 00:27

What a horrible thing to find out.

When I read your OP title, I thought you'd be posting about someone (your DP say) being attracted to someone, but then not having an affair, despite being tempted. And that would be different.

This is something else. It's the 'plotting' bit that's so horrible (while you're pregnant no less), while he's not met anyone specific even, but the fact that he wants to meet someone else.

It's not the same as having an affair, but it's worrying. I'd feel like you, I'm sure. I'm so sorry this is happening. I wish I could say something useful to help.

TheDetective · 13/03/2015 01:08

Absolutely the same.

You can never know if he has actually cheated. That trust has now been shattered.

I found out my ex had cheated on me the day I got married (married in November 2014 - he cheated in September 2014). Of course he swore blind it was the first time it had happened blah blah fucking blah. He didn't mean it to happen, it wasn't his intention. Yeah. Whatever.

So that is why I found his profile on a swingers website a couple of weeks back (I finally went searching for truth). The profile was created May 2014.

We started TTC June 2014.

Wasn't looking my fucking ARSE!

His excuse? He was lonely because I was out working nights and he was stuck at home looking after HIS child (!!!!!!!!) my heart fucking bleeds for you. Dick!

You think you have found out the worst. But be prepared for more.

I'm so sorry - from one pregnant mum to another. (I have a 2 year old and am 25 weeks pregnant).

Easier said than done, but yes. I'd leave him. But it would be his bags I'd be packing, not yours and your children's. No matter who owns that house, you stay put. You have done nothing wrong.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/03/2015 01:11

In a way I actually think it's worse.

His actions were not prompted by any loss of inhibition - no drunkenness, drugs, overpowering attraction. No; it was planned, paid for, was spread out over a significant amount of time, was done stealthily behind your back.

I would also feel sick about this.

TheDetective · 13/03/2015 01:14

I have told everyone what he did.

I have no shame (but like you felt I did). Not one person has blamed me. Totally the opposite. I've had incredible support.

I tried to save the relationship for a few weeks. He ended up choosing to leave anyway prick. But every single day of those few weeks, every single minute of the day, I had to live through the pain of what he did. And I would of had to for the rest of my life. The rest of my life knowing I could never trust him? I don't think I could have done it. Even though I tried for the sake of my children.

That pain I felt every moment of the day did not lift until he left.

No, it wasn't instant. But it came quickly, and keeps on coming.

3 months on, I'm doing far more than surviving. I'm living, and living like never before. I actually love it.

I didn't realise what a useless piece of shit he was until he was gone out my (and my children's) lives.

FannyPancake · 13/03/2015 01:20

I agree with you OP. The intention is just as bad. What would of happened if you never found out?

So awful for you especially at a time like this!

FannyPancake · 13/03/2015 01:21

I agree with you OP. The intention is just as bad. What would of happened if you never found out?

So awful for you especially at a time like this!

Tootsiepops · 13/03/2015 05:39

I couldn't forgive.

You also have to be a special kind of stupid to pay your subscription to a dating site from the joint account you share with your partner...

hestialou · 13/03/2015 07:00

I find this worse, he made conscious decision to cheat, and actively went looking, rather than falling into a relationship. And he paid for I from joint account! Was the profile still active when you looked?
You cant trust him any more, but I would tell people the reason decent people wont judge you. Just a not very nice man whod'd do this to a pregnant lady. Hope you get it sorted out xx

ENormaSnob · 13/03/2015 07:52

Get rid.

you are worth far far more than this x

miniavenger · 13/03/2015 08:32

He did do something: he went trawling for other women, got two numbers and for all you know- because how can you trust a habitual liar?- he's phoned them and gone even further!

Plus you know he's done it before and hidden it.

YANBU at all, you have no grounds to believe that he ended it anyway, he could have easily started contacting one and had an affair communicating over text or private email!

If you chose to end things then kick him out, you shouldn't leave. He's the turd, he should be the one who gets flushed.

Sugarfreeriot · 13/03/2015 08:38

Oh god. I've been here. it's just as bad, if not worse. It's calculated. This is the bit that got to me. It's been 3 years since my dp did this to me, repeatedly and I stayed with him because I was pregnant with our first baby and petrified of doing it alone. To everyone else my dp is a respectable family man and he comes across very well which in some ways makes it harder. I haven't forgiven and I will never forget. I still don't trust him 100% and i doubt I ever will. If you are feeling strong enough to leave of suggest you do and don't hide his behaviour from the world to protect him like I did, talk to someone close to you.
As far as I know my dp has been faithful and honest since I had my dd but I will never know for sure and it eats me up everyday, it's not something is wish on my worst enemy op.
Good luck with whatever decision you make.

turquoiseamethyst · 13/03/2015 08:42

That would hurt me more than a drunk encounter; YANBU

championnibbler · 13/03/2015 10:08

Yes its just as bad.
he has lied over and over to you and will continue to do so.
i could not stay in a marriage like this.
i would bail.

Bellerina2 · 13/03/2015 10:11

Hmm, is he sorry or is he just sorry he was caught? I'm afraid he sounds like the latter OP.

HootyMcTooty · 13/03/2015 10:17

Yes, to me this would be just as bad. Do you know for sure he hasn't physically cheated anyway? Or do you just have his word for it? Not that it would matter to me.

Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster

Dontknow87 · 13/03/2015 13:48

I'm quite close to his sister so I've told him I'm going to speak to her about what's been happening and ask if she can put him up for a few nights. He comes home an hour before DD's bedtime so I've said he can help get her ready for bed as normal then I want him to give me a bit of space. Mortgage and everything is in his name but I don't want to uproot DD as we live by her preschool, the toddler group we go to and her cousins.

OP posts:

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