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AIBU?

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Original poster

PIL visiting

47 replies

kiwiquest · 12/03/2015 19:05

PIL live overseas and are separated. We have young baby and they understandably want to come and visit. MIL wants to come for 6 weeks from April. FIL is already booked to come over for 3 months from September then MIL wants to come back for Christmas probably for another 6 weeks
I like my PIL but feel overwhelmed at prospect of having house guests for so long. DH works away all week so it's just me and the baby a lot of the time which is hard without anyone else to look after. I know DH will only take a few days holiday here and there while they are here because he still wants us to have a family holiday at some point. Would I be unreasonable to say no to MIL Christmas visit?? Visiting them is unfortunately not feasible for us.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 12/03/2015 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 12/03/2015 19:15

My PIL are also separated, therefore visit at different times. They don't live abroad, but still a good traveling distance away. If they suggested this much visiting in a year, I would politely say no..... after I had finished laughing. I understand they want to visit the baby and son, but that's beyond excessive, especially since your husband isn't even around most of the time. What is the point really?

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 12/03/2015 19:19

Def no to Christmas, or at least one or the other of the six week visits! Is it too late to shorten FILs visit? 3 months is crazily long.

As pp said, where on earth do they live?!

chocolatescones · 12/03/2015 19:26

Omg that's way too long for them to be staying! I wouldn't have been able to cope with PIL staying more than one night when our DD was newborn let alone more than a week! Not only is it stressful having guests but I wanted time for me and DH to bond with DD properly and be a family. YADNBU if you would prefer for them not to stay as long as that, or much at all...

rookiemere · 12/03/2015 19:27

Why on earth do they need to stay for so long?

Scholes34 · 12/03/2015 19:58

Have them stay at the same time to cut down the time with guests in the house. I have a friend who's divorced with grown up children. Her husband is not her favourite person by any means, but they have spent time together with their daughters and grandchildren because that's just how it worked out.

SylvaniansAtEase · 12/03/2015 20:01

Jesus. No. That's not normal. They may as well move in!

Guests visit for A FEW DAYS AT A TIME. A week at most.

Seriously, you need to sort this out. It's not on. It will cause loads of tension and not be good for family relationships. Start NOW, and mean it. You're a family with jobs and a young baby - you do not host people indefinitely like some kind of student squat. You have a family LIFE which comes first, it has to, because of the baby as well as you two.

If your DH thinks this is ok, enlighten him now.

A week visit max.

No more than one visit every three months.

Loads of email, Skype, photos and love in the meantime, to both.

Do it now or end up hating them - which would be a shame.

SylvaniansAtEase · 12/03/2015 20:03
  • Actually I'll adjust that - if they both live in New Zealand/South Africa or something, yes a week isn't feasible maybe. But - if they want to come for three weeks or so at a time, they spend some of the time with you and some elsewhere. They give you space.
LindyHemming · 12/03/2015 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsVestibule · 12/03/2015 20:06

Good god, no way! Even if they're flying from the other side of the world, three weeks is MORE than enough for each of them to visit. Why on earth are they asking to stay for so long?

MirandaGoshawk · 12/03/2015 20:06

visiting for more than a few days? No. You with a baby to look after? No. No and thrice No.

Rent them a flat. Seriously. They are taking the piss.

Tell them you would love to see them but the baby cries in the night/you have rats/a contagious disease make up something and it would be uncomfortable for them to stay, so you have found them a lovely place to rent for six months and they can sort out the rent between them. Smile

MirandaGoshawk · 12/03/2015 20:08

Oh, and you are going to be away yourselves for part of that time, sadly, and have friends staying in your house. Make the arrangements now!

JassyRadlett · 12/03/2015 20:15

My parents live as far away as it is possible to live and still be on earth. I love them immensely and we get on incredibly well.

They would never visit for that long. They wouldn't ask, I wouldn't allow it let alone ask DH to tolerate it.

If it's more than a week, they stay in a holiday rental. Because they know we love them but we need our space, as do they!

Collectively your PIL want to be at your house for half the year. That's no longer your home, is ithere? You've got a revolving door of non-paying lodgers.

PrimalLass · 12/03/2015 20:16

Goodness gracious - 3 months? Why did you agree to that?

LapsedTwentysomething · 12/03/2015 20:21

Holy shit. 24 hours would do my head in, having to look after guests with a new baby to care for. 24 weeks?

Will you be on maternity leave? That could gobble up the whole lot.

Original poster
kiwiquest · 12/03/2015 20:31

They both have other relatives they can visit for some of the time but majority of it would be spent with us. They are coming along way so l was expecting them to stay around 4 weeks minimum, that was OK. Mil was arranged to come at Christmas, her idea but has suddenly decided she can't wait that long so now wants to come earlier aswell. Fine but I feel should be one or other not both. DH says we can't stop her coming and I would then feel obliged to accommodate her. I couldn't in all conscience let her stay in a hotel. Dh said we won't get away with not having her at Christmas but in my view forcing our hand is already making me feel resentful. I like my MIL I don't want to fall out with her or FIL but this could easily go that way....

OP posts:
GERTI · 12/03/2015 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TendonQueen · 12/03/2015 20:40

With all due respect to your DH, he's only going to be around for two of every seven days, so is expecting you to pick up the majority of hosting duties on your own. In my book that gives you a greater degree of sway over arrangements. Tell him it's one month maximum for both, and Christmas on your own, or you'll be making other plans yourself.

Iflyaway · 12/03/2015 20:50

They are using your house as their pied-a-terre while in UK.

No way if I was in this situation.

Totally selfish of them.

dairyfreequeen · 12/03/2015 20:50

what about getting them to rent a flat between them? 3 months is a long way past holiday territory, they might be more comfortable that way. im dreading having my pils to stay for a week!

iwantgin · 12/03/2015 20:53

No. That's not on.

Why so long? Even if it is the other side of the world - 2 or 3 weeks must be enough. I'd go crazy having to host for so long.

I like dairy's suggestion - rent a flat or similar.

Original poster
kiwiquest · 12/03/2015 21:00

Hmm well good to know I'm not unreasonable, I've been treading softly as I guess I feel guilty they will miss out on so much with DD. However I think I'm going to have to fight my corner over Christmas. I'll be back at work by then so will be even more difficult. I agreed to FIL staying so long because I was stupid, tired, pregnant and blissfully ignorant as to how difficult life looking after a baby on your own actually is...

OP posts:
MirandaGoshawk · 12/03/2015 21:20

So tell them things are going to have to change as you didn't realise how difficult things are with a baby. They don't have to stay in a hotel - a rental would give everyone space. Really, if you - or rather, your DH - don't put your foot down now you will end up being a slave/losing your mind. At least, I would. You might not - you sound very tolerant. But might relatives staying for this long not take a toll on your own relationship?

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 13/03/2015 05:02

'we can't stop her coming'

err....yes you can, you say no! Seriously OP, you need to lay down the ground rules now or this is going to keep happening, moreso as your DC grow up and become more interesting. There is nothing wrong with going back to FIL and saying you've changed your mind. Your about to go through one if the biggest changes of your life!

Your DH needs to respect the fact that you are the one with the massive life change and you are the one who will be doing the lions share of the hosting. Therefore your thoughts need to be given serious weight in this scenario.

It's better to change plans now and possibly make FIL/MIL a little grumpy than allow this resentment to.build once they're here and taint the first few months with your baby.

As pp are saying, they have no.need to stay for that long. My 85 year old grandad went to from Spain to Australia on his own last year, involving 3 flights each way. He was there for 4 weeks but the longest he stayed with one person was 10 days.

NotYouNaanBread · 13/03/2015 08:48

Absolutely not. Not in a million, squllion years. Unless you live in central London, you will be able to find them a flat on Airbnb and given that there are such long stays involved, you might be able to negotiate a better rate so that it's not beyond their reach.

If they do moan about the cost, brightly inform them about how much money they will be able to earn on Airbnb in turn by letting their own homes out while they are here.

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