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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think intentention to be unfaithful is just as bad

43 replies

Dontknow87 · 13/03/2015 00:06

Name changed because I feel utterly humiliated. Today I was checking the joint account and saw a transaction to match.com, DP uses the same passwords for everything so I tried to log in as him to see if he did have an account and found that he spent 3 weeks chatting to various women on the website, including asking two of them for their telephone numbers. I confronted him and his excuse was that he was 'confused' and stopped when he realised how much he had to lose. He doesn't think it's that bad because he "didn't do anything". I feel utterly sick and humiliated. I still had a niggly feeling that he wasn't telling me everything so I had a look in his email and found that he had started another online dating profile back in June. Again, he says he was 'confused and having doubts'. In a way I could understand if he went out, got drunk and kissed someone, but this is plotting to be unfaithful. We're expecting a baby in four weeks time and have a 3 year old, I don't know whether to just pack our stuff and go. AIBU to think this is just as bad as being physically unfaithful? I'm sorely tempted to take my keys and scratch up his precious car.

OP posts:

TheBlondeOne78 · 13/03/2015 15:22

I'm sorry to hear this. Don't do anything rash. This is alarmingly more common than you think. It used to be when wifey was pregnant and they were feeling neglected, they had no outlet for it but unfortch with the rise of social media / online dating they have an outlet for it.

Get him on the couch for now and make him work hard to regain your trust. Although, also consider whether you want him to regain it or whether you'll always be thinking he had one foot out the door?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/03/2015 15:29

My ex used to use sites like sex search and fuck buddies it was soul crushing.

Until I decided to change his blurb on his profile to something that amused me and put a pic of his dirty pants as his profile pic

PuddingLlama · 13/03/2015 15:45

I think it's worse, sorry. A drunken snog, it would hurt and it would suck but people make mistakes, and I think most people have occasional moments of weakness (not necessarily with sex), but he planned to meet someone, even if he went to a bar to "scope" he's not be guaranteed to meet someone, but you KNOW if you sign up to and use a dating site, eventually something's going to happen. I'm appalled that he's used the "I didn't do anything" excuse as if given enough time he wouldn't have.

You have no reason to feel humiliated, this is on him, not you. If you're confused you talk to your partner, you don't try and meet women on the internet.

ChristyMooreRocks · 13/03/2015 16:01

i thought this was going to be about fancying someone else and fantasising about having an affair and was going to say YABU.

But the scenario you have described? No, that is just as bad as actually cheating I think, actively searching out women, getting phone numbers etc. he has humiliated you and totly disrespected you, I guess you have to decide if you want to share your life with someone who thinks that little of you, but I know that is easier said than done.

One of DHs cousins was recently caught 'sexting' a work colleague, while his wife was going through a cancer scare and generally having a bit of a shit time. They had only been married a year when it started. He said it was never physical and was 'just a game' to create a bit of excitement. I said 'whaddadick'. They are still together and back to declaring how loved up they are all over Facebook, but I think the trust is gone there tbh.

SylvaniansAtEase · 13/03/2015 16:07

Mortgage in his name?

Send him to his sister's and tell him that you need a show of commitment and he can come back and you can talk when he's made an appointment with the solicitor to either a. add your name to the deeds of the house or b. if that's not possible because of your earnings, bank says no etc., then to sign a deed of trust at least acknowledging that you have paid into the house since x date etc. That will be useful for you WHEN you finally split.

Then you let him back, get over the first few months with the baby, chuck him out and tell him you expect some cash from the house.

Fat chance I know, probably.

But to answer your question - yes it is just as 'bad' as cheating. It IS cheating.

Cheating is showing yourself to be... a cheat. It's not actually about touching some skin cells of people who aren't the person you're committed to. It's about lying, deceiving - showing that you're weaselling out of the promises upon which the partnership is based. Destroying the team. Pulling a fast one. Showing, in other words, that you don't give a shit about your partner, and they're worth less than a potential quickie shag with a random. All of which he's done - so yes, it's destroyed. You won't trust him again. He's destroyed the potential for you to be happy with him, and thus for your kids to have a happy childhood with you together.

Dump him.

KKCupCake · 13/03/2015 16:10

Oh my. What a mess for you I can in part imagine how hurt and upset you are feeling as I went through something similar with an ex-partner. I think any decision you make at the moment will be the wrong one, and by that I mean a bit of distance might be beneficial for starters. Perhaps explain how much you're hurting and ask him to go and stay somewhere else whilst you get your head round it. If you make a decision regarding your future once you're not dealing with the initial shock you may find down the line you question less whether or not you did the right thing.

finnbarrcar · 13/03/2015 16:17

I was all ready to come and say YABU because I thought it would be about someone having a fantasy but this scenario is entirely different. YANBU. Your DH is a shit.

Drivingnovice · 13/03/2015 16:31

Sorry to read this OP. IME the twunts do three things:
Deny
Delete
Minimise

Deny, this is where you get all the, well my mate must've made the profile for a laugh, I've been hacked..!!! Etc
Then they try to delete the evidence / profiles. This is why you screen shot everything and store safely.
Then minimise, I was only looking; I only skyped one person; it was only a kiss.....blah de blah

They will also only admit to what they think they can get away with or just admit to what you already know

I think you've done the right thing asking for some space. I'm the sort who needs to know everything so I'd be searching for more profiles etc. but that's just me. I'd be checking phone logs and evidence of another phone too.
He doesn't sound like he's been very clever with it all, using usual passwords and putting an actual profile pic up, so I'm pretty sure that if he had physically cheated, the evidence would be easy to find.

Please remember that none of this is your fault.

flibbetygibbett · 13/03/2015 17:52

Hmm, yes I often get "confused", completely forget I have a loving husband and DC and somehow inadvertently sign up to dating sites . This is no excuse. If he was having doubts about your relationship he should have spoken to you about it. He wasn't "confused", he was checking what was out there to see if the grass really is greener. I think you're sensible to ask him to stay elsewhere for a few days. You need to carefully consider your options and you can't do that properly with him in the same house. Do you have family/friends close by who can support you during this time?

I won't tell you to LTB because that's entirely your call but I will say this: if he changed his mind, realised how much he had to lose etc then why didn't he delete his profile? I'm not familiar with these sites but surely if you decide you don't want to be on them anymore there's a way to facilitate that?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 14/03/2015 08:32

Totally with you OP. Back in June was right around the time your baby was conceived as well, disgraceful behaviour. Maybe you need to give him the short, sharp shock he needs and tell him to pack his bags. Sorry.

LastOneDancing · 14/03/2015 08:56

Vile. IMO betrayal starts when you do anything you wouldn't tell your partner about - like setting up a dating profile

I would be so hurt if this was my DH, I don't know if I'd ever be able to trust him again. I'd also be wondering what had gone on on nights out etc.

So sorry he's done this to you OP.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 14/03/2015 09:03

I thought this was going to be he been tempted by a work collegue or similar but in the scenerio you have described YANBU. He is actively seeking which is totally unreasonable.

LikeIcan · 14/03/2015 09:10

No it's not as bad.

He hasn't physically had sex with another woman putting himself at risk of picking up an STI & passing it on to you ( & that does happen ) but his behaviour is still totally unacceptable & personally I would LTB.

Original poster

Dontknow87 · 14/03/2015 09:13

He says he hasn't but how am I supposed to believe that when he's completely shattered my trust in him.

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 14/03/2015 09:16

He had other women's numbers. It's impossible to say whether he met them. He's a liar. I'm so sorry.

LikeIcan · 14/03/2015 09:20

You can't know for sure he hasn't ( but that's true for all of us )
I doubt he has though, I reckon he's just been messing around on dating sites for attention - but that's an awful thing to do & shows such lack of respect for you. I could never trust him again.

So sorry you are going through this.

DrCoconut · 14/03/2015 09:38

So sorry to hear this, its hard and makes you question everything. My DH did a similar thing. We have managed to stay together (I think it is better in our particular circumstances for our DC) but I don't trust him how I used to and doubt I ever will. I have no proof that he's misbehaving now but that is not the same as really believing it. I think he gets frustrated at times that I don't believe him and he needs to explain where he's going etc but that is his consequence for what he did. He tried to deny, minimise etc but eventually admitted it all. He knows that if he ever does anything like it again he is out. No chat rooms, face booking strangers, dating apps, porn etc are allowed in our house. Again, maybe he misses out on legitimate uses of some of these but that's tough. Really hope you can find peace of mind again.

fluffymouse · 14/03/2015 09:40

Op I feel for you. This must be so hard.

I agree this is worse for all the reasons others have said, the premeditation, prolonged dishonesty etc.

I would also not believe him that he hasn't met anyone from the site, his word means nothing right now.

I would go to the gum clinic for an std screen.

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